Ten cent movies: War of the Robots

Posted on September 18, 2012 by Mac McEntire

A while back, I spent a whopping $5 on this 50-movie set, Sci-fi Invasion. That adds up to 10 cents per movie. War of the Robots is the most painful-to-watch one yet.

Here’s what happens: I have no idea what the hell happens! It takes place in the future (I think), where a bunch of guys with matching blonde wigs kidnap a scientist and his bosomy assistant, and then a bunch of other guys fly around in space for a while.

Speculative spectacle: Crap model spaceships, spaceship interiors that look like middle school play sets, ill-fitting jumpsuits for costumes, horrid dubbing, splotches of paint on the screen to represent explosions, fight choreography that makes William Shatner look like Donnie Yen – this movie’s budget must have been less than what I paid for it.

Sleaze factor: Everybody on board the ship seems more interested in the love triangle between the heroic captain, the buxom scientist’s assistant, and another female crewmember. Why bother with saving the universe when there’s so much juicy gossip to be had?

Quantum quotables: Check out the flirtatious banter:

Hunky Guy: “Since the captain doesn’t even notice you, despite the torch you’ve been carrying for him for quite a while, why don’t you just drop him off on the satellite, and take the rest of us back home?”

Hot babe: “That’s a good idea. I’ll remember to apply it to you when you’re on a remote planet somewhere in the galaxy, far away where nobody can find you.”

What the felgercarb? Nothing makes sense. Who’s the bald dude with the loincloth, and why does he join the crew? Why do all the robots have matching blonde wigs? What is the scientist’s plan, exactly? Why can’t someone explain to me what’s happening?

Microcosmic minutiae: Because it’s 1978, of course there’s a rip-off lightsaber battle. The movie doesn’t actually call them lightsabers, though – they’re “Imperium Swords.”

Worth 10 cents? Not even the most mind-altering of drugs can save this one. I want my dime back.

Like movies? Like to read? Check out my book, CINE HIGH, now available for the Kindle and the free Kindle app.

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Fantastic Friday: That’s impossible, man

Posted on September 15, 2012 by Mac McEntire

Re-reading the Fantastic Four comics from the start. Superman has Mr. Mxyzptlk, Batman has Bat-Mite, and, in issue Fantastic Four #11, the FF meet their version, the Impossible Man.

Our story begins in the “hobo jungles” where an alien appears out of nowhere, saying he’s from the planet Poppup. He wants their food, but the hobos will only give him food in exchange for money. (“We’re legitimate hobos,” one of them says.)

With a “pop” sound effect, the alien transforms himself into a jet, and flies to the nearest bank, where he turns into a tiny insect to crawl under the vault door. He helps himself to the cash, and then turns himself hard as steel to deflect the guards’ bullets.

The Fantastic Four are called in to investigate. They find the alien stuffing his face at a fancy restaurant, much to the annoyance of the other customers. (“He’s pretty durn hungry,” Ben says.) Reed nicknames the alien Impossible Man, and I will now nickname him Impy. Impy says there are so many natural disasters on his homeworld that evolution has allowed his people to change form at will to protect themselves. (Have fun with that one, creationists.) Why did Impy come to Earth? What is his master plan? He doesn’t have one – he’s on vacation!

A fight breaks out. Impy grows spikes to puncture the Thing’s rocklike hide, he turns into a bag full of water to douse Johnny’s flame, and he transforms into a dart to escape Reed’s stretching hands. Impy causes more trouble out in the street, where he turns into a monster to steal a car. He takes to the sky and is chased by Johnny, and when the National Guard shows up, he turns into a bomb and threatens to blow up the city, only to have Reed throw him up into the sky at the last minute. Back on the ground, Impy recovers and says Earth is like one big party, and he plans to stay forever. That’s when Reed comes up with a plan – ignore Impy, and he’ll go away. Word spreads around the world quickly, and, in true silver age comics fashion, it actually works. People everywhere ignore Impy’s antics, and Impy leaves the Earth due to pure boredom.

This issue also features a backup story, in which beleaguered mailman Willy Lumpkin shows up with a bag full of fan mail. Willy wants to join the group, hoping his ability to wiggle his ears can grant him membership. Sorry, Willy, but maybe you can try Prof. Xavier’s school. They accept all kinds of weirdoes. As the FF reads all the letters, we get what is basically a FAQ for the series so far. The origin story is retold, and one-panel recreations of fights against the Skrulls in issue 2 and Dr. Doom in issue 4. We learn a little more about Ben and Reed’s friendship, establishing that they served together in World War II. Some of the letters say Sue contributes nothing to the group, and the others disagree, reminding her (and readers) of all the times she’s rescued them. They then surprise her with a birthday cake. And here she thought they’d forgotten.

Unstable Molecule: Reed saves the day by his using his brains, again. When there’s a baddie too powerful to fight, Reed instead finds another way.

Fade Out: Impy refuses to fight Sue, on the grounds that she’s a girl. He even turns himself into a bunch of flowers so he accidentally hurt her. In the backup story, several pages are spent making the argument that she’s a valuable member of the group.

Clobberin’ Time: In the backup story, Ben gets another prank gift from the Yancy Street Gang (a boxing glove on a spring right into his face). He temporarily turns human again for a few minutes, as another of Reed’s temporary cures kicks in.

Flame On: Johnny is the only one who puts up a real fight against Impy, forcing him to the ground by creating a hypnotic pattern of flame in the sky. Unless, of course, Impy was just faking…

Trivia Time: Although generally considered one of the biggies in the FF’s rogue’s gallery, the Impossible Man won’t be seen again until issue #176. Even after his return, he’s normally depicted in comedic stories, as a mischief-maker as opposed to a full-on villain.

This is also the first appearance of mailman Willy Lumpkin, a favorite comic relief character. He’s gone on to have a long history in Marvel Comics, meeting a wide range of Marvel heroes and villains. He even dated Spider-Man’s Aunt May for a while.

Fantastic or Frightful: According to oh-so-reliable internet rumors, this was not a high-selling issue. The kiddie-friendly tale with the Impossible Man is probably to blame. It’s OK to have a mostly comedic issue, it’s just that this one is too thin, lacking the “high adventure” feel of the best Fantastic Four tales.

Next week: Hulk smash!

Like to read? Check out my book, CINE HIGH, now available for the Kindle and the free Kindle app.

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Ten cent movies: Hands of Steel

Posted on September 13, 2012 by Mac McEntire

A while back, I spent a whopping $5 on this 50-movie set, Sci-fi Invasion. That adds up to 10 cents per movie. Let’s get futuristic with Hands of Steel, which was obviously released in some places under the name Atomic Cyborg.

Here’s what happens: It’s the post-apocalyptic future. An evil industrialist sends his astonishingly ‘roided up android, Paco, to kill an environmentalist who is popular with the people. Paco gets in touch with his human side, though, and takes the fight to the bad guys.

Speculative spectacle: The Terminator is clearly an influence here, with a hugely musclebound dude playing the android.

Sleaze factor: Bar brawls, killing guys with a single punch, a little android/woman lovin’ and a finale in which our hero dukes it out with a lingerie-clad female martial artist. Yeah, it’s got the sleaze.

Quantum quotables: “Not bad. But you’re a goddam jackass for drivin’ in that acid rain back there. Now it ain’t worth much more than a bucket of rust.” –A futuristic used car salesman, talking the talk

What the felgercarb? Paco’s signature move is to cross his arms in front of himself with his palms facing inward, and then giving a double backhand slap to his opponents. And this kills them!

Also, a time-filling subplot in the middle of the movie has our robotic hero entering an arm-wrestling challenge, temporarily transforming this from a Terminator rip-off to an Over the Top rip-off.

Microcosmic minutiae: John Saxon of Nightmare on Elm Street and Enter the Dragon (and dozens of other great films) shows up as one of the villains. A true professional, he out-acts everyone, taking the part seriously even though it’s clearly low-budget schlock.

Worth 10 cents? The anti-pollution message is as heavy-handed as heavy-handed gets, but the android-fightin’ post-apoc cheese is worth all ten pennies.

Like movies? Like to read? Check out my book, CINE HIGH, now available for the Kindle and the free Kindle app.

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Ten cent movies: The Eyes Behind the Stars

Posted on September 11, 2012 by Mac McEntire

A while back, I spent a whopping $5 on this 50-movie set, Sci-fi Invasion. That adds up to 10 cents per movie. Now it’s time for 1978’s The Eyes Behind the Stars. (How can they see anything from back there?)

Here’s what happens: A photographer is abducted by aliens while taking pics of a model out in the woods. Police launch an investigation into what happened to him.

Speculative spectacle: It’s a proto X-Files with all the alien abduction stuff, except that the aliens look more like silver-suited Martians from a 1950s sci-fi flick.

Sleaze factor: Very little. We spend most of the movie with the cops, who are all stuffy and formal while on the case.

Quantum quotables: Cop #1: “It’s very curious, inspector. This dog’s alive. It appears to be blind, sir.” Cop #2: “Yes, it certainly is odd. Well, leave me alone with him.”

(Who’s the odd one here, inspector?)

What the felgercarb? It’s another in a long line of “Italians pretending to be Americans” movies, complete with astonishingly bad dubbing (Half of the time, the movie is in England, the other half in America).

Microcosmic minutiae: Once the military gets involved with the case, one character is addressed only as “Wing Commander,” and suddenly I’m wishing I was watching that movie instead.

Worth 10 cents? Just dreadfully boring. The guy is abducted by aliens in the first few minutes. The rest of the movie is people investigating his disappearance, even though we in the audience already know what happened to him. Totally NOT worth the dime.

Like movies? Like to read? Check out my book, CINE HIGH, now available for the Kindle and the free Kindle app.

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Fantastic Friday: Let’s everybody brain-swap

Posted on September 7, 2012 by Mac McEntire

Re-reading the Fantastic Four comics from the start. We reach the double digits in issue 10, so it’s appropriate that it’s a tale about brain switching.

The issue begins with Reed taking a picture of Sue with his “electronic x-ray camera with radioactive film.” Is that safe? He manages to get a picture of her while she’s invisible. I immediately thought, “Ah, this is something that’s going to come into play later in the story.” Guess what? It doesn’t.

Somewhere else in the city, Ben fires the big “4” flare in the sky. This kicks off the customary “our heroes show off their powers for the first few pages” thing. To begin, Reed, Sue and Johnny are locked inside the lab. There’s no explanation why or how this happened, but Reed stretched through the door and Johnny uses his heat on the lock. Out on the street, the three of them then use their powers to escape from crowds of admirers. They find Ben at Alicia’s apartment. There’s no crisis, he just wanted to show them some of Alicia’s new sculptures. Well, that was a whole lot of nothing happening.

Then we get the issue’s most famous scene. Cut to the Marvel Comics office (on Madison Avenue, the text specifies) where Stan Lee and Jack Kirby go all meta, saying they can’t come up with new villains for upcoming Fantastic Four comics. Randomly, Doctor Doom walks through the door. He insists that Stan and Jack arrange a meeting with Reed to talk about future issues, going so far as to take off his mask and frighten the two Marvel staffers with his scarred face.

Reed falls for Doom’s trick and goes to the Marvel offices, where Doom knocks him out with some gas. Reed wakes up in Doom’s “secret laboratory.” Doom explains that after being flung into space in issue #6, he was found by peaceful alien “Ovoids” who live forever by transferring their minds into younger bodies when they get old. Armed with this new knowledge, Doom returned to Earth with a new plan. He brain-switches with Reed, so now Doom’s mind is in Reed’s body and Reed’s mind is in Doom’s body.

Sue, Ben, and Johnny show up for the rescue, and Doom-in-Reed’s-body keeps up the ruse, encouraging the other to capture Reed-in-Doom’s-body. They lock Reed-in-Doom’s-body in a cage beneath the lab, with Doom-in-Reed’s-body explaining that he’ll have plenty of air. This is a lie, though, as the oxygen containers only have a few hours in them. Back at headquarters, Doom-in-Reed’s-body announces his new invention, a shrink ray. He convinces the other three that by shrinking and then enlarging them, their powers will increase by huge amounts. Ben, Sue and Johnny don’t make themselves look very bright by believing in this.

Reed-in-Doom’s-body rigs the oxygen canisters to explode, providing an escape from his cage. For reasons unexplained, he goes to Alicia’s apartment. Sue is also there, invisible, and she knocks out Reed-in-Doom’s-body. The rest of the team show up, and both Alicia and Ben can tell there’s something “off” about Reed-in-Doom’s-body. Back at headquarters, Reed-in-Doom’s-body continues to plea his case, while Doom-in-Reed’s-body hurries to finish work on the shrink ray. While working on the shrink ray, there’s an odd bit of business where a bunch of tiny animals get loose in the building, and our heroes have to round them up.

Reed, Ben and Johnny finally get a clue. Get this: Johnny uses his power to heat up air particles around them, to create the illusion that a stick of dynamite from a nearby construction site appears in the room. Wha-huh? I guess Stan was up against a tight deadline and needed an ending, and quick. Reed-in-Doom’s-body jumps onto the dynamite to protect everyone else, while Doom-in-Reed’s-body flees like a coward, and then confirms the mind-switch for everyone else. The shock of being discovered reverts Doom back into his own body and Reed back into his.

A fight breaks out, with Doom revealing that his metal gauntlets contain a “sub-miniature transistor-powered atomic blast gun.” Well, why not? He fires wildly, hitting the shrink ray, which goes haywire and strikes him back. Doom shrinks away into nothingness, and we’re supposed to believe we’ll never, ever see him again.

Unstable Molecule: Reed’s genius helps him escape from Doom’s cage, while Doom-in-Reed’s-body uses Reed’s powers to easily defeat Doom-in-Reed’s-body.

Fade Out: While hiding out at Alicia’s place, Sue single-handedly knocks out Reed-in-Doom’s-body. Tough girl!

Clobberin’ Time: Ben does very little in this issue. He can somehow tell that Doom isn’t Doom, and he later prevents Doom-in-Reed’s-body from escaping.

Flame On: Johnny’s stunt of creating a “mirage” by manipulating air particles with his heat is a typically crazy bit of silver age weirdness. It’s another case of “If he can do this, why doesn’t he do it all the time?”

Trivia Time: This is not the last time Stan Lee and Jack Kirby, not to mention other Marvel staffers, would cameo in their own comics. In this issue, they keep their faces obscured, just like Doom does when Doom unmasks. In later cameos, they show their (illustrated) faces.

The Ovoids, the aliens who rescue Doom, later appeared in a She-Hulk arc, among others. They will be most well-known (if at all) for their role in the death of Air-Master, a herald of Galactus. This was the Ovoids’ way of driving off Galactus. Not bad for a bunch of little brainy guys.

Doom’s mind-switching powers show up rarely, but they are used again, most notably a slow-burn, years-long plot twist during John Byrne’s run on the book years later.

Fantastic or Frightful: There’s lot of goofiness in this issue, but a lot of it is intentional. If I’m ever fortunate enough to visit the Marvel offices, I’m going to ask to see the spot where Doctor Doom met Stan and Jack.

Like to read? Check out my book, CINE HIGH, now available for the Kindle and the free Kindle app.

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Ten cent movies: The Day Time Ended

Posted on September 6, 2012 by Mac McEntire

A while back, I spent a whopping $5 on this 50-movie DVD set, Sci-fi Invasion. That adds up to 10 cents per movie. Up next is The Day Time Ended, from 1980.

Here’s what happens: A family moves a ranch way out in the middle of nowhere. On their first night in their home, aliens show up, invade the house, and eventually transport the family through time and space.

Speculative spectacle: Aliens, laser beams, and giant monsters? Well, all right then.

Sleaze factor: Zero. The filmmakers are going for a family-friendly, Spielbergian vibe.

Quantum quotables: “Have you seen my new pony?” –What any little girl would say when a glowing green alien spaceship lands right in front of her.

What the felgercarb? The aliens, spaceships, and dinosaur-like creatures are all captured with stop motion animation, which is good, but why is that one tiny green alien ballet dancing?

Microcosmic minutiae: The dad is played by Jim Davis. I looked it up and, no, it’s not the same Jim Davis who draws Garfield.

Worth 10 cents? Substitute “aliens” for “ghosts” and this movie is pretty much doing what Poltergeist would do a few years later. The Day Time Ended, though, doesn’t have any of that movie’s budget or talent. Keep the dime and watch Poltergeist instead.

Check out my book, CINE HIGH, now available for the Kindle and the free Kindle app.

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Fantastic Friday: More like the fantastic 99 percent

Posted on August 31, 2012 by Mac McEntire

 

Re-reading the Fantastic Four comics from the start. Issue #9 is one of the most famous in the series’ history, because of how silly it is.

The splash page features Namor, all alone in his undersea lair, watching the news on TV (why not?), where he learns that the Fantastic Four are broke. It’s at this point that the reader says, “Did I miss an issue?” No, that’s just how this one begins.

From there, we go to FF headquarters, which is filled with bill collectors demanding the thousands of dollars the FF owes. More of them show up in the building’s hanger, threatening to dismantle the FF’s pogo plane, and Reed admits he’s had to sell it, along with all of his other inventions. He says he spent all the team’s savings on the stock market, only to have the market crash. Prescience!

Ben visits Alicia, who has sculpted a white knight puppet for him, saying he’s her white knight. This calms him down, and he rejoins his teammates, where Reed says a big-time Hollywood studio has offered the team starring roles in a movie, ending their money woes by paying $1 million cash (cue Dr. Evil reference here). The only problem is getting from New York to L.A., leading to the famous panel of our heroes on the side of the road, hitchhiking.

Sadly, we never get to see what poor soul gives them a drive, because by the next page, the FF are at the studio. A bunch of background characters are clearly based on famous celebrities of the time, but I’m afraid I don’t recognize all of them. I spotted Hitchcock’s iconic profile, as well as Bob Hope and Bing Crosby, but who’s this “Jack” character that chats with the Thing? Jack Benny? Jack Kirby? The FF are taken to the producer’s gigantic office, only to learn the studio head is… Namor, the Sub-Mariner! Plot twist!

Namor explains that he used treasures taken from the bottom of the sea to purchase the entire studio, and the he plans to make a movie starring his “former” foes. Reed buys a new suit, and Johnny buys a fancy sports car. I guess going broke a few pages earlier didn’t teach them any lessons about money management. Ben roughs up some bullies at the beach, and Namor once again goes after Sue, treating her to a romantic dinner. She’s not falling for it, though, and questions his motives. He says all we be made clear soon.

On the first day of filming, Namor, who is apparently also directing, is out on a boat with Reed. He tells Reed to go to a nearby island and fight a Cyclops robot, while the crew films from the boat. Reed goes along with this, not knowing that Namor set him up, and that it’s a real Cyclops, who kills any humans who come near his island. I love that this sort of stuff just randomly exists in the Marvel Universe. Reed defeats the Cyclops, but Namor believes Reed is dead. Moving on, Namor tries a similar trick on Johnny, trapping him on an island where the bloodthirsty, non-politically correct natives use a magic potion to make themselves fireproof (!). Johnny escapes from them and uses his flame to make a nearby volcano erupt. The natives escape, but the lava flow destroys their magic potion, or so Johnny says (how does he know that)?

Elsewhere, on another beach, Namor drops all pretense of making a movie and just starts beating on Ben. Ben fights back, and they go at it for a few panels. A bolt of lightning comes out of nowhere (I swear I’m not kidding) and turns Ben back into a human for a few seconds, allowing Namor to get the drop on him.

Thinking he’s won, Namor returns to Sue and proposes. I guess he thinks she’ll be so impressed that he just killed the three most important people in her life that she’ll fall right into his arms. She doesn’t, and instead turns invisible and tries to make her escape. She almost gets away, but Namor, who we’re told can mimic the abilities of any sealife, uses the “radar vision” of “cave fish” to see Sue. The other three burst in and are about to fight Namor, but Sue stops them with the “we had a contract” excuse. They were in his movie, so now he has to pay them. I guess the contract didn’t have a “Yeah, but he tried to kill us” clause.

Namor pays up and returns to the sea, leaving his new lucrative Hollywood life behind. What’s better, the movie is released and is a huge hit, with the FF raking the cash and returning to their high-class lifestyle. That was convenient.

Unstable Molecule: Reed busts out a lot of cool moves during the random Cyclops fight, such as turning his body into a giant slingshot and then a giant tripwire.

Fade Out: Despite having nowhere near the power levels of Namor, Sue puts up a good fight, and almost makes her escape. She also saves the day, not through violence but through contract negotiation.

Clobberin’ Time: Ben was well on his way to defeating Namor in hand-to-hand combat until he gets Deus Ex Machina-ed by a bolt of lightning.

Flame On: Johnny’s fight against the random fireproof natives has him using his wits, such as creating fire duplicates of himself to confuse them.

Trivia Time: This would not be Namor’s last time as an executive. The Namor mini-series of the 80s also recast him as a corporate executive.

The Marvel Wiki refers to the Cyclops of this issue as “The Mythical Cyclops” to avoid confusing it with the X-Men character of the same name. To date, this is the first and last appearance of the Mythical Cyclops.

Fantastic or Frightful: There’s a panel early on where Reed is looking at a bunch of comics, grousing about how comic book characters never need to worry about paying their bills. Little moments like these are part of why we love all Stan Lee’s writing, his ability to make everyday life part of outrageous superhero adventure. This issue is famous for being silly, and rightfully so, but it’s also hugely entertaining.

Next week: Let’s everybody mind-swap!

Like to read? Check out my book, CINE HIGH, now available for the Kindle and the free Kindle app.

 

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Ten cent movies: The Head

Posted on August 30, 2012 by Mac McEntire

A while back, I spent a whopping $5 on a 50-movie DVD set, Sci-fi Invasion. That adds up to 10 cents per movie. Today we’re going back to 1959 for the black-and-white midnight movie The Head. No, it’s not the MTV cartoon.

Here’s what happened: A mad scientist has successfully transplanted the head of a dog onto another dog’s body. After the scientist suffers a heart attack, his assistant keeps the research going. He schemes to transplant a hunchback nurse’s head onto the body of a local exotic dancer.

Speculative spectacle: Mad science! Head transplants! A hunchback! Strippers! Unusually dimly-lit operating rooms!

Sleaze factor: There are headless bodies and bodiless heads, of course. Plus, the scenes at the strip club are pretty tame by today’s standards, but must have been quite extreme by 1950s standards.

Quantum quotables: “You get a big kick out of taking your clothes off in front of those slobs, don’t ya?” –Typical strip club dressing room chatter, no doubt.

What the felgercarb? Hey Doctor Who fans, there’s a character named “Dr. Ood.”

Microcosmic minutiae: There’s an urban legend that a successful dog-head-transplant really was performed in Russia many years ago. It was a key plot point in the movie X-Files: Fight the Future.

The Head, released in 1959, contains several visual and plot elements that would later be seen in 1962’s slightly more well known The Brain That Wouldn’t Die.

Worth 10 cents? Totally dark, twisted, and macabre. This is good middle-of-the-night viewing during your next scary movie marathon.

Check out my book, CINE HIGH, now available for the Kindle and the free Kindle app.

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Ten cent movies: Brain Twisters

Posted on August 27, 2012 by Mac McEntire

A while back, I spent a whopping $5 on this 50-movie set, Sci-fi Invasion. That adds up to 10 cents per movie. So, let’s watch these things and see whether each one was worth so steep a cost.

I’ll be viewing the films with following criteria in mind:

Here’s what happened: The plot, or lack thereof.

Quantum quotables: Memorable and/or cringe-worthy line of dialogue.

Speculative spectacle: Assessing the sci-fi/fantasy aspects of each film.

Sleaze factor: My inner 12-year-old takes over to examine how trashy each movie is.

What the felgercarb? Every movie is bound to have at least one “WTF” moment, right?

Microcosmic minutiae: Whatever trivia I’m able to dig up on the movie.

Worth 20 cents? Back to the original question, is the movie worth the dime I spent on it?

Our first case study is the 1991 psychological thriller Brain Twisters.

Here’s what happens: A college professor, Rothman, conducts experiments on students while developing mind-controlling software, which he says is harmless. Except that it isn’t harmless, it’s turning the students into murderous psychopaths.

Speculative spectacle: The movie is mostly a police procedural as a bland detective investigates the bland murders around the bland college campus. It’s not much of a mystery, though, as Rothman is obviously evil right from the start.

The mind control device is merely students strapped to a chair as an extremely low-rent version of 2001’s “It’s full of stars” sequence plays.

Sleaze factor: It’s a horror movie set in a college, so of course there has to be a subplot about a teacher gettin’ it on with one of his comely female students.

Also, if you had any doubts at all about Rothman’s evilness, the fact that he keeps one of the murder victim’s heads in a jar in his lab should clue you in. He says it’s for science, but come on.

Quantum quotables: “I suggest you quit school and pursue your lascivious talents where they can be appreciated.” –Rothman, who knows just what to say to seduce one of his hot young students.

“You like… raspberry twirl?” –Rothman does his best to sound sinister while holding an ice cream cone in each hand.

What the felgercarb? Once possessed, one girl goes around murdering men by jabbing them in the neck with her long fingernails. Feminism!

Microcosmic minutiae: Talk about a cast of unknowns. I like to think I’m pretty “with it” when it comes to movie trivia, but I didn’t recognize a single name in the credits.

Worth 10 cents? BO-ring! All the actors are so wooden, and the pace is so slow, that I just can’t recommend it. Spend the 10 cents on… what the hell else does 10 cents buy these days?

Check out my book, CINE HIGH, now available for the Kindle and the free Kindle app.

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Fantastic Friday: All the world’s a stage, and we’re merely puppets

Posted on August 24, 2012 by Mac McEntire

Re-reading the Fantastic Four comics from the start. Issue eight introduces one of the most important supporting characters in the comic’s history.

The story begins at FF headquarters, where Mr. Fantastic is not letting Ben inside the lab. Ben thinks this is because the other three think he’s beneath them. A fight breaks out, with Johnny and Reed trying to keep Ben out of the lab. Ben leaves, and Sue follows invisibly. Outside, a couple of guys make fun of Ben, only to have Sue and Ben knock them around a little. Then Sue spots a guy climbing a bridge about to jump. He’s apparently in some sort of trance. Sue signals the rest of the team, and Johnny saves the guy.

Elsewhere in the city, we meet the Puppet Master, who was controlling the would-be suicide via a tiny puppet (and a tiny version of the bridge, for completeness’ sake). We also meet Puppet Master’s blind stepdaughter, Alicia. Because she’s blind, she doesn’t know stepdad is playing with creepy dolls. The Puppet Master shoos her away, and we learn he creates his mind-controlling puppets out of “radioactive clay.” Why hasn’t this been a Mythbusters episode yet?

Puppet Master (Screw it, from now on I’m calling him P.M.) creates a puppet of Ben, and Ben feels compelled to go to P.M.’s apartment. Sue follows, but Alicia can tell that someone else in the room. She can sense Sue’s presence, but not radioactive puppets? P.M. gives himself, Sue and Ben gas masks, and then fills the room with gas, knocking Sue out and turns her visible. Alicia is fascinated with Ben, touching his face. She can sense his strength, but she also believes there is a deeper level of sensitivity within him.

P.M. then disguises Alicia as Sue, complete with a spare FF uniform and a blonde wig. (Where’d he get that?) Under P.M.’s control, Ben and Alicia sneak into FF headquarters. Another fight breaks out, and Ben finally sees what’s in the lab. Reed has developed a new chemical that can turn Ben back into a human. This undoes P.M.’s mind control. Alicia is afraid, but Ben calms her down. The chemical wears off, and he becomes the Thing again, learning that Alicia actually likes him more when he’s the monster.

Sue tries to escape from P.M.’s clutches. He stops her, but she manages to signal the group. The other three arrive, but P.M. is ready for them, siccing a giant robot puppet on them and then escaping on a winged horse puppet, which he says is his greatest creation. (How big is this apartment of his, anyway?) The pursuit is cut short when the team learns P.M. used his puppets to engineer a jailbreak. They take care of the escaping prisoners in several pages of awesome Jack Kirby action.

Alicia as back at her apartment, sad now that she knows her stepdad is evil. P.M. returns, saying he still hasn’t used his greatest puppet. (Wait… he just said the flying horse was his greatest puppet. Poor horsie.) It’s a “king” version of himself, which he plans to use to conquer all the world’s governments and make humanity his slaves. So why didn’t he just start with this puppet? Alicia tries to grab it from him. She falls, and he drops the puppet. As he reaches for it, he trips and falls out the nearest window. It’s then that the FF show up. Ben comforts Alicia, while Reed and Sue wonder what really made the P.M. fall. “I wonder if we’ll ever really know,” Reed says.

Unstable Molecule: Impressively, each character has a moment to shine, and none of them are depicted as incompetent. You hear that, Tim Story? None of the heroes are depicted as incompetent. During the jailbreak, Reed does that thing where bullets go into him, he stretches, and then shoots them back at the bad guys.

Fade Out: Sue literally kicks one of Ben’s hecklers in the butt. She doesn’t escape from P.M., but in her escape attempt she signals the rest of the team.

Clobberin’ Time: Ben comes off as an angry thug early on, but Alicia’s assessment of his great depth of character comes true when he comforts her at the end. He also takes out a whole bunch of the escaping prisoners, tearing apart prison walls and turning them into makeshift cages.

Flame On: While fighting Ben, Johnny debuts a new move, his “Roman candle punch.” You can bet I’ll be looking to see if that ever gets used again.

Trivia Time: Obviously, it’s our first appearance of Alicia, who’s going practically going to be a member of the family from here on out. The fact that she can pass as Sue is never mentioned after this.

The Puppet Master stays on as a major villain throughout the series run, if for no other reason than because he and Alicia are family. What, exactly, is the deal with his look? Between the arched eyebrows and the oversized lips, it seems like someone should be offended by his visage, but I don’t know who. (Actually, his origin was revealed in an early issue of Marvel Team-up. Too bad for you that this is a Fantastic Four re-read.)

Fantastic or Frightful: This is a great comic. It has a lot of action, suspense, and emotion. Each one of the four gets a moment of cool, and yet the finale comes down to Alicia versus her evil stepdad, which made for an unexpected twist. Great stuff all around.

Next week: Are you prepared for one of the goofiest, silliest stories in Fantastic Four history? Are you?

Like to read? Check out my book, CINE HIGH, now available for the Kindle and the free Kindle app.

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