Fantastic Friday: Lawyer up

Reading the Fantastic Four comics from the start. It’s law and order time as the FF have their day in court in vol. 5 issue #5.

Recap: New York was recently attacked by insect-like creatures from within a pocket universe created by Franklin’s mutant powers. Johnny sacrificed his powers to stop them. After a destructive battle with a new version of the Frightful Four, our heroes found that S.H.I.E.L.D. has commandeered the new Baxter Building, and now the FF must explain themselves in court!

The issue begins with an editorial by Betty Brant of the Daily Bugle, who is no longer Jonah’s put-upon secretary but the paper’s legal editor (!). She explains that a special judiciary committee has been formed to bring a class-action lawsuit against the Fantastic Four. The committee is led by prosecutor Aiden Toliver, while our own She-Hulk is doing the lawyer thing for the defense. We just right to Reed testifying, and Toliver grilling him about the opening scenes of the very first issue, where Sue, Ben, and Johnny caused chaos in New York just to reach Reed so he could show them some photographs. This kicks off the fun part of the issue, where the flashbacks are drawn in the style of the original comics referenced.

Ben is questioned about his many fights with the Hulk over the years, and Sue is questioned about the FF’s relationship with Namor, who has attacked the surface world on several occasions. Johnny is asked about Crystal and the Inhumans. He says the Inhumans are the good guys, but Toliver says their battles have also caused destruction in NYC. Then it’s back to Reed, who is put on the spot about his rivalry with Dr. Doom. Toliver stresses how Valeria is currently living with Doom, arguing that Reed failed to protect his daughter from him. Everybody breaks for lunch (this was all happening over one morning?!?), and then Reed must testify about Galactus. Reed discusses the Ultimate Nullifier, the alien device that can defeat Galactus by undoing and the redoing all of reality. Toliver argues that no one should wield that much power, getting Reed to admit he doesn’t know the current location of the Nullifier. This leads to talk about the Negative Zone portal, also located in the Baxter Building, which is home to dangerous aliens like Annihilus and Blastaar the Living Bomb-burst.

Sue is back on the stand next, having to defend her time possessed by Malice. Then a random New Yorker testifies about the time Ben threw a car at his father. He says Ben was not fighting a supervillain at the time, but he was just angry at people on the street taking his photo. “We should have done more,” Reed whispers to Sue.

Toliver makes his final argument, saying Reed stores dangerous technology in his HQ, endangering the people of New York with his hubris. He then argues that this also endangers Franklin and the children of the Future Foundation. We don’t see what the final ruling is, but Sue is shown in tears in front of the courthouse afterward.

Cut to Latveria, where Valeria and Dr. Doom succeed in defeating Count Nefaria, part of Doom’s newfound trying to be a hero. Valeria is troubled. She says she’s not going to leave Doom’s side, but she’s concerned about her brother. Then we go to a S.H.I.E.L.D. base, where it’s made official – Franklin and the Foundation kids have been legally separated from their parents. It’s a tense situation at first between the Alex Power and the S.H.I.E.L.D. agents, until Jim Hammond shows up. He reminds the kids (and the reader) that he was the original 1930s Human Torch, and he’s the kids’ new legal guardian. Alex Power tells the rest of the Foundation, “I think we’re going to be okay.”

Unstable molecule: Reed doesn’t actually say anything when he’s on the stand and asked about Dr. Doom. All the dialogue for those two pages are between Toliver and She-Hulk while Reed just sits there.  

Fade out: This issue makes the point that Malice was merely Sue being possessed by the Hate Monger. But it was later revealed during the DeFalco years that Malice was her own entity, still lurking in Sue’s subconscious somewhere. I guess Sue was smart for not mentioning that part.

Clobberin’ time: Ben defends his actions in fighting the Hulk by saying, “no time for chit-chat.”  

Flame on: When asked about his feelings for Crystal, Johnny says, “I’ll always have the deepest regard for her.”

Fantastic fifth wheel: She-Hulk has lunch with Betty Brant twice in this issue (how much time is passing?), giving Betty info for her articles.

Four and a half: When Alex Power stands up to the S.H.I.E.L.D. agents, Franklin is right by his side, saying “We’re all in this together.”

Our gal Val: Valeria encourages Doom to defeat Nefaria not to take his land on behalf of Latveria, but to do good for the sake of doing good.

Foundational: Dragon Man is weirdly absent from the Future Foundation, considering he was the grown-up one, tasked with taking care of the kids when Reed and Sue weren’t around. Similarly, it’s pointed out that Alex Power is eighteen now, and is free to go. But Alex refuses to abandon the Foundation.

Trivia time: There’s a bit of debate among fans about continuity of the Ultimate Nullifier’s place in this issue, with much confusion about what became of it, and whether Reed or Galactus ended up with it. I went back and re-read its last appearance in vol. 3 #49. After Reed uses the Nullifier in that issue, we don’t see where it ended up after the universe was reset. After this, Nova will recover the Nullifier from a guy named Sam Alexander and give it to the Watcher in Nova #5.

Betty Brant got her first shot at investigative reporting in Web of Spider-Man #92, leading to lots of Spidey comics where her stories make the front page. I’m not clear on how Betty and She-Hulk are friends, but it’s probably from She-Hulk’s romance with John Jameson.  

Speaking of Betty, she mentions two other times superheroes have been put on trial. One was Magneto, which was in Uncanny X-Men #200, and the Hulk. I’m assuming this refers to Incredible Hulk #279, the famous issue where the Hulk was granted amnesty by the president. But I wonder if it’s a jokey reference to the 1989 TV-movie Trial of the Incredible Hulk.

Fantastic or frightful? This promises more ongoing complications for the characters in future issues, but the real fun here is the nostalgia romp through FF history. This is the sort of fun continuity that writer James Robinson did so well in Starman, and he uses it to good effect again.

Next: Sinful.

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Fantastic Friday: The replacements

Reading the Fantastic Four comics from the start. In vol. 5 issue #4, writer James Robinson goes old-school with a classic Marvel slugfest.

Recap: A bunch of insect-like creatures escaped from a pocket universe Franklin created, and Reed used some Negative Zone tech to stop them. But this had the unfortunate effect of removing Johnny’s super-powers. Now out on the street in NYC, Johnny and Ben are attacked the Wrecker and the Wizard, as part of a new take on the Frightful Four!

Johnny runs for cover while Ben fights the villains, which also include Thunderball of the Wrecking Crew. Reed and Sue fly in on the Fantasticar to join the battle. The Wizard says that someone else “of great intellect” has increased all their powers. Meanwhile, Ben confronts the fourth villain, a teenage girl who is the new Bulldozer. She’s the daughter of the original Bulldozer. The fight threatens to topple an entire building, with Johnny helping get civilians out of the way.

Thunderball strikes the Fantasticar, sending it spinning out of control. Ben gets in place to stop it, and he gets some help. Turn the page, and it’s three of the four replacement FF we just spent time with in Matt Fraction’s run – the Scott Lang Ant-Man, She-Hulk, and Darla Deering. (Medusa is back with the Inhumans, it seems.) Reed says he has a plan, but it requires Johnny’s help.

The two FF teams take on the villains, but this new Frightful Four has their number. Scott grows to Giant-Man size, but then he is forced to shrink back to normal to avoid more property damage. The new Bulldozer proves to be not just strong but quick and agile when fighting She-Hulk. It looks like they’ve won, and they want to destroy NYC based on the orders of the mysterious new boss. Then Johnny confronts them all, saying, “I don’t need my powers to fight you!”

As the Frightful Four face Johnny, Sue and Reed emerge from the wreckage to trap them in a force field. If the villains use their powers inside it, the concussive force will cause a shock wave to go back against them. The Wizard boasts that his client’s agenda is still going to plan, so he’s already won. S.H.I.E.L.D. arrives to take the Frightful Four into custody with them not answering who their secret benefactor is. Scott tells Reed and Sue that his backup FF team will continue to be the backup as needed. She-Hulk tells Johnny he did great, but Johnny just says “See you around.” And he walks off.  

Reed, Sue and Ben return to the new Baxter Building to find it blocked off by S.H.I.E.L.D. and the NYPD. Maria Hill is in charge, saying the entire building is now an active crime scene, as the source of the recent alien invasion. Sue pleads for Maria to let them back inside, arguing that their children and the Future Foundation kids are still inside. Maria says they’ve all been relocated, and that the FF have more important concerns. She hands Reed some paperwork and tells him to get ready for, “Your day in court.”

To be continued!

Unstable molecule: Reed takes a direct hit from the newly powered-up Wizard, but then says his suit was able to absorb most of the damage. Is this justification for the new red uniforms?

Fade out: Sue is weakened during the fight, so the rest of the two FF teams apply pressure to her force field to further strengthen it.

Clobberin’ time: Ben says “Now I’m getting’ mad” on one page, and then “Now I’m really mad” a few pages later. Were they trying to make this his new catch phrase?

Flame off: Johnny narrates this issue via captions, showing that while actions look heroic, his thoughts reveal him dealing with issues of feeling powerless and helpless.

Fantastic fifth wheel: We just left the replacement Fantastic Four a few issues back, so there’s not a lot of catching up to do. Scott and Darla are still an item, and Johnny admits he’s impressed with how far Darla has come in her superhero-ing.

Trivia time: The new Bulldozer is Marci Camp, daughter of original Bulldozer, Henry Camp. So, where is Henry? This issue suggests that he’s dead, but I see that he was shown in prison in a Captain America issue around this time. Considering how often the Wrecking Crew show up to be punching bags in Marvel Comics, it’s weird to have such huge gaps in their Marvel Wiki entries. The identity of Marci’s mother has never been revealed.

Fantastic or frightful? It’s always fun to have entire issue devoted to a full-on superhero brawl, especially as most modern comics do “action” as a splash page or two to make room for more complex plotting. In the midst of the fight, we get seeds planted for future storylines, and continue Johnny’s character arc, so it also works as part of a larger whole. Great stuff!

Next: Lawyer up.

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Reading the dictionary: Horror-hysterics

Reading the entire dictionary front to back! It’s something I’ve always wanted to try. Somehow, the letter H has been one of the weirdest, most varied parts of the book so far. What… horrors… does it have for us this week?

Things start out spooky this week with horror, defined as “painful and intense fear, dread, and dismay.” But it’s also “intense repugnance.” Not sure where handsome shirtless vampires fit into that.

The horror!

The dictionary loves animals! A horse, of course, is “a large, solid-hoofed herbivorous domesticated as a draft and saddle animal.” This leads to almost an entire page of words with “horse-” as a prefix. Notable ones are horsehide, “dressed in the raw hide of a horse,” horse latitudes, “two calm regions near 30-degree north and 30-degree south,” and horsewoman, “a woman skilled at riding horseback.”

She earned her spurs.

Hot is obviously “marked by high temperatures,” but it’s also where the dictionary gets into its criminal side with “recently and illegally obtained” with “jewels” in parenthesis, followed by “unusually lucky or favorable” with “dice” in parenthesis. How is it decided which specifics go in the parenthesis?

The Nevada Hot Dice!

Then there’s house, “a building for human habitation” and the like. This is followed by a whole page of “house-” prefix words. A housefly is “a dipteran fly that is common about human habitations.” I flipped back to the Ds, and dipteran is just “relating to, or being a fly.” Kind of a tease on the part of the housefly, there.

Those green eyes, though…

Got a new one here. A huarache is “a sandal with an upper made of interwoven leather strips. A quick Google search shows that the Nike corporation has used this word as a brand for a whole bunch of different running shoes. Is… that okay? I don’t know if these things are okay or not.

What is googling shoe pics going to do to my algorithm?

Just what is the nature of humanity? It’s “the quality or state of being human,” which doesn’t tell us much, but it’s also “the branches of learning dealing with human concerns (as philosophy) as opposed to natural processes (as physics).” That’s a place to start, I suppose.

Somehow hunky-dory made it into the dictionary, defined as “quite satisfactory.” I imagine you’re a person who uses one of those two terms, but never both.

Bowie is undefinable.

Here’s a weird one, and it’s another animal one. The dictionary says a hydra is “any of numerous small tubular freshwater coelenterates that are polyps having at one end a mouth surrounded by tentacles.” There’s no word about the hydra of myth and fantasy. Some additional googling reveals that there actually is a real-life hydra, a tiny basis for the gigantic fantasy creature!

This is what it looks like. Hail Hydra!

The letter H has been a wild ride these last few weeks, so it’s appropriate that it concludes with hysteria, “unmanageable fear or outbursts of emotion,” and hysterics, “a fit of uncontrollable laughter or crying.” That’s what trying to read an entire dictionary does to you.

Next: I spy.  

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Fantastic Friday: Fun with Paste-Pot Pete

Things have been a little hectic for me lately, so here’s the Trapster, um, I mean Paste-Pot Pete!

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Reading the dictionary: Hence-horoscope

Reading the entire dictionary front to back! It’s something I’ve always wanted to try. The letter H raises a lot of questions about gender, but we also learn about snakes.

Go forth, because hence is defined as “from this time,” with “four years” added in parenthesis. I wonder why that’s specified. Also, I’m starting to wonder if it’ll take me four years to read a dictionary. It’s also “from this source or origin.”

I don’t know what this is, but it looks cool.

Her is a pronoun of she, obviously, and it’s also “of or relating to her or herself.” Seems to me that would be obvious, but maybe that’s just because I’m a dude.

“Her?”

Speaking of pronouns, the dictionary says a hero is “a man admired for his achievements and qualities,” and “the chief male character in a literary or dramatic work.” I know they’re probably thinking of classic Greek stuff and all, but this seems insensitive to all the great female heroes of fiction. The other definition is “a mythological or legendary figure of great strength or ability.” I guess that’s more exclusive, maybe?

Hero!

The entry for high is a long one, mostly what you’d expect. It’s variations of “elevated,” or “shrill.” And yes, it’s also “intoxicated, excited or stupefied by or as if by a drug.” Stupefied is a good word for it.

Him is simply defined as a pronoun for he/him, and then the definition of himself is “used reflexively, for emphasis, or in absolute constructions.” What does that even mean? Him is simply defined as a pronoun for he/him, and then the definition of himself is “used reflexively, for emphasis, or in absolute constructions.” What does that even mean?

This just makes it more confusing.

More fun with animals! A hippopotamus is “a large thick-skinned aquatic mammal of sub-Saharan Africa that is related to the swine.” I don’t know if hippos would like being compared to swine, but they are on the chubby side, aren’t they?

Pinky and the Brain stole their spotlight.

A hoagie is merely a “submarine,” and not a submarine sandwich. I wonder if that will confuse anyone.

Maybe that’s where the Rutles got the idea.

Our next animal is hog-nosed snake, “a genus of rather small harmless stout-bodied North American snakes that seldom bite but hiss wildly and often play dead when disturbed.” I can just imagine one of the dictionary editors raising their hand at this point and saying, “Let me write this one! I know all about these snakes!”

Looks like it ran into a door.

One of the interesting things about reading the whole thing like this is seeing when the dictionary has been updated and when it’s still holding onto things from years earlier. Case in point, home theater is “an entertainment system (as a television with surround sound and a DVD player) for the home.” The dictionary really should upgrade to 4K.

The smart set!

We’ve seen a lot of horoscope stuff in the book so far, and now we arrive at horoscope itself, “a diagram of the relative positions of planets and signs of the zodiac at a particular time for use by astrologers to foretell events of a person’s life.”

No word about when the fought the Avengers.

Next: The hoary hosts!

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Reading the dictionary: Handsome-helicopter

Reading the entire dictionary front to back! It’s something I’ve always wanted to try. As we continue working through the letter H, things get… hardcore.

Take a gander at handsome, defined as “pleasing and usually generous in appearance,” “sizable, ample,” and “generous, liberal.” It also has one of those entomology notes in parenthesis, saying that in Old English, it meant, “easy to manipulate,” which might explain a lot. It also doesn’t specify men only, so get handsome, ladies!

The handsomest.

There are multiple definitions for hang, mostly about fasting items to a wall or ledge, or to droop in space. There’s also “to remain stationary in the air,” which I suppose is there for the basketball fans. And it concludes with “to pass time by idly relaxing or socializing” and includes an example in parenthesis, “at the mall.” The dictionary thinks malls still exist.

They probably went to the mall on occasion.

Hardcore is “the most determined or dedicated members of a specified group.” But then the dictionary gets a little judgmental the second definition, “extremely resistant to solution or improvement.” Doesn’t sound so hardcore to me.

Harlequin is weirdly specific, “a character (as in comedy) with a shaved head, masked face, variegated tights, and a wooden sword.” I’m not an expert in the ol’ commedia dell’arte, but I wonder how concrete this list is.

“Mistah J!”

More fun with mythology, as a harpy is “a malign creature of myth having a woman’s head and a bird’s body.” It’s also a “predatory person,” and a “shrewish woman.” I don’t know how they are differentiating between woman and person, but that’s the dictionary for you.

A hat is simply “a covering for the head usually having a shaped crown and bridge.” Then the book jumps ahead and steals a definition from the letter U with under one’s hat, meaning “secret” with an example of “kept the plans under his hat.” I guess one dictionary editor snuck his elevator pitch for a spy movie in there.

Watch out for that hat.

Hazard is “a dice game” before it’s “a source of danger” or “an obstacle on a golf course.” It’s a game involving rolling only two dice, but the rules get more and more complicated as it goes on. And yes, betting is involved. There are a lot of dice games like this, which strikes me as Dungeons and Dragons but without the fantasy.

Looks exciting.

The head entry starts with “the front or upper part of the body containing the brain, the chief sense organs, and the mouth.” Is “chief sense organs” a common phrase I don’t know? This is followed by almost two pages of words with “head-” as a prefix.

What an oddity.

The heart is of course the body’s muscular organ, or the symbol of a heart, but it’s also “the younger central part of a compact leafy cluster.” Is it somebody’s job to monitor the ages of leafy clusters?

Heat is “a condition of being hot,” and similar definitions. It’s also “sexual excitement, especially in female mammals.” I’ll assume this refers more to cats and like rather than humans.

Hot stuff.

Heavy metal is “energetic and highly amplified electronic rock music.” I guess just “loud” wasn’t specific enough. This is followed by heavy water, “water enriched in deuterium.” Does that include… Heavy Rain?

“Gotcha, suckuz!”

The animal definitions continue to be some of the most interesting. A hedgehog is “a small, Old World insect eating mammal covered with spines.” Does this mean it’s an Old World mammal, or it’s a mammal that eats Old World insects?

How did this fit into the mythology?

Hedonism is “a doctrine that pleasure is the chief good in life,” and “a way of life based on this.” I question the use of “doctrine” to describe this.

“Reading an entire dictionary? How droll.”

Then we take flight with helicopter, “an aircraft that is supported in the air by one or more rotors revolving on substantially vertical axes. This one also has an entomology note in parentheses, saying it’s from the Greek helik, meaning spiral, and pteron, meaning wing. Cool.

But wolves can’t fly.

Next: Go forth, hence!

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Fantastic Friday: Get wrecked

Reading the Fantastic Four comics from the start. In vol. 5 #3, writer James Robinson keeps things moving with a powerless hero, frustrated parents, and continuity references galore.

After New York was invaded by insect-like aliens from within Franklin’s old pocket universe (long story), Reed used energy from the Negative Zone to stop them. Except Johnny was caught in that same energy, and now he’s lost his powers. This issue begins with Reed explaining that Johnny died and was resurrected while in the Negative Zone (this was during the Jonathan Hickman run), so the energy that rendered the insects comatose had an effect on Johnny as well. Reed says he’ll work on reversing the effects, but Johnny says he won’t hold his breath. Until then, he says, he’ll stick to just being Johnny Storm, concentrating on his new music career.

Ben hangs out with Alicia at her studio, telling her about a recent team-up he’s had with Deathlok. She expresses concern over him always being in danger, and he promises to protect her, no matter what. A mysterious winged figure is watching them, and we see that this person is spying on them on behalf of the Puppet Master. He watches them from a distance.

Out in New York, Reed is meeting with Damage Control about the cleanup following last issue’s battle. Reed wonders how the insects got out of containment. He later talks to the new Nick Fury about it, saying that he’s having trouble cracking the insects’ molecular structure. Fury says S.H.I.E.L.D. is considering exterminating the rest of the insects, rather than leaving them comatose.

Cut to the bottom of the ocean, where Sue and Namor are taking the Future Foundation kids on an expedition to see a bunch of the Giganto whale-like creatures. Atlanteans Vil and Wu say they’re not homesick, and prefer being a part of the FF family. This causes Sue to flashback to sometime earlier. Sue finds a note in Valeria’s room. This how Valeria tells Sue she has left for Latveria, “where I intend to stay for the time being,” she writes. She says she’s disappointed by how Reed handled things during their recent trip through spacetime, and that Dr. Doom might be willing to listen to new ideas after being brutally defeated by Ant-Man. Val writes, “Please don’t follow me” and “I will return when I’m ready.” Turn the page and we see Valeria with Doom, overlooking the people of Latveria. She tells him that instead of tearing down the world, she thinks he should build it up.

Johnny meets with his publicist. He muses about his old solo adventures from Strange Tales, calling those memories “Goofy.” Reed makes a discovery in his lab and contacts Fury. Reed insists that insects aren’t to be killed or even tested, because… they’re actually humans! Johnny and Ben take a walk through Times Square, with Johnny still insisting he’s fine with that’s happened. Then they’re attacked by a powerful force that tears up the street under them. Johnny is about to fight back, only for no powers. Ben steps up to find they’re against the Wrecker. But instead of yet another new version of the Wrecking Crew, the Wizard appears alongside Cannonball and a new, female Bulldozer. The Wizard announces this as the new Frightful Four!

To be continued!  

Unstable molecule: Reed’s very longwinded explanation of how Johnny lost his powers include how he only has partial knowledge of Franklin’s pocket universe, so he spliced the unknown bits with parts from other dimensions that he had at his disposal, notably the Negative Zone. I guess this means Reed keeps samples from all the alternate dimensions the FF have visited.

Fade out: Sue references how she’s still the emissary to the recently-discovered Old Atlantis, and that she’s visiting the undersea kingdom more than ever.

Clobberin’ time: Ben’s team-up with Deathlok was fight the Secret Empire. It doesn’t look like this was story was properly told in some other comic, but I could be wrong. This version of Deathlok is the new one, Deathlok Prime, who was a supporting character in X-Force.

Flame off: Johnny’s nostalgia includes looking back at his battles against Asbestos Man, also referenced in the Marvels Snapshot FF one-shot.

Fantastic fifth wheel: Namor helping lead the undersea expedition means we can count this as him serving as an alternate member of the team. Johnny says Darla Deering has reached out to him to ask if he’s okay. And freakin’ H.E.R.B.I.E. the robot can be seen assisting Reed in the lab in one panel.

Four and a half: The other kids ask Franklin about the creepy way Namor always looks at Sue. Franklin just says, “I’ve gotten used to it.”

Our gal Val: For many comic readers, the iconic image of Valeria is her standing by Dr. Doom’s side. This issue is where that originates.

The Alicia problem: Johnny congratulates Ben on getting back together with Alicia, and then he ponders Lyja, calling her “quite possibly the love of my life.” He adds that she was last seen in the Negative Zone. He tried looking for her during his time there, but there was no sign of her.

Foundational: Alex Power muses about how both Namor and Giganto were once considered the FF’s enemies. Sue tells him, “Times change, and people with it.”

Trivia time: While it was assumed for many years that Giganto was just one monster, this issue confirms an entire species of Gigantos living in the deep sea. The Marvel Wiki says it’s unknown how many there are, and they might be either Atlantean or Deviant (from The Eternals) in nature.

The last time we saw Damage Control in Fantastic Four, they had become evil war profiteers during Civil War. Now they’ve reverted back to comic relief status. The only members seen in this issue are the no-nonsense Lenny and dog sidekick Fluppy. Kathleen O’Meara, who was once considered as a love interest for the Thing, does not appear.

Fantastic or frightful? While the Valeria/Dr. Doom thing is a fascinating new status quo, it feels out of character for the FF not to tear apart Doom’s castle to get her back. Beyond that, this is a nice table-setting issue, moving multiple storylines forward and addressing lots of continuity without overwhelming the reader, something Robinson was always very good at.

Next: The Replacements.

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Reading the dictionary: Green-hand

Reading the dictionary front to back! It’s something I’ve always wanted to try. Hey, hey, this week we get to the letter H!

The book really paints a word picture with green, “a color between blue and yellow in the spectrum, the color of growing fresh grass or of the emerald.” The other definitions also emphasize plants and leafiness, and also “inexperienced, naïve.”

It’s not easy being green.

Once again, the dictionary proves itself to be antiquated at times, because a gremlin is “a cause of error or equipment malfunction conceived of as a small gnome.” I don’t know that “gnome” is the first image that comes to mind for most folks today.

Does this look like a gnome to you?

Grog is “alcoholic liquor, especially liquor (as rum) mixed with water.” But then the dictionary adds some historical context, “nickname of Edward Vernon, 1757, English admiral responsible for diluting the sailors’ rum.” Nobody tell Jack Sparrow about this guy.

Yeah, he probably enjoyed the occasional rum drink.

Then we get somewhat more modern with grunge, “heavy metal rock music expressing alienation and discontent.” Any music fans care to comment on whether this is accurate? Grunge is also “untidy or tattered clothing typically worn by grunge fans.” That one sounds about right to me.

The guy from Gen 13 goes unmentioned.

A guy is “a man, fellow, or person.” Sure, but that’s the third definition, after “a rope, chain, or rod attached to something as a brace or guide,” and “to make fun of; ridicule.” I wonder how these orders of definitions get decided. You’d think the most common one would be top, but not always.

For a second there, I thought Gymkata made the dictionary. But no, it’s gymkhana, which is just “a meet featuring sports contests,” and “a contest of automobile driving skill.”

The thrill of gymnastics, the KILL of karate.

The last word under G is gyve, and the definition is just the word “fetter.” Merriam-Webster online offers a little more detail, saying this a restraint, a chain or shackle attached to the feet. Lovely.

And now it’s hello to the letter H! Things begin with quite the eclectic assortment of words, with ha as “to express surprise or joy,” the Bible book Habakkuk, habanera as “a Cuban dance in slow time,” habanero as “a very hot chili pepper that is usually orange when mature,” and habeas corpus as “a writ issued to bring a party before a court.” I dare somebody to use all five in one sentence.

Hot stuff.

Next we brush past hair, “threadlike outgrowth, especially from the skin of a mammal, also a covering or growth of hairs of an animal or body part.” Maybe a little clinical there, but I guess that works.

Age of Aquarius! Let the sunshine in! And so on.

Halloween is “the evening of October 31 observed especially by children in merrymaking and masquerading.” That doesn’t cover all of it, but I suppose there’s only so much space in the dictionary.

Sam does not approve.

Somebody at the dictionary was feeling playful when they defined ham as “the buttock with its associated thigh.” You don’t see the word buttock as much these days. Ham is also a cut of pork, a showy performer, and amateur radio.

Unsung hero.

A hand is “the end of a front limb when modified (as in humans) for grasping.” Who did this modification? What does the dictionary know that it’s not saying?

Don’t get handsy.

Next: Wanna hang out?

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Fantastic Friday: Quit bugging me

Reading the Fantastic Four comics from the start. After setting the stage last issue, writer James Robinson delivers big action in vol. 5, issue #2.

After catching up with what our heroes have been up to, a portal opened inside the new Baxter Building and a bunch of insect-like creatures burst out. We begin with another narration, this time from Sue’s personal journal, written sometime in the future. She says this is where it all began, the end of the Fantastic Four.

We see the building rocked by an explosion. Dragon Man protects the Future Foundation kids while our heroes regroup. Johnny says the insects are now out and about, attacking the city. Franklin adds that he can sense the creatures and they “come from my world.” He means the pocket universe he created with his reality-altering mutant powers from Heroes Reborn and Heroes Return. We know this because he describes it as, “where you and those other heroes were reborn.” He says the pocket universe has gotten sick and infected, and someone let it out.

The FF take off in a sleek new Fantasticar, with an entire page devoted to how it splits into four quads. By now, the creatures have attacked the whole of Manhattan. Sue, Ben, and Johnny fight the insects. Reed muses about who might be behind this, and how this is a puzzle he can’t quite solve. The Wasp flies up to Reed and announces that all of New York’s superheroes are joining the battle. For the record, we’ve got Wasp, Captain America, Wolverine, Rogue, and Havok from the Uncanny Avengers team; Luke Cage, Spectrum, and the Blue Marvel from the Mighty Avengers team; Captain Marvel, Hawkeye, and Spider-Man from the regular Avengers team, and Daredevil, Giant-Man, and Mach-VII making this solo adventures for themselves.

Johnny subdues one of the insects so Reed can get it back to the lab. Reed heads straight back there in hopes of a solution while the rest of the heroes keep fighting. Reed then regroups with everyone at the Fantasticar. He’s invented a device filled with “cytotoxin” that will neutralize the creatures if blasted with heat from the upper atmosphere over the city. Johnny volunteers, despite Reed warning there could be side effects.

Johnny flies off and activates the device, creating a massive fireball across the sky. It works, as all the insects are stunned and fall. Sue spots johnny knocked out and falling with them. Reed catches him as he comes to. In a daze, he says, “I can’t feel them anymore,” and “It’s like I’ve lost a limb or something.” He then sheds a tear and says, “My powers are gone.”

To be continued!

Unstable molecule: Reed says he developed his toxin by getting part of it from inside the Negative Zone, something that will come up next issue. But did he already have this in his lab from a previous adventure, or do we assume this alien invasion issue also has an entire Negative Zone expedition in it?

Fade out: Sue’s narration stops after just the first page, instead running through the whole issue like last time.

Clobberin’ time: While Reed sits up front in the new Fantasticar, it’s pointed out that Ben is the team pilot, and he’s the one who initiates the separation sequence.

Flame on: Johnny jokes that all Ben has to do is push the big button while flying the Fantasticar. But then, during the finale, his instructions for the toxin device are also to push the big button.

Fantastic fifth wheel: Spider-Man in this issue isn’t the real Spidey! It’s the Superior Spider-Man, a.k.a. Dr. Octopus’ brain inside Peter Parker’s dead body. One of the more misbegotten stories in Spider history. Luke Cage is also in the fight. This Giant-Man is the original, Hank Pym, not the FF’s Scott Lang.

Four and a half: Franklin cries out for his parents seconds before the explosion, able to sense that something’s up with the pocket universe he created.

Foundational: Artie Matticks is colored green in this issue, rather than his usual pink/purple. Let’s just say it’s the lighting.

Trivia time: The last time we saw inside the pocket universe (which the Marvel Wiki still insists on calling “Counter Earth”), that Earth had been conquered by Dr. Doom, only for it to become a Mad Max-like post apocalypse. He conquered that world again (!) and left it in charge of his general, Lancer, in the 2000 Doom miniseries.

Fantastic or frightful? Pretty impressive to pack an entire alien invasion crossover into a single issue. It’s all about building up to that last page, setting the stage for more complications in future issues. It’s one piece of a larger whole, but still a fun read.

Next: Get wrecked.

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Reading the dictionary: Gizzard-greed

Reading the dictionary front to back! It’s something I’ve always wanted to try. This week, somewhat appropriately, we go from glass to gold to greed.

We begin by digesting gizzard, “the muscular usually horny-lined enlargement of the alimentary canal of a bird used for churning and grinding up food.” The movie Jurassic Park never says why the triceratops is sick, but the book has an explanation about how it’s because the dinosaurs have gizzards. Also, “horny-lined?”

A gizzard did it.

Things get weird with glamour. In parenthesis, we get “magic spell,” and “from the popular association of erudition of occult practices.” The dictionary adds “Sc” to this as well, with the chart in the front of the book saying this is short for Scottish. Just so there’s no mistaking this for a Dungeons & Dragons manual, the actual definition is, “an exciting and often illusory and romantic attractiveness.” Did casting a glamour spell in D&D ever actually do anything?

Casting a spell.

Then we see through glass as “a hard brittle amorphous usually transparent or translucent consisting typically of silica.” It’s also a glass container or eyeglasses, of course.

Good thing there was no sequel.

Somehow Gloomy Gus makes it into the dictionary, as “a person who is habitually gloomy.” And on the next page we get glum, which is “broodingly morose, sullen” and “dreary, gloomy.”

Larsen just loves this little guy.

The word go has an astonishing 43 definitions, covering almost half an entire page. Most of these are what you’d expect, with lots of examples for each variation, like “goes barefoot,” or “goes on the top shelf,” but the book also says go can mean “to become lost, consumed, or spent,” and “to die.” Morbid.

The thrill-a-minute Go board game also goes unmentioned.

Then we’re back in gizzard territory with gobble, “to make the natural guttural noise of a male turkey,” and “to swallow and eat greedily.” Right below is gobbledygook, “generally unintelligible jargon.” That’s what reading a dictionary feels like after a while.

Gold is “a malleable yellow metallic chemical element used especially for coins and jewelry.” Do people still make gold coins? This is followed by golden eagle, “a large dark colored eagle with gold-colored feathers on the back of the head and neck.” And then one I’d never heard of before, golden hamster. It’s “a small tawny hamster often kept as a pet.” Shiny!

AAAHH, it has little hands!

Goth and gothic are strictly history, “a member of the Germanic people that early in the Christian era overran the Roman Empire,” and “of or relating to a style of architecture prevalent in western Europe from the middle 12th to the early 16th century.” Nothing about those cool college girls dressed in black you see on the subway. (era)

Daria and Jane: Goth or not?

Graffiti is “unauthorized writing or drawing on a public surface.” But there’s also graffito, “an inscription or drawing made on a public surface.” Where are we drawing the line (heh) between these two?

A grapnel is “a small anchor used especially to recover a sunken object especially to recover a sunken object or to anchor a small boat.” This doesn’t quite describe the grapnel boost from the Batman Arkham games, does it?

Maybe Batman IS the boat.

Want more? Greed is “acquisitive or selfish desire beyond reason.” Does that nail it, or is that perhaps a bit judgmental?

Von Stroheim knew what was up.

Next: Hello to H.

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