Todd McFarlane is a mega-millionaire with success undreamt of. I’m just some guy. But as I’ve been buying and reading – and enjoying! – Gunslinger Spawn, I’m struck with how the dialogue and captions are something of a mess. Hence, here’s my attempt to copyedit Gunslinger Spawn.

Continuing with issue #4, Clown has Gunslinger slung up in a tree. This gives Clown the opportunity for exposition.

Clown does the sarcastic villain thing, talking in a sarcastic formal manner. Still, it could use some trimming:

“Cute trick, hiding weapons in your hat. I can’t pry them out.”

–

Clown continues, with more info about Gunslinger’s weapons.

More opportunities to shorten this dialogue for efficiency, while not losing Clown’s sense of self-importance:

“Appears you were clever enough to fuse them with your symbiote so only you can remove them. Your bullet belts won’t budge either.”

–

Clown returns Gunslinger’s hat.

“Don’t look so surprised” could be considered a cliché. A quick edit:

“Surprised? You’re not the only one with necro-powers.”

–

In the next caption, we see more opportunities for some efficient edits:

This can become:

“You know who gave me those powers?”

–

Then, a lot of exposition that further ties Gunslinger Spawn into the greater Spawn continuity.

It’s understood among Spawn readers that, despite multiple hellspawns running around, just the name “Spawn” refers to the Al Simmons character. I kept this language plain, because it is expository:

“Spawn! He thought he got rid of me, but the opposite happened! As I was shot into the time rip he created, I scraped a little power from everyone coming the other way. This includes you.”

–

Clown explains that this power allowed him to turn his Clown persona and his demonic Violator persona into two separate beings.

Lots of unneeded words in this dialogue. You could delete the word “ever” from the first sentence, but I kept it to give Clown some “Comic Book Guy from The Simpsons” energy.

“Gunslinger, you might be the weakest hellspawn ever! It’s no shock that you acquired your powers illegally.”

–

Clown wants to make a deal:

The problem with this caption is how it flows into the next one on the next page, in which Clown says, “You can’t do that without me.” My suggestion:

“Your best chance for survival is to go back to your own timeline.”

Now follow that with “You can’t do that without me.”

–

More exposition:

Remove the single quotation marks, which serve no purpose. Then simplify the language, because this is important info the reader.

“The rip in time only moves in one direction, bringing people here. No one can go the other way because the dead zones are locked. Only Spawn has the key to them.”  

You could argue that my adding “to them” at the end of the last sentence is unnecessary, but I did it to emphasize the importance of this key.

–

More world-building:

The “mortal enemy” phrase could be a cliché. Also, Gunslinger spent the first three issues wanting to take down the Bartletts, so you’d think they’re his mortal enemies. Also, there’s a lot of unnecessary wordiness in the second caption. My edits:

“Cogliostro wants the key too. If he gets his hands on it first, do you think he’ll offer you the same deal? He’d sooner cut his own throat.”

–

Clown tempts Gunslinger with the possibility of returning to the Old West.

I don’t get the line “Spawn can’t do it,” when we just learned Spawn holds the key that can do it. My suggestion:

“Spawn, Cog, or anybody else don’t give a sh*t about what you want.”

And:

“I don’t care either. But if you have even one reason to go back, I’m your best hope.”

The phrase “I’m your best hope,” could be a cliché. I kept it to emphasize the tempted-to-join-the-dark-side drama of the scene.

–

Gunslinger refuses, but Clown cuts him down from the tree anyway.

When using dashes, stop and think about whether what you’re writing can be multiple sentences instead.

“I’d prefer you didn’t. I like having a sharpshooter at my side. Your job’s easy. Get close to Spawn. Then, when the time comes, stab him in the back!”

That’s the cliffhanger for this issue, with Gunslinger not giving an answer. It’s not a done deal, as their talks will continue throughout the next issue. We’ll get to that… next time.

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