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Re-reading the Fantastic Four comics from the start. Last issue took our heroes into space, and now, in issue seven, it’s back into space again.

The issue starts with our introduction to the villain of the week/month, Kurrgo, the master of Planet X. He’s got this huge, bulbous head and a tiny body. He sort of looks like he could be a Dick Tracy villain, if Dick Tracy villains wore disco pants.

He gives a big speech to no one about how the planet is far more advanced than Earth, but all of its tech can’t save it from the asteroid about to destroy it. Because the people of Planet X (X-ians?) choose not to visit other planets, there are only two spaceships and no time to build any more. Kurrgo decides to send his pet android to Earth and recruit the Fantastic Four. Although he trash-talks about Earthlings, he says they’re the only ones who can help.

From there, we get the customary several pages of the FF showing off their powers. They’ve been invited to a gala banquet in WashingtonD.C., and everyone’s apprehensive about it. Ben thinks everyone will react in fear upon seeing his monstrousness, Sue fears she’ll get embarrassed and turn invisible, and Johnny is concerned he’ll lose control of his fire powers while telling a joke about beatniks (no, really). Some of Ben and Johnny’s horsing around caused the building to fill up with steam, so Reed has to stretch into the air conditioning and fix everything.

Once all that’s taken care of, it’s off D.C., where things start out just fine. But then Kurrgo’s android arrives, and bombards the entire planet with a “hostility ray.” This makes everyone at the banquet hate each other (politicians hating each other? I’m shocked!) and it especially turns everyone against the FF. They escape the mob without hurting anyone, and then are chased by the android until he delivers Kurrgo’s message. He says he’ll turn off the ray if the FF help save Planet X. If they don’t, they’ll spend the rest of their lives being hated by everyone on Earth. No one asks why Kurrgo does all this instead of just asking politely.

So it’s off to Planet X. Ben says he doesn’t trust Kurrgo. Reed agrees, but then says he went along anyway because visiting another planet is too exciting an opportunity to pass up. Again, why didn’t Kurrgo just ask politely? The FF would have gone anyway! Our heroes finally meet Kurrgo (Ben calls him a “puny-lookin’ shrimp”), who tells the FF that Planet X only has 24 hours left, and if they don’t save the planet, they die along with it. The four try to escape, but the android easily defeats all four of them. Reed says there no choice but to try to save the planet.

In Planet X’s “most modern lab,” Reed comes up with a plan. He invents a “reducing gas” which will shrink all the people of Planet X (X-ites?) to tiny size, allowing them all to fit in one spaceship. Upon arriving on a new homeworld, the gas will reverse and everyone will be fine. (No one asks how Reed is going to do all this in 24 hours. Maybe the days are longer on Planet X.) Kurrgo comes up with an alternate plan. He’ll keep all the gas for himself, and turn into a giant on the new world, ruling over all the people of Planet X (X… men?).  So that’s why Kurrgo didn’t just ask politely: He’s a total dick! Fortunately, Reed pulled a fast one on him. Kurrgo has an empty canister. The rest of the aliens will remain tiny on their home, which won’t matter, as long as they’re all the same size. As for Kurrgo, he’s stuck behind as Planet X is destroyed. The FF just leaves him there? Cold, man.

The FF takes the second Planet X ship back to Earth, never once asking whether the “hostility ray” from earlier was ever turned off.

Unstable Molecule: Reed’s stretching into the air conditioning vents is nice and freaky, especially the one panel of his head flat like a piece of paper. Plus, his brains save the day again.

Fade Out: Poor sue doesn’t do much. Her plan to distract the android is cut short during the fight, so we never get to see if it would have worked.

Clobberin’ Time: Ben isn’t strong enough to stop the android, and he tosses a few boulders around as Planet X falls apart. His biggest contribution is being right not to trust Kurrgo.

Flame On: Johnny also fails to defeat the android. (Can nothing stop it?) His only role in this issue is comic relief, really. I wish we could’ve heard his beatnik joke.

Trivia Time: Kurrgo obviously never became a headlining character. It’s not likely he’ll show up in a blockbuster film adaptation, but he was prominent enough to be a villain of the week in the 1967 Hanna-Barbera Fantastic Four TV cartoon.

Am unrelated character named “Kurrgo” shows up in the Star Trek tie-in novel The Art of the Impossible. This Kurrgo is a Klingon restaurant owner living on Cardassian Prime. Hey fan fiction writers, let’s get these two guys together!

Fantastic or Frightful: It’s another goofy, borderline-nonsense issue, but there are a few cool bits. Jack Kirby’s far-out depiction of Planet X is all crazy Kirby style, and the twist at the end is amusing, if dark. Not a “classic” issue, but a fun one.

Next week: Introducing Alicia.

Like to read? Check out my book, CINE HIGH, now available for the Kindle and the free Kindle app.

Re-reading the Fantastic Four comics from the start. Before there were crossovers, there were team-ups. Issue number six brings us the first villain team-up in the FF’s history, with the baddies we just met in the previous two issues

Once again, the first couple of pages are an excuse for the four heroes to show off their powers. The Human Torch and the Invisible Girl are hurrying to get to the team’s skyscraper headquarters. (Still not called the BaxterBuilding – it’s just “headquarters.”) Sue uses the electric doo-hickey on her belt to call for the FF’s private elevator, as we get another of Jack Kirby’s cutaway drawings of the skyscraper. This one features, among other things, a “long range passenger missile, able to reach any place on Earth in minutes.”

Why were Sue and Johnny in such a hurry to get back to base? Reed’s called them there to – get this – answer all their fan mail. Reed stretches across the street to an adjoining skyscraper to say hi to a young fan, while Ben bends some steel as his response to a jokey letter from the Yancy Street Gang.

Meanwhile, out at sea, the Namor the Submariner is playfully swimming with some dolphins (he doesn’t seem too heartbroken about the whole “losing my kingdom” thing), when he’s approached by Doctor Doom, flying an “aerosub,” a combo of an airplane and a submarine. Doom catches Subby’s attention, and they retire to the bottom of the sea to talk. Doom gives a big speech about how the surface world’s nuclear testing is what destroyed Atlantis. Doom calls for revenge, and Subby buys it, despite a photo of Sue on display in his home (where’d he get that?). Doom then introduces his new invention, a magnetic “grabber,” which can lift thousands of times its own weight.

There’s a bit of business with Namor flying around and walking down a New York street before we go back to FF headquarters where Johnny discovers Sue has a photo of Namor hidden away (where’d she get that?). On cue, Namor shows up, saying he got inside through an open window. So much for all that high tech security. Despite Ben and Johnny’s protestations, Namor says he’s only there to talk. He says he’s “on a holiday” and just wants to take Sue on a date. Before we can process that, Doom’s “grabber” grabs the entire building and lifts it up into the sky.

Aboard his plane, Doom tows the skyscraper into space. Thanks to some fishbowl helmets, the FF and Namor are able to breathe in space. The next few pages are all about the characters trying to get out of the building and attempting to reach Doom’s plane. Johnny’s flame snuffs out in the vacuum of space and Reed can’t stretch that far. Doom threatens to toss the building into the sun, but Namor won’t have it. (If Doom’s plan is to suck the FF’s headquarters into space, what does he need Namor for? A distraction?)

With an epic three-panel leap through space, Namor shouts, “Go! Go! Go!” and he reaches Doom’s ship. Doom tries to electrify Namor, but Namor absorbs and returns the charge (“like an electric eel,” he says), blasting Doom into space. Doom grabs hold of a passing meteor and escapes. Namor uses Doom’s ship to return the skyscraper back where it belongs. We’re told that New Yorkers who see this believe it is, “a hallucination resulting from the anxieties that plague our nuclear society.”

Namor buries the grabber and Doom’s plane at the bottom of the ocean, and… that’s that for this issue.

Unstable Molecule: Reed can stretch across buildings in New   York, but not from headquarters to Doom’s plane. Because… space?

Fade out: While everyone else wants to deck Namor, Sue pleads for them to give him a second chance. She totally wants him.

Clobberin’ Time: Every time Ben starts to fight Namor, someone, usually Reed, stops him. Then, he does nothing during the space adventure.

Flame on: First, Johnny burns a hole in the floor beneath Namor, forgetting he can fly. Then he forgets that flame doesn’t work in the vacuum of space. When he did get so forgetful?

Trivia time: Doom would later headline his own series, simply called Super-Villain Team-up. You can see the precedent for that series starting in this issue.

I believe this is our first reference to the Yancy Street Gang, the rarely seen but often mentioned hoodlums from Ben’s old neighborhood who delight in pulling pranks on him.

Fantastic or Frightful: Villain team-ups are often criticized, in that they tend to dilute the characterization of each one. In this issue, it’s the FF heroes who are diluted, turned into bit players as Doom and Namor duke it out. The four heroes are ineffectual, failing at everything they try. Tim Story must love this issue!

On the plus side, Jack Kirby’s art is exceptional in this one. There’s a stellar bird’s eye view drawing of the skyscraper being lifted into space, looking down on Manhattan. It takes your breath away. The undersea scenes also give Kirby a chance to shine, with all kinds of crazy creatures and designs.

The issue sets itself up for being something huge and epic, but it doesn’t quite get there.

Next week: More outer space fun, with a guy who looks like he could be a Dick Tracy villain.

Like to read? Check out my book, CINE HIGH, now available for the Kindle and the free Kindle app.

Re-reading the Fantastic Four comics from the start. We’re up to issue #5, the debut of the book’s biggest, baddest bad guy.

The first page illustrates (heh) everything we need to know about Dr. Doom, and what makes him such a memorable villain. There he is with his metal mask and green robes, surrounded by books about demons and sorcery, and with a vulture perched in the background. He looks like he might be some kind of Dungeons and Dragons-type wizard, but then he hops into a slick-looking helicopter and takes off for action. This speaks to the duality of the character. He lives in an ancient stone castle, but one filled with technological wonders. His cloak and metal mask hides high tech body armor. As we’ll come to see, he’s “old world” and “futuristic” all at once.

The story proper begins with the requisite two pages of the characters showing off their powers, this time as Johnny and Ben fight after Johnny shows Ben an Incredible Hulk comic (cross-promotion!) and compares Ben to ol’ Greenskin. This is interrupted by Doom, whose helicopter appears over their skyscraper headquarters (Not the Baxter Building. It’s still referred to only as “headquarters”), dropping a huge net over the whole building. It’s super-strong and electrified, so the four can’t escape. Doom demands that they surrender themselves to him.

Reed reveals that he knows Doom, and that they went to college together. In a mere five panels, we get Doom’s origin. He was a brilliant science student who was also fascinated with the mystic arts. He built a device to try to contact the “nether world.” The experiment goes badly, exploding and ruining Doom’s face. He’s expelled from school, and was last seen exploring the Himalayas, in search of more secrets of black magic. What’s interesting about this origin is how much of it isn’t here. There’s no mention of his rivalry with Reed, the real reason he wants to contact the nether world, or the fictional country of Latveria. Those gaps will be filled in future comics.

Sue surrenders to Doom. He takes her captive and then whisks the entire team to his castle stronghold. There, he spells out what he wants from them. He’s created a time machine and wants Reed, Ben, and Johnny to go back in time and steal the legendary treasure of Blackbeard the pirate. (No one asks why Doom can’t just do this himself.) The treasure, Doom says, has great magic powers. After debating this among his pals, Reed finally agrees to Doom’s terms. The time machine is delightfully simple, a plain yellow square our heroes stand on. It rises up over them, and, just like that, they’re back in pirate times.

First things first: Ben scares some pirates, who run off leaving a bag of clothes behind, making convenient costumes for the three, including an eyepatch and fake beard for Ben. (Why did the pirates have a fake beard in their bag?) A few scallywags knock out the three with some spiked blog, and they wake up in a ship’s hold, forced to serve as crew on a pirate ship. That won’t fly, and a fight breaks out. FF versus pirates, oh yeah! Our heroes clean up, only to have their ship attacked by a rival pirate crew. Ben of all people leads the charge and captures the other ship. There, they find Blackbeard’s treasure, only to realize that Ben is the Blackbeard history remembers! The word “paradox” is of never used.

Reed knows that Doom can’t get his hands on the treasure, so he dumps the jewls and gold, replacing them with heavy chains. Ben has other ideas, though. He wants to stay, and live the life of a pirate, going so far as to order his new crew to take Reed and Johnny captive. Oddly, a whirlwind comes out of nowhere, sinking the ship and spreading the treasure all over the bottom of the ocean. After washing up on shore, Ben apologizes to Reed for getting carried away, saying, “I lost my dumb head for a while.”

Doom presses a button, and the time machine returns everyone to the present. After discovering the chains, a fight breaks out, and Ben smashes Doom, only to discover it’s a robot duplicate (better known as a Doombot) in disguise. The real Dr. Doom is in another room, and cuts off the oxygen. He’s conveniently forgotten about Sue, who, invisible, throws a switch that causes Doom’s oxygen-sucking machine to explode. Hey, Doom, perhaps you should rethink inventing machines that so easily explode.

Escaping the castle is quite a production. First, Reed and Ben work together to take out a wall, and then Johnny uses his flame to create a path through the moat. Doom escapes, of course, thanks to a flying jetpack. Don’t worry — he’ll be back next issue.

Unstable Molecule: Reed gets into the action during the pirate battles by stretching up a ship’s crow’s nest and then stretching from one ship to another. His powers come in handy again at the end, where he and Ben work together to escape from Doom’s castle.

Fade Out: Sue saves the day, after Doom underestimates her. She frees her three teammates while invisible, with both hands tied behind her back no less.

Clobberin’ Time: The whole issue is a showcase for Ben. He becomes a pirate king back in the old days, which drives him a little power-mad. He then regrets his actions, and pleads forgiveness from his friends. Look at that, genuine character development.

Flame On: Johnny also has some fun fighting the pirates, melting swords and stirring up steam around the enemy ships.

Trivia Time: It’s the first appearance of Dr. Doom, but not of Dr. Doom’s cape. Instead, he’s hearing this wimpy little half-cape thing that just barely covers his shoulders. This look won’t last beyond this issue, except for the occasional flashback, when he gets his cloak next issue. Still, he makes an impression, with his distinctive look, pompous demeanor, and overall menace. Artist Jack Kirby allegedly modeled Doom after the classic image of the Grim Reaper, except with a metal mask in place of a skull. How cool is that?

Doom’s time machine has a long history in Marvel Comics, as it’ll later be established that he built a bunch of these and hid them in various spots around the world. They travel not just through time but into alternate dimensions as well. Every couple of years, one costumed adventurer or another stumbles across yet another of Doom’s time machines. It’s kind of a Marvel tradition at this point.

This issue is also the first appearance of a Doombot, robot duplicates of himself Doom uses to get him out of trouble. They’ve provided an “easy out” for a lot of FF writers over the years, with a countless list of “It was a really a Doombot” scenes across the decades.

Blackbeard, of course, was a real person, Captain Edward Teach, whose fame as a pirate spread throughout the early 1700s. That hasn’t stopped various writers from putting all kinds of crazy spins on his life, though. Ben’s short-lived stint as Blackbeard has got to be up there with the weirdest. Even this would be revisited in a recent issue of AMAZING SPIDER-MAN, shortly after Spidey joined the FF (long story).

Fantastic or Frightful: Pulp adventure goodness! Jack Kirby clearly had fun in this issue with all the pirate battles. Stan’s over-the-top dialogue works wonders with Dr. Doom. Sure, there are plot holes galore and more than one deus ex machine (where’d that whirlwind at sea come from?) but it doesn’t diminish the pure fun on display here.

Next week: Super-villain team-up… in space!

Like to read? Check out my book, CINE HIGH, now available for the Kindle and the free Kindle app.

Re-reading the Fantastic Four comics from the start. Issue number four is one of the most famous comics of all time, bringing back the Sub-Mariner, a classic villain from the 1940s, and making him a major player in the Marvel universe.

The story begins in “a secret skyscraper hideout in the caverns of New York.” Isn’t “caverns of New York” some kind of oxymoron? Ben, Sue and Reed fret over where Johnny might have gone after quitting the team at the end of the last issue. Using the individual sections of the Fantasticar, they search the city for Johnny. This is this issue’s excuse for the “the characters show off their powers for several pages at the beginning of the story” thing. Reed questions a motorcyclist, checks out a baseball game, and peeks into a passing train. Doesn’t he have high-tech scanning equipment he could be using? Sue stops searching and takes a break, enjoying a soda. Not much urgency here. Ben smartly goes to a garage where Johnny likes to hang out. He and Johnny have a brief fight, but Johnny escapes after Ben has another “turns human for a few seconds only to turn right back” moment.

Johnny takes up residence in a crappy men’s shelter in the Bowery, where he chuckles over an old 1940s comic book about the Sub-Mariner, and Johnny remarks that there really was a Sub-Mariner, before his time. One of the bums there has a resemblance to the character, and then shows superhuman strength after a brawl breaks out. Johnny carefully uses his flame to burn off the man’s beard and, sure enough, it’s the Sub-Mariner. Amazing coincidence, right? Perhaps not, as Stan Lee writes in this issue, “Thus does destiny toy with the lives of humans.”

Johnny makes the questionable decision of returning the Sub-Mariner to the ocean. Being undersea again causes Subby’s memory to come back. We learn that his real name is Namor. He swims down to Atlantis, only to find it destroyed by the surface world’s nuclear testing and its people long since fled. Namor returns to Johnny and announces his intent to unleash revenge on the human race. Johnny signals his teammates, and, just like that, they’re a team again.

Namor returns to the ocean, recovers a magic horn, and uses to summon Giganto, a massive whale-like monster. We get a couple of pages of Godzilla-style action as Giganto rises from the ocean and trashes part of the city. Ben comes up with a plan. Get this: In the space of two panels, Ben hurries over the nearest military depot, and returns with a nuclear bomb strapped to his back. A soldier is seen helping Ben with the huge bomb, so Ben didn’t steal it. What, does the army just hand out nukes to any superhero who knocks on its door? No matter how it’s possible, Ben now has a nuke. When Giganto stops for a rest, Ben walks right into its mouth, so small from the monster’s point of view that the monster doesn’t notice him. The Thing has a Baron Munchausen moment where he finds a bunch of shipwrecks in Giganto’s belly, as well a whole other sea monster running around in there. Ben fights it, which has got to be a strange experience – fighting a sea monster inside another sea monster. The nuke goes off, brutally killing Giganto as Ben barely escapes. Insert comments about ridiculous nuclear physics here.

Sue swipes the horn from Namor, but he catches her. He immediately gets the hots for Sue, calling her the loveliest human he’s ever seen. She tries to appeal to his better nature, but Namor, in his arrogance, refuses and says he will summon so many sea monsters that the surface world will fall back into a second stone age. Johnny has heard enough, so he flies upward so hard and fast that he creates a “man-made tornado” which sweeps both Namor and the dead monster back into the ocean. Why didn’t he just do that to start with? Namor swears vengeance, and Reed swears that the FF will be ready for him when he returns. We’ll see how ready in a mere two issues.

From here on, Namor becomes one of the biggest names in the Marvel universe, battling most of the classic marvel heroes. He’s been both a bad guy and a good guy, joining the Defenders, and, most recently, the X-Men. He’s been an exile from Atlantis, a leader of Atlantis, and even spent some time a corporate CEO. Despite his importance, Namor has never been a favorite character of mine, as I always felt the combo of swim trunks, pointy ears, and those little wings on his ankles made him look more goofy than intimidating, but there’s no denying his place in comics history. We’re going to be seeing a lot of Namor during this re-read, so better get used to him.

Unstable Molecule: Reed does hardly anything in this issue, aside from pestering motorcyclists and commuters while searching for Johnny.

Fade Out: Sue steals the magic trumpet horn from Namor, but it’s only after she turns visible that she gets him talking.

Clobberin’ Time: Ben, walking into a giant monster’s mouth with a nuclear bomb strapped to his back? Hardcore.

Flame On: Johnny makes the questionable choice of returning Namor to the ocean, considering that doing so endangers mankind, but at the end he saves the day by tossing Namor back into the ocean a second time. His reunion with the team is something of a non-event, considering how dramatic the breakup was at the end of the last issue.

Trivia Time: Namor really does have a long pre-history at Marvel going back to the ‘40s, where he was as an enemy to the 1940s Human Torch, an android. This makes it fitting that so much of the issue is based on interaction between Namor and the FF’s Torch.

Fantastic or Frightful: This is the issue where things really start to gel. There are plot holes, sure, but it has that high adventure, anything goes feeling of the best FF tales. Kirby’s artwork really shines, especially with all the undersea monster action. It gets even better next issue.

Next week: Doom!

Like to read? Check out my book, CINE HIGH, now available for the Kindle and the free Kindle app.

Remember those articles in Cult Movies magazine that tried to establish a seamless continuity for all the Universal horror movies? Of course you do. With so many film versions of Batman, and with so many of them different from each other, I wondered if there was any way to view them all not as separate interpretations of Batman, but as one single series, with each film as a chapter, part of the larger whole. Then, it dawned on me. The movies can have a single continuity, but only when watched in the right order.

I’m not stupid. Of course I know that these films were never meant to be seen this way, and that actors, directors, producers, etc. have changed from movie to movie. This is a just-for-fun, a “what if.”

So, if all the Batman movies are one story, here’s the right order to watch them in:

Batman Begins. Because this is where he begins. Der.

Batman (1989). This one opens with Batman still at the early part of his crimfighting career, as he’s in “ubran legend” status in Gotham. We get to see the origin of the Joker, foreshadowed by the image of a playing card, just as we saw at the end of Begins. The Joker appears to die at the end, but since when has a little thing like death stopped a comic book villain? Also, Bruce split with Rachel at the end of Begins, and we won’t see her again until The Dark Knight, so there’s room for a fling with Vicki Vale in this movie. Also, the movie briefly establishes Harvey Dent as district attorney, leading into the next chapter.

The Dark Knight. The Joker is back, with no explanation, so it’s easy to extrapolate that he survived the end of the ’89 movie. It’s left unexplained where he came from, so we can easily assume his origin in the ’89 movie carries right over to this one. The Joker’s methodology is similar as well. He starts by taking over the mob, and then, once in power, he uses those resources to unleash his personal brand of chaos onto the city.

Batman: Mask of the Phantasm. Dark Knight ends with Batman retreating into the shadows, a fugitive. This one begins with him in a similar state, as he’s framed for murder and the general public sees him as someone to be feared. A past love of Bruce’s figures prominently in the plot, but there are enough years skipped in Batman Begins that there’s plenty of room for a lost romance or two. The Joker shows up again, still alive, and it’s made clear that he and Batman have a history.

Batman Forever. By this point, Batman has been crimefighting for some time, and its positive effects on the city are starting to show. Criminals have devolved from organized mobsters to face-painted street thugs who fight with oversized glowsticks. The dark, oppressive architecture of Gotham is being replaced by a brighter, neon-lit look across the whole city. Wait… Two-Face is back? It’s possible he might have survived the fall at the end of The Dark Knight, and has been in Arkham until now. A news report in Forever shows a different origin for Two-Face, but, really, who can trust the media these days?

Batman the Movie (1966). Batman is at the top of his game, so much that now he’s “fully deputized” by Commissioner Gordon. The Batcopter is stored at a public airport, and he flies it around during the day as police salute him. The Joker and the Riddler are here, still alive as we last saw them. Amid all the brightness in the film, there’s a moment of sadness as things don’t end well between Bruce and Catwoman, something we’ll see more of. Also note how Robin’s concern about not invading Batman’s privacy mirrors a similar concern expressed to Batman back in The Dark Knight.

Batman and Robin. Again, here we see Batman at the top of his game. The city has become accustomed to Batman’s presence, and people are assured that he’s always there to save them. While driving the Batmobile, he speaks to Gordon via videoconferencing, and Gordon has gotten so used to this stuff that he uses the word “supervillain” casually. Batman has a support system of Robin and Batgirl now in place, so that street crime is reduced to naught but weirdo illegal motorcycle races. Batman is so well established that he’s even making public appearances for charity, not unlike the press confrences we just saw him do in the 1966 film. Mr. Freeze and Poison Ivy notwithstanding, he’s more or less cleaned up Gotham.

 Batman and Mr. Freeze: Subzero. At the end of Batman and Robin, Batman promises to cure Nora, Mr. Freeze’s wife. That promise is not mentioned in this film, yet the fact that it’s gone unfulfilled explains Freeze’s return to crime. This movie mostly puts the emphasis not on Batman but on Batgirl and Robin. Problematically, Batman and Robin introduced Batgirl as Alfred’s niece, but in this movie she’s Commissioner Gordon’s daughter. Could Gordon and Alfred be long-lost brothers? Nah, too far-fetched. I think we can speculate that after Alfred got sick in Batman and Robin, that Gordon took Barbara in as his ward, like Bruce did with Robin. Moving on, Batgirl previously said she planned to leave for South America, and she and Robin are awfully flirty with each other, so we can surmise they both left for South America together after this, which is why we don’t see them again.

Batman Returns. After riding high on all of his successes, this is when the tide once again turns against Batman. Alone again, Bruce has nothing to do with himself except sit inside stately Wayne Manor and brood, until the Batsignal calls him to action. The Penguin frames Batman for several crimes and declares Batman to be a freak, eschewing Bruce Wayne’s status as “Gotham’s number one son.” This sets the stage for economic disparity to be a key theme in the next chapter. That brings us to Catwoman, probably the most troublesome character in this continuity. Batman meets her in this movie, but had already met her in the last one, and will meet her again in the next. The only way to explain this is with the “wipe the droid’s memory” excuse. Each time she uses one of her nine (or more) lives, Catwoman’s memory gets scrambled. In this one, we see how she becomes Catwoman, but not how she got all her athletic/whip-crackin’ skills. This can be explained in that she already had them, just not the memory of them. This can also explain how she shows up in our next movie with no memory of this one. The movie’s ending is bleak, so much that we can interpret the title as Batman returning not to action, but returning to the darkness. It’s personal tragedy that drives him back into the shadows, into hiding, which is where we’ll find him in…

The Dark Knight Rises. Catwoman is back, so we’ll have to assume her memory got jumbled again after her defeat in Returns, and of course Bruce isn’t going to reveal his secret identity to her upon meeting her a third time after what happened before. I think it’s safe to say that the Bane in this movie is not the same person as the plant-monster Bane we met in Batman and Robin. We can go ahead and call that one a coincidence, or maybe one is copycatting the other.

Finally, Batman Beyond: Return of the Joker comes last on the list, what with it taking place in the distant future and all.

There we have it. Eleven Batman movies with PERFECT continuity, right?

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Re-reading the Fantastic Four comics from the start. Issue #3 introduces a lot of what the comic is famous for, along with one of its more obscure villains.

The tale begins with the FF at a magic show. Because why not? The magician calls himself the Miracle Man, and shows his superhuman strength to be far greater than the Thing’s. Reed ruminates on how glad he is that the Miracle Man is not a criminal. Spoke to soon, because the next scene has Miracle Man saying it’s time to throw off his “mask of respectability” and make the world fear him. That’s his motivation, apparently, to demonstrate how powerful he is and make everyone be afraid.

From there, we get the debut of the flying Fantasticar, a great Jack Kirby invention that gives each member of the team his or her own section of the vehicle. We also get the first cutaway of the FF’s headquarters, showing, among other things, a projection room, a conference room, and a photo analysis room. Also at headquarters, Sue debuts the FF’s uniforms, with her saying, “we’re in this business of crime fighting for real!” Before this point, the characters just wore normal clothes. OK, so the story goes that in between the last issue and this one, the folks at DC had introduced the Justice League to great success, and the folks at Marvel felt the pressure to take the FF and make them more traditional superhero-y. I have no idea if that’s true, but the story is out there. (See also: Similarities between the Fantastic Four and DC’s Challengers of the Unknown.)

Back to the story, there’s a lot of hype in town over a new movie, THE MONSTER FROM MARS, and a life-size fake monster constructed outside the theater. The Miracle Man shows up and makes the monster come to life, and leads it on a rampage across the city. The monster destroys cars, steals diamonds, and gets caught up in Reed’s body when Reed stretches across to buildings to stop it. The monster then attacks the “local ordinance depot” to steal an atomic tank, only to be stopped by the Human Torch, who burns the monster to the ground, revealing it was made of wood and plaster the whole time. The Miracle Man douses Johnny’s flame with chemical foam (where’d he get that?), and stops Ben by making the ground open up beneath him. Sue, while invisible, sneaks aboard the stolen tank as Miracle Man makes his escape.

Back at headquarters, Johnny and Ben have a pretty nasty argument, ending with Ben wanting to hit Johnny. This isn’t the amusing family bickering that the characters are known for, but more like a “some things can’t be unsaid” type of argument. Elsewhere, At Miracle Man’s hideout, a junkyard, Miracle Man discovers Sue, hypnotizes her so she’s under his command, and has her summon the rest of the team as a trap. The big confrontation begins with a weird scene in which he aims a giant key at our heroes, only to transform it magically into a machine gun. Reed dodges the bullets as a bouncing ball, and the bullets just bounce off of Ben. The Miracle Man takes off in the atomic tank, and Reed, Johnny and Ben follow in an antique roadster which we’re told is stored at the junkyard “between exhibitions.” Your guess is as good as mine. The chase has a funny bit in which Reed stretches himself around one of the wheels as its tire, before Johnny blinds the Miracle Man with a burst bright light from his fire.

As the Miracle Man recovers his sight, Reed deduces the truth. Miracle Man has no supernatural powers, but instead accomplished all this through hypnotism. Wait, what? He hypnotized the entire city, including police and soldiers, into merely thinking they were seeing all this? What did Johnny burn down? What about that tank? Or the stolen jewels? Maybe in the early ‘60s, hypnotism was far-out science, but still. The big deal about the ending isn’t the Miracle Man’s reveal. It’s the comic’s first cliffhanger. As Ben continues to berate Johnny, Johnny up and announces that he’s quitting the team. He flies off, and the others wonder what will become of their little family dynamic.

Unstable molecule: Reed turns himself into a bouncing ball to dodge bullets (would that work?) and the bit where stands in for a tire in the middle of a chase (that’s gotta hurt).

Fade out: Sue does the stealth thing by sneaking into the Miracle Man’s hideout. Too bad she gets caught right afterward.

Clobberin’ Time: Ben pretty much gets his butt handed to him this issue, humiliated and then defeated by the Miracle Man.

Flame on: Johnny saves the day twice in this one, first by destroying the monster and then by blinding the bad guy. Then, after all that, Ben still gives him grief. No wonder he left.

Trivia time: The Miracle Man won’t be seen again until issue #139. He went on to develop actual supernatural powers, only to be killed by the Scourge (“Justice is served!”) and later brought back from the dead in a scheme to take out the Punisher, after which he went back to wallowing in obscurity. This is not the same Miracle Man from the Marvelman/Miracleman legal troubles that have been pockmarking the comic industry for the last couple of years.

Fantastic of Frightful: Nothing about the Miracle Man makes sense, and it’s no wonder he’s not considered a “classic” villain. The meat of the story, though, is the tension between Johnny and Ben, which drives Johnny to quit the team. Going back to those Justice League comparisons, the League of this era were all buddies, so this conflict among the FF must have been something quite surprising for readers of the time. Plus, the group breaks up only three issues in. It’s enough so that you can’t wait to pick up the next issue.

Next week: Here’s Subby!

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Re-reading the Fantastic Four comics from the start. Issue #2 introduces the Skrulls.

Once again, the issue begins with several pages of the four characters running around the city, showing off their powers. Only this time, there’s a twist — the Fantastic Four are committing crimes! No, turns out it’s the Skrulls, green-skinned aliens who can make themselves look like anyone. They’re using sci-fi doohickeys to mimic the Fantastic Four’s powers, framing them for the Skrulls’ crimes. The Skrulls are doing this because they believe the FF are the only ones who can stop them.

The real FF, for some reason, is staying at a remote hunting lodge. They’re not hiding, because the army shows up at their doorstep to arrest them. The FF surrender and are locked up in special cells, we’re told, that are designed just for them. The army already had these ready to go, did they? Once behind bars, the four escape, trashing the prison in the process (so much for that “surrender” business). They reunite at one of Reed’s “secret apartments” (?) to plot their next move.

Johnny and Ben bicker like crazy, after which it’s decided that Johnny will go undercover, letting the Skrulls think he’s one of them in disguise. Amazingly, it works, and Johnny leads the rest of the four to the Skrulls’ hideout. There, they learn a Skrull armada is in space, ready to attack. Using the same ploy, the other three FFers pretend to be Skrulls as well, and they’re taken into space to meet with the Skrull leader. Reed shows the leader pictures of giant monsters and advanced technology, to scare him off and keep him from invading. Here’s where things get real silly: the pictures are drawings from Strange Tales and Journey Into Mystery – Marvel comics.  Even better, the alien warlord actually falls for it! The armada leaves, in fear of the comic book drawings.

The FF head back to Earth, where they still have to deal with both the army and the four Skrulls who initially impersonated them. The Skrulls change into various monstrous forms, only to be defeated by the Fantastic Four. The very trusting army apologizes to Reed and just leaves the Skrulls there with him. Out of nowhere, the Skrulls announce that they don’t what to be Skrulls anymore, so Reed – get this – hypnotizes them into believing they’re cows, allowing them to spend the rest of their days on a peaceful farm. What the heck?

Unstable Molecule: This is more like the Reed I know, saving the day with his awesome smarts and not just his awesome powers. But where’d he get this hypnotism ability from? And scaring off the evil alien leader with comic book drawings? Yeesh.

Fade Out: Aside from freaking out soldiers and a few Skrulls by turning invisible, Sue doesn’t do much in this one.

Clobberin’ Time: Ben actually turns back to human for a few panels during a moment of anguish, something that will happen quite often in these early issues. He also smashes a spiked Skrull monster real good.

Flame on: Johnny gets a lot more to do, thankfully, putting himself on the line for the good of the team. We see some of the famous bickering between him and Ben get its start.

Trivia Time: The Skrulls might have been defeated by comic books and hypnotism, but they nonetheless went on to be major players in the Marvel universe. They had their wars against the Kree, Galactus ate their homeworld, they lost the ability to shapeshift for a while, and, most recently, they almost succeeded in invading the Earth. The cows from this issue even returned in a surprise twist in a later comic.

Fantastic or Frightful? What a silly story. Again, I’m left with the thought that Stan and Jack were making it up on the fly. Kirby’s art is great, though, as this issue gives him a chance to show off alien monsters and spaceships galore.

Next Friday: The Miracle Man!

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I just can’t get those two Fantastic Four movies out of my system. The two Tim Story flicks just did not do those great characters justice. Trying to put just how and why into words, though, has been tricky, and because of that I’ve irked many fans of the movies.

So let’s go back — all the way back and reread the comics from the start. Let’s all rediscover what makes the fantastic four so Fantastic.

I’ll break issues down as such:

Unstable Molecules: Mr. Fantastic’s most memorable moment in the issue, whether it is due to his stretching powers or his unending genius.

Fade Out: The Invisible Girl’s most memorable moment, either her invisibility powers, or her role as the heart of the group.

Clobberin’ Time: The Thing’s most memorable scene, which could be due to his awesome strength, or his contradictory nature as both misunderstood monster and wisecracking New Yorker.

Flame On: The Human Torch’s most memorable scene, either by use of his fire-based powers, or his fun-loving and sometimes short-tempered personality.

Trivia Time: Random comic facts gleaned from each issue.

Fantastic or Frightful: Final thoughts on each issue.

Time to go all the back to issue number one.

****

Here it is, the very first issue of Fantastic Four. It covers a lot of ground, as we get to know our heroes, learn their origin, and then join them on a monster-fightin’ encounter with the Mole Man.

The splash page is interesting for a couple of reasons. For one, the title “Fantastic Four” is more than just lettering, but actual words skywritten over the city by one of Reed’s devices. Also, we get headshots of our four heroes, introduced by their real names. We don’t get their superhero names until later.

From there, we get something that’s going to be familiar throughout a lot of these early issues – some excuse for the characters to show off their powers for a few pages before the plot starts. This time, our heroes see the words in the sky and respond, making their way from various spots around town to their headquarters. Sue is shopping, turns invisible, and messes with people as she does so. Ben, coincidentally, is also shopping, in disguise beneath a huge trenchcoat. People get a look at him, freak out thinking he’s a monster, and chase him through the city. It’s even worse for Johnny, who goes from working on a hot rod in a garage to being chased over the skies in the city by the air force (!) when all he’s trying to do is get to the meeting. He’s saved by Reed, conveniently using his powers.

Our four reunited, we get a flashback to the origin. Reed had designed and built a spaceship and is feeling the pressure to get into the stars soon. As Sue points out, “We’ve got to take the chance, unless we want the commies to beat us!” Ben doesn’t want to fly the ship, because he’s concerned about the cosmic rays, but he does a 180 after Sue calls him a coward. The four break into the base and sneak onto the ship (I was so looking forward to this scene in the movie, but no luck). As Ben feared, the cosmic rays kick in, cause the ship to crash and giving everyone their powers.

Here’s what’s interesting: Ben is actually right, and Reed is wrong. This leads to the ship crashing and Ben becoming a monster. Then, when Reed marvels at their new powers, it’s not him but Ben who says they should use their powers to help mankind. In this sense, some might argue that the Tim Story movie is accurate in having Reed always screw up and make mistakes. As we’ll see, though, Reed takes more of an active heroic role in what is to follow.

Back to the present, Reed exposits how energy plants around the globe are being destroyed. We even see one go down, courtesy of a giant green monster. Reed deduces that the source of the attacks is the mythical “MonsterIsland.” The four travel there on their private jet, where they’re immediately attacked by a three-headed monster. This is where Jack Kirby’s art really shines in this issue, with the wild-looking creatures. Reed and Johnny are separated from Sue and Ben. Underground, Reed and Johnny meet the Mole Man, learning that the villain retired toMonsterIslandbecause he was too ugly to get a job or a girlfriend. We’ve all been there, bro. A funny scene has the Mole Man taking down Johnny in hand-to-hand combat, demonstrating his awesome moves. We don’t see this side of him very often in later encounters. Sue and Ben, meanwhile, roam the surface, fighting more monsters.

Things end abruptly, as the Mole Man tries to summon more monsters to attack our heroes, but Johnny stops them by using his flames to cause a rock slide (?). The four escape, wondering if the Mole Man survived. You can just tell Stan and Jack had reached the final two pages and had to scramble to come with an ending at the last minute.

Unstable molecules: Reed turns his arm into a lasso to stop a monster, and he forms himself into a parachute shape to lower Johnny to safety (wait… why isn’t Johnny just flying?)

Fade out: Sue turns invisible to confuse a monster as it attacks.

Clobberin’ Time: Ben has a short but great fight with a rock monster, ending with him tossing it into the ocean.

Flame on: Aside from somehow causing a rock slide on the last page, Johnny doesn’t do a whole lot, and mostly screws things up (Whatever happened to those air force pilots chasing him? Did they just give up?) Johnny’s more like the other three’s sidekick in this first issue.

Trivia Time: According to one of the cops pursuing Ben, this isn’tNew York, but “Central City.” No, I don’t know where the Flash is during all this.

Fantastic or Frightful? Everyone loves to go on about how these silver age comics pack a ton of story into each issue. This one, though, bites off a little more than it can chew. The big deal about this issue is that it takes a long time introducing us to our heroes and their origin, which is good, but then it leaves us with a rushed, abrupt ending, with half the action described in captions. Now that the introductions are over, though, the real fun can begin.

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