Tim Burton rewatch! The most cult-ish of all cult TV shows gets the Burton remake treatment in 2012’s Dark Shadows. Does it have… bite?

Here’s what happens: It’s the 1970s. Victoria Winters has arrived to be governess for the formerly wealthy Collins family during an unusually busy time for them. Ancestor Barnabas Collins is a centuries-old vampire recently risen from the grave with a mission to return the family business to its former glory. Barnabas and Victoria’s romance is complicated by the witch Angelique. She’s the one who cursed Barnabas with vampirism, and she’s still around to cause trouble. Also, there’s tons of other characters and subplots.

Origin story: The original Dark Shadows was quite the novelty, a daytime soap opera with a horror/gothic/supernatural twist. Running from 1966 to 1971, it seemed destined for cult status from the start. (Although, to be fair, the daytime soaps have done a surprising amount of sci-fi/fantasy plots over the years.) The show was created by producer wunderkind Dan Curtis, who never let a tiny TV budget sway him from bringing his big ideas to the screen. The rarely-seen 1990 NBC prime time revival of Dark Shadows is also worth checking out.

Outsider theory: You’d think Victoria would be our outsider, being thrown into the middle of this weird family and all the supernatural happenings. Instead, Burton and co. have a lot more fun with Barnabas being perplexed by the modern day.

Reality breaks through: Our villain Angelique represents the real world breaking through the fantasy, with her high-tech factory and sleek red sports car. She almost literally kicks open the door of the Collins’ old-timey mansion to complicate everyone’s lives by bringing in the outside world. But Angelique’s goal isn’t financial. Despite her curse on Barnabas, her main desire is to seduce him.

 Best bits: Julia: “Forgive me! You’re a good man! You’re a gentleman! Please…” Barnabas: “Madam, I am neither good nor gentle. And I do not forgive.”

Thoughts on this viewing: Dark Shadows should be the ultimate vampire romance, a chance to those punk Twilight kids how it’s really done. But this movie is so all over the place with so many side characters and subplots that Barnabas and Victoria barely interact. They also dial down the goth romance by making this a comedy, and a broad one at that. There are some individual moments that work, especially when it’s just Johnny Depp and Michelle Pfieffer together on screen, but this could have been so much more.

Next: A longer weenie.

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