Todd McFarlane is a mega-millionaire with success undreamt of. I’m just some guy. But as I’ve been buying and reading – and enjoying! – Gunslinger Spawn, I’m struck with how the dialogue and captions are something of a mess. Hence, here’s my attempt to copyedit Gunslinger Spawn.

Wrapping up issue #5. For a couple of issues now, Gunslinger and Clown have confronted each other in a field outside of town. Clown wants Gunslinger to work with him to kill the Al Simmons Spawn. After fighting for a bit, Clown said Gunslinger is his kind of guy, and their conversation goes on.

I question whether that first sentence is needed, as this thought continues from the previous page. Other than that, some small edits here:

“Neither of us were Hell’s first choice. They never thought we were good enough. It started with the first symbiote, the one we turned into the Hellspawn costume.”

–

From there, it’s a few pages of Clown retelling Spawn’s origin from his point of view, followed by how Clown was sent into the future where he became the new and improved Clown we see in this series. These passages are well written and easy to follow. Then Clown circles back to his offer:

Some confusing wording here regarding this key Clown wants. My suggestion:

“Simmons has grown into the most powerful Spawn. He’ll sense me coming. But he wouldn’t suspect another Spawn. Bring me the key that gets me back into Hell.”

–

Gunslinger responds with another too-long sentence.

It’s a simple matter of breaking this up for better sentence flow. Maybe end it with a question to give the dialogue a back-and-forth feeling:

“Wouldn’t have taken you for the cowardly type. You want to unlock the dead zones, then run and hide?”

–

Clown’s response:

Making this less wordy can make it more dramatic:

“The treasure I’m looking for lies in Hell – Malebolgia’s empty throne!”

–

Then, a twist. Wolves emerge from the nearby woods, apparently under Gunslinger’s control.

“Turns to see” and phrases like it are safety words, and always something to lookout for when writing and editing. This is especially true in comics, where we can see Clown turning to look.

“Clown’s not the only one who commands an army.”

–

Gunslinger says he’ll help Clown, but only Clown sends him back not to 1864, when he came from, but two years earlier in 1862. While Clown considers this, wolves emerge from the nearby woods, apparently under Gunslinger’s control.

“Participants” is awkward, and perhaps “salivate” is awkward as well. One possible suggestion:

“Tensions build. Monsters. Wolves. Minions. All hungry.”

–

The standoff continues.

For this panel, what if their lines were not just shortened, but reversed:

Clown: “Get them to obey!”

Gunslinger: “I didn’t call them here.”

–

This next caption sets up a big one on the following page which reads “All hell breaks loose!” That’s a cliché, but this is a Spawn comic. Themes of Heaven and Hell are omnipresent.

Instead, how about a more direct intro to the next page:

“Too many primal instincts are triggered…”

(Next page): “And ALL HELL BREAKS LOOSE!”

–

After all this talk about after Clown has reinvented himself, the wolves are too much for him and his minions. I’m sure if they had more pages, McFarlane and artist Brett Booth could have established that these wolves are just as powerful.

There’s not much I can do with this caption other than shorten it:

“The battle is wild savagery with no winners.”

But… If I were actually McFarlane’s editor, I’d suggest a complete rewrite for this panel, establishing the wolves as being supernaturally powerful, and how they’re overwhelming Clown’s forces to the point of surrender.

–

Now evenly matched, Gunslinger and Clown go over their deal. Gunslinger asks what’s his part.

Just some small edits here for clarity:

“Two things for now. One, Spawn stays alive. We’re screwed if he dies. Two, become his friend. Or at least get him to believe you are.”

–

That’s the cliffhanger that ends issue #5. But, as we’ll see in #6, Clown and Gunslinger aren’t done negotiating yet. We’ll get to that… next time.

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