Gunslinger Spawn copyedited, part 10

Todd McFarlane is a mega-millionaire with success undreamt of. I’m just some guy. But as I’ve been buying and reading – and enjoying! – Gunslinger Spawn, I’m struck with how the dialogue and captions are something of a mess. Hence, here’s my attempt to copyedit Gunslinger Spawn.

Continuing with issue #4, classic Spawn villain the Clown has Gunslinger cornered. Clown is multiple characters now, with a bunch of “baby Clowns” and a big Violator monster with him. Now, our time-displaced demonic cowboy anti-hero fights back.

This refers to Gunslinger starting the fight on the previous page by tossing a baby Clown at the Violator, giving himself an opening. Therefore, I don’t believe there’s any “if” as to whether Gunslinger will make a move. My suggestion:

“He makes his move!”

Or, if you want to describe the action with more specifics:

“He gave himself an opening, and now he makes his move!”

The baby Clowns pose no threat, so Gunslinger attacks the main villain.

This is awkward for readers because “he” could refer to either Gunslinger or Clown on first reading. My edit:

“As for Clown, Gunslinger has faced this overconfident type before.”

The Violator is too strong for Gunslinger, beating him senseless.

Again, a reminder to omit needless words:

“Enough! He gets my point.”

Clown regains the upper hand, and the two exchange barbs.

Shortening these sentences just a little can give them more impact:

“On your feet, cowboy.”

And:

“I’ll get up when I’m ready, fat man!”

Clown furthers his menace.

I’d delete “As you wish,” as it’d just remind readers of The Princess Bride. Then cut to the point:

“I’m the alpha. Stop barking before you upset the other dogs.”

More villain/hero banter.

Is that what Gunslinger would do if afraid? Based on what we’ve seen in this series, he fights even harder when outnumbered and losing. My suggestion:

“Don’t make me unleash them.”

And:

“Right. Why do your own fighting when you can cower behind others?”

You could remove “Right” from Gunslinger’s dialogue, but I kept it to give him some extra snarkiness.

– 

More fighting!

I don’t know if “insubordination” works in this context, because Gunslinger is not one of Clown’s soldiers. Also, how could Gunslinger be both valuable and inferior? My suggestion:

“Clown knows Gunslinger’s immense value, but he won’t tolerate this behavior.”

And:

“A lesson must be taught.”

The next caption:

What Yoda-speak is this? My edit:

“He whispers a single syllable, ‘Go.’”

The baby Clowns reveal how powerful they are. They overwhelm and defeat Gunslinger.

The phrase “minion troops” phrase is awkward, but I kept it because just “minions” would remind people of those cartoon movies.

“The minion troops offer the bleeding hero to their master, like a sacrifice.”

Clown and his crew then tie a noose around Gunslinger’s neck and hang him from a nearby tree. It’s a dark and disturbing image, but also evocative of classic Westerns. You’d think this would be the cliffhanger, but there’s more issue #4 to go. We’ll get to that next week.

* * * *

Want more? Check out my ongoing serial, THE SUBTERKNIGHTS, on Kindle Vella. A man searches for his missing sister in a sprawling city full of far-out tech and secret magic. It’s a sci-fi/fantasy hybrid full of action, romance, mystery, and laughs. The first three chapters are FREE! Click here for a list of all my books and serials.

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Gunslinger Spawn copyedited, part 9

Todd McFarlane is a mega-millionaire with success undreamt of. I’m just some guy. But as I’ve been buying and reading – and enjoying! – Gunslinger Spawn, I’m struck with how the dialogue and captions are something of a mess. Hence, here’s my attempt to copyedit Gunslinger Spawn.

Issue #4 begins where the previous left off. Gunslinger was losing his fight against Dakota, only to be saved by classic Spawn villain the Clown. How can I copyedit Clown’s dialogue? He’s supposed to be an agent of chaos, unpredictable and outrageous. Best to look at when Clown is being serious versus when he’s being, you know, a clown.

The “looking into a man’s eyes” phrase could be considered a cliché. From there, we can righten this up to show Clown’s not joking.

“On your feet, cowboy. I’m about to make you an offer that’ll get you everything you want.”

Clown continues:

“Whether you like it or not” is an unneeded phrase. My edit:

“You’re about to become partners with the Clown!”

Next, an expository caption:

I get that McFarlane wants to emphasize how this is Gunslinger and Clown’s first meeting, but this is so wordy.

“Al Simmons has faced him dozens of times, but not Gunslinger.”

Clown is less jokey in this scene and more serious:

Some of this could be cliche, but it’s also Clown’s way of toying with Gunslinger. Just clean it up a little:

“I’ve seen many men walk away from their better interests, but you strike me as smarter than that.”

Dakota confronts Clown with this dialogue:

Dakota was working with angels last issue, but here we learn she’s working for or with the Clown? But she’s also fighting the Clown? Also, the single quotes are unnecessary to the point of distracting. My suggestion:

“Do you want me to soften him up for you or not?”

More details emerge as Dakota and Clown fight. She says:

Again, look for opportunities to makes sentences more concise, especially during action:

“If you’re taking over, why’d you send me?”

Dakota leaves. Clown jokes (or not?) about recruiting Gunslinger in a plan to take over the world. Gunslinger says this:

A simple edit can make this line more intense:

“I’m losing my patience!”

Or:

“I’ve lost my patience!”

Clown swipes Gunslinger’s hat, which infuriates Gunslinger:

Avoid semicolons. Better to break those sentences into shorter, punchier ones:

“Excuse my pets. They’re not housetrained.”

Then we learn that Clown and Violator are now two characters, and not a transforming werewolf type:

This is a tricky one, because there’s a lot of information to get across. In addition to shortening it, I also rearranged sentences to showcase Clown’s sarcasm:

“Think I don’t have protection? Let me introduce my loyal companion, the Violator! We go way back.”

Gunslinger goes for his hat, and a fight breaks out. We’ll get that next time.

* * * *

Want more? Check out my new ongoing serial, THE SUBTERKNIGHTS, on Kindle Vella. A man searches for his missing sister in a sprawling city full of far-out tech and secret magic. It’s a sci-fi/fantasy hybrid full of action, romance, mystery, and laughs. The first three chapters are FREE! Click here for a list of all my books and serials.

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Fantastic Friday: Not so civil

Reading the Fantastic Four comics from the start. It’s time to talk about Civil War, the crossover mega-epic that tore the Marvel Universe to pieces (for a while, anyway). I’d always thought of Civil War as an Iron Man/Spider-Man/Captain America story. But upon re-reading, I see that it’s a lot of Fantastic Four content. Let’s dive in.

If you weren’t following comics in 2005-2006, you might not get why this story was such a big deal. Like Secret Wars II, this was an ambitious project intended to cross over with every Marvel comic and include every character, both famous and obscure. What’s more, the event made full use of internet fan culture. Marvel offered fans banners for their message board signatures (I miss message boards) with the “Whose side are you on?” tagline. Fans were tasked to pick sides just like the characters did, with specific “I’m with Iron Man” and “I’m with Cap” banners. This of course led to fan-made parody banners with “I’m with Homer Simpson,” etc. Every new issue of Civil War was hotly debated online, which only made the following issue anticipated even more.

I have a theory. One of the controversies of Civil War came from fans arguing that the Marvel heroes were acting out of character. They were siding with enemies and fighting their friends. Iron Man seemed villainous, Captain America rejected America, and, most famously, Spider-Man revealed his secret identity to the world. My theory is this: Civil War asks what would happen if the Marvel heroes acted out of character, and would do things that they’d never normally do? Civil War answers that question and follows it to its rather chaotic conclusion.

Civil War issue #1 begins with the New Warriors, who at this time were starring in their own reality TV show. A camera crew followed them everywhere during their superhero adventures. They’re in Stamford, Connecticut, tracking down supervillains Coldheart, Cobalt Man, Speedfreak, and Nitro. A fight breaks out, with a lot of gags about ratings and looking good in front of the camera. Namorita smashes Nitro into a nearby school bus. Nitro unleashes his nuclear powers, and a nearby elementary school goes up in a mushroom cloud.

Cut to later, when the New Avengers, the X-Men, and other Marvel heroes are at the site, helping with wreckage cleanup. There are skeletons all around, as well as a burned-up American flag, if you’re in the mood for some heavy symbolism. Iron Man says Nitro is still alive, and they have a lead on him, but Captain America is more concerned with helping FEMA on the recovery site. Cap says there are around 900 casualties, many of them children.

Giant Man, a.k.a. Bill Foster, says this event will change everything. He lists several other destructive events that recently happened, including the Las Vegas Hulk/Thing fight in Fantastic Four. “They’ll be coming after us,” he says. Then we get talk about the proposed Superhero Registration Act, which has already been brewing in several Marvel comics leading up to this. A woman spits at Tony Stark (!) during a Stamford memorial She blames him for superhero violence, since he publicly funds the Avengers. During all this, we get one-panel glimpses of news reports arguing about how dangerous superheroes are, and how something must be done.

Then the FF enter the picture. In New York, Johnny meets with his date, an unnamed hot blonde, at a cool nightclub. He’s confronted on the sidewalk outside by locals who accuse him of the same type of violence that went down in Connecticut. Johnny insists he had nothing to do with the New Warriors, but the growing crowd doesn’t believe him. He’s knocked unconscious when someone hits him on the head with a beer bottle. Then the crowd dogpiles, beating the crap out of him.

Later, at the new Baxter Building, a huge crowd of superheroes have gathered to discuss superhero registration. Dr. Strange spells out the conflict saying his only choices are either to register and become a federal employee or face a warrant for his arrest. Luke Cage argues it’s not about superheroes becoming civil servants, it’s really about the government wanting to shut them down.  Iron Man counter-argues that registration will make superheroes legitimate, better-trained and publicly accountable. No one can agree on a course of action, debating on whether hiding their identities behind masks is necessary or dangerous. The only thing everyone can agree on is that all their lives are about to change.

On board the S.H.I.E.L.D. Helicarrier, Commander Maria Hill asks Captain America whether his fellow superheroes will agree to registration. He says they’re split, and this will lead to the heroes at war with one another. Hill says she’s already preparing an anti-superhuman response unit, and she wants Captain America to lead it by hunting down and arresting any heroes who are anti-registration. Cap says that the superheroes need to stay above politics, and that Washington shouldn’t tell them who the villains are. Hill responds by surrounding Cap with a bunch of armored S.H.I.E.L.D. agents. After debating it a little more, Hill orders the agents to attack Cap out-fights them all (because of course he does). He smashes his way out of the Helicarrier and rides a fighter plane like a surfboard to escape.

Back at the Baxter Building, the heroes continue their debate. Then the Watcher appears, silently observing them all. Dr. Strange (not Reed) reminds everyone that the Watcher only appears in person during times of great crisis.

In Washington DC, there are crowds of protestors outside the White House (this happens a lot in Marvel Comics). Inside, the President chides his staff for letting Captain America go. Cap’s actions will make superhero registration even more controversial, and that every anti-registration hero will now rally behind him as their leader. Then we see that Iron Man, Yellowjacket, and our own Mr. Fantastic are there as well. Iron Man says, “Leave Captain America to us.”  

To be continued!

Unstable molecule: You’ll remember that a similar superhero registration debate occurred during Acts of Vengeance, and at that time Reed was strictly anti-reg. Why is he then pro-reg in Civil War? After Acts, Reed has seen several instances of super-powers going out of control:

  • When fighting Devos, Johnny lost control of his powerful nova flame, destroying part of Empire State University, a tragedy Johnny had to deal with for quite some time.
  • The FF battled Hyperstorm, a godlike being who turned out to be Reed’s grandson from the future. When everyone thought he was dead, Reed was in Hyperstorm’s post-apocalyptic future. It was a nightmare world brought about by super-powered being warring with one another.
  • Onslaught was another godlike being, born from a combination of mutants, including Reed’s son Franklin. The only way to stop Onslaught was for a bunch of nonmutant superheroes to sacrifice their lives. They were only saved thanks to Franklin’s subconscious machinations.
  • When Reed’s mind was trapped in Dr. Doom’s body, he had to pretend to be Dr. Doom. This was the only way to keep Doom’s four generals from invading the Earth with an alien army. Doom’s armor then affected Reed, making act more and more Doom-like.
  • The FF attempted to take over and run Latveria to undo all the evil things Dr. Doom had done. Reed acted in opposition to the US government and it didn’t end well, creating an international incident and making the FF fall on hard times.
  • During Marvel Knights: 4, Psycho-Man took over the Baxter Building for a crisis that got so extreme that it threatened to blot out the sun (!).
  • Similarly, Diablo held all of New York hostage while there was chaos in the streets as everyone’s dreams went haywire.
  • Reed worked with the government in Nevada, where astronauts wanted to recreate the FF’s original spaceflight and give themselves powers. Cosmic beings warned Reed to prevent this from happening.

Fade out: Sue seems pro-reg when she tells Spider-Man that life without a secret identity hasn’t been a problem for her. (It hasn’t?) She’ll change her tune shortly.

Clobberin’ time: Ben seems pro-reg during the debate, arguing that Johnny was injured because of street-level masks giving the FF a bad name. He too will quickly change his tune.

Flame on: How can one guy with a beer bottle manage to take out the Human Torch? Maybe he let the crowd get him for fear of not burning anyone.

Fantastic fifth wheel: She-Hulk is interviewed by Larry King (!), where she argues that without superheroes, no one will be able to stop supervillains. She then says she’s open to the idea of supes with badges and training. She’s also at the Baxter Building meeting, but she doesn’t say anything.

Trivia time: The New Warriors lineup is Night Thrasher, Speedball, Microbe, and Namorita. Speedball will not only survive, but become a major character in Civil War in his darker Penance persona. Night Thrasher returns when his soul is restored in a clone of himself. Microbe stayed dead, never appearing again after this. Same for Namorita, sadly. No mention is made of her and Johnny having dated mostly off-panel for several years.

Nitro’s fugitive status will be ongoing concern during Civil War, with questions whether he was powerful enough to explode like he did in Stamford. Coldheart survived the explosion through unknown means, and will later be seen inside a S.H.I.E.L.D. prison. Cobalt Man died and was seen a few times when characters visited the afterlife. He later came back to life for real in a Deadpool story. Speedfreak stayed dead, and this was his last appearance.

Yellowjacket and Spider-Woman are both prominent in this issue, but we’ll later learn they’re Skrulls in disguise, setting up the Secret Invasion crossover.  

Fantastic or frightful? Whew, this is a lot. It succeeds in building a lot of tension, and bringing so much of what’s happening in Marvel come together all at once. The Captain America fight is especially exciting. But all the debates about registration go on for a page or two too long, as writer Mark Millar bends over backwards to create controversy. Still, Civil War is one of the tallest mountains in Marvel continuity, and this issue sets the stage for it all. And away we go.

Next: Hitting the streets.

* * * *

Want more? Check out my new ongoing serial, THE SUBTERKNIGHTS, on Kindle Vella. A man searches for his missing sister in a sprawling city full of far-out tech and secret magic. It’s a sci-fi/fantasy hybrid full of action, romance, mystery, and laughs. The first three chapters are FREE! Click here for a list of all my books and serials.

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Gunslinger Spawn copyedited, part 8

Todd McFarlane is a mega-millionaire with success undreamt of. I’m just some guy. But as I’ve been buying and reading – and enjoying! – Gunslinger Spawn, I’m struck with how the dialogue and captions are something of a mess. Hence, here’s my attempt to copyedit Gunslinger Spawn.

Let’s finish issue #3 with some action! There’s one full page of fighting as Gunslinger battles Dakota’s henchmen. It’s nice restraint by McFarlane to let artist Brett Booth drive and not cover things up with needless captions. On the next page, Dakota’s dialogue could be improved with a little editing:

Break her first line into two sentences, then remove the unnecessary quotation marks:

“Put away your gun. Necro-bullets don’t work on me.”

In her second line, tightening up the sentence gives Dakota more menace:  

“Others better than you have tried.”

Her henchmen defeated, Dakota uses her dinosaurs to attack Gunslinger.

Is “With a wave” a cliché? You could make that argument. And shouldn’t “ten times their size” be bigger than we see? One possible rewrite:

“She gestures, and her prehistoric pets grow in size.”

Dakota’s line is odd, in that we the readers aren’t sure what her powers are. You could shorten it to, “My servants share my power.” Or, for a complete rewrite, call back to what she said earlier:

“Your bullets won’t work on my servants, either.”

None of Gunslinger’s attacks harm the dinosaurs.

Another too-wordy caption in the middle of the action. My edit:

“He’s fought demons hundreds of times, but these creatures are somehow different.”

The dinosaurs take a bite out of Gunslinger, so he uses dynamite against them.

Is the “Badly injured” phrase needed here? It’s debatable. “Last hidden” doesn’t work for me either. First because we’ve already seen that Gunslinger has hidden weapons on him. Second because it’s not his last. He uses more knives after this.

“He’s injured, but he’s got one more weapon to play.”

Then another too-descriptive caption:

Fewer words accentuate the action:

“Even that fails.”

The fight continues with an adverb-happy caption:

Google Stephen King and adverbs. He has a lot to say about never using adverbs. Also, “Out of his league” is a cliché.

“He can’t slow them down.”

Or:

They’re too strong, even for him.

Just when it seems like Gunslinger is finished, he’s saved (or is he?) by the Clown, a classic Spawn villain. This brings the series into the greater Spawn mythology, and it’s the cliffhanger that ends issue #3.

Come back next week, when the series goes full Spawn.

* * * *

Want more? Check out my new ongoing serial, THE SUBTERKNIGHTS, on Kindle Vella. A man searches for his missing sister in a sprawling city full of far-out tech and secret magic. It’s a sci-fi/fantasy hybrid full of action, romance, mystery, and laughs. The first three chapters are FREE! Click here for a list of all my books and serials.

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Fantastic Friday: It’s suppertime

Reading the Fantastic Four comics from the start. Civil War is about to tear the Marvel Universe to pieces, but we have one quick stop to make first, in the Fantastic Four Special one-shot by Dwayne McDuffie and Casey Jones.

We begin with a flashback to Reed and Dr. Doom in college, and how they were rival scientists from the start. Young Reed tries to talk young Doom out of his otherworldly experiments, but Doom refuses to listen. His experiment blows up, horribly scarring his face. Reed wonders if he’s the one to blame.

Cut to the present, and Reed is telling all this to Sue while she adjusts his bowtie for a tuxedo he’s wearing. He’s preparing for dinner with Dr. Doom (!), and he admits to Sue that his guilt isn’t about Doom’s accident, but a small thrill he got from knowing he was right and Doom was wrong. Sue urges Reed not to accept Doom’s dinner invitation, but Reed says, “We’re all responsible for what happens to everybody.”

Reed flies the Fantasticar to the Latverian Embassy, musing about how Dr. Doom is the most dangerous man on Earth. Doom greets him at the door and says Reed’s safety is guaranteed for this day. Today is the “Rapprochement Festival,” a holiday of Doom’s invention in honor of his mother’s memory. Part of this new tradition, Doom says, is to reach out to someone you have wronged, so Doom is reaching out to Reed. They shake hands. Doom again assured Reed that no harm will come to him this day, and they toast to rapprochement.

Doom gives Reed a tour of the embassy. Reed deduces that one doorway they go through is a teleporter, and they’re now in Castle Doom in Latveria. Before Doom can answer, we cut to Stark Tower, current home of the Avengers, where Johnny is visiting Spider-Man and Captain America. After some banter about Spidey being an Avenger now, Johnny admits that Reed thinks Doom is plotting to steal something, and there are very few places in NYC that Doom can’t access. One is Stark Tower. We then cut to the second spot, Damage Control headquarters, where Sue warns them that their high-security basement vault is another target.

Back in the castle, Doom says that a Latverian holiday should be celebrated in Latveria. He and Reed then continue an unfinished chess game they once started in college. They’re both such geniuses that they remember the layout of the board from years earlier.

At Stark Tower, the Avengers get an emergency call. Spidey and Cap run off, leaving Johnny to hold down the fort. Johnny makes a phone call and says, “It’s just about showtime.” At the castle, Reed asks why Doom doesn’t use his genius for the benefit of mankind, and Doom says he and Reed have differing opinions as to what that is.

At the new Baxter Building, Ben spots Dr. Doom trying to get into the building. Sue has a Doom of her own attacking Damage Control, while Johnny fights one at Stark Tower. Reed gets an alert about what’s happening, and he quips that Doom knows it doo. They continue their polite evening and sit down to dinner. In New York, the fighting continues, with the other FF-ers deducing that their Dr. Dooms are mere Doombots.

Reed and Doom continue their dinner. Reed admits that after Doom’s failed experiment in college, Reed saved a piece of Doom’s machine that was considered irreplaceable. He also says that Dr. Strange warned him that the anniversary of Doom’s mother’s death is magically significant. Reed gets a signal on his watch saying the Doombots have been destroyed. Reed then finishes – and wins! – the chess game. Reed asks if he and Doom are to fight to the death now. Doom says he’s lost his appetite and asks to continue this another time.

But Reed isn’t done. He admits that he kept the piece of Doom’s machine because he was afraid. Doom was opening a portal to Hell, and Reed feared this meant unleashing extradimensional powers on the Earth. Then Reed says he later deduced the piece’s real intent, that it was a lodestone whose only purpose is to locate Doom’s mother’s sole. Reed pulls the lodestone from his pocket and returns it to Doom, agreeing that this is a day of rapprochement. Doom accepts the gift, but he says, “This changes nothing between us, Richards!” Reed says, “I think it does, just a little bit,” followed by, “Same time next year?”

Unstable molecule: Among all the politeness between Reed and Doom, Reed also praises Doom’s taste in art and classical music. This shows yet another aspect of Reed’s genius, that he knows all about this stuff.

Fade out: Sue deduces that her Doom is a Doombot and not the real thing after she tries to disorient it by turning the floor underneath it invisible.

Clobberin’ time: Ben is working out when the Doombot attacks. He says his weights are made of super-heavy osmium, and that his strength isn’t all genetic, but that he must work out to keep his strength up.

Flame on: Spider-Man asks Johnny whatever became of Dorrie Evans, and Johnny doesn’t answer. Those who read Marvels Snapshot: Fantastic Four know all about Dorrie.

Trivia time: Spider-Man’s wearing his classic uniform in this, instead of his new red and yellow Iron Spider armor. He was going back and forth between the two at this time.

It’s not mentioned in this issue, but remember that Dr. Doom succeeded in freeing his mother’s soul from Hell in Doctor Strange and Dr. Doom: Triumph and Torment.

How did the lodestone survive after all these years, including the destruction of the original Baxter Building. Remember that the Watcher saved a bunch of the FF’s personal items from the explosion, so we can conclude that the lodestone was one of them.

Fantastic or frightful? Dwayne McDuffie was one of the all-time great writers, and this is a nice little self-contained story. Its placement in chronology is curious, as the rest of Marvel Comics were overflowing with hype over Civil War at the time. Still, it’s a nice slice-of-life tale, or as slice-of-life as Fantastic Four gets.

Next: Not so civil.

* * * *

Want more? Check out my new ongoing serial, THE SUBTERKNIGHTS, on Kindle Vella. A man searches for his missing sister in a sprawling city full of far-out tech and secret magic. It’s a sci-fi/fantasy hybrid full of action, romance, mystery, and laughs. The first three chapters are FREE! Click here for a list of all my books and serials.

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Gunslinger Spawn copyedited, part 7

Todd McFarlane is a mega-millionaire with success undreamt of. I’m just some guy. But as I’ve been buying and reading – and enjoying! – Gunslinger Spawn, I’m struck with how the dialogue and captions are something of a mess. Hence, here’s my attempt to copyedit Gunslinger Spawn.

Continuing issue #3, Gunslinger and Taylor dig up a hidden stash Gunslinger buried back in the Old West.

First, remove the “So,” from Taylor’s dialogue, as it isn’t needed. Then, simplify and rearrange some of Gunslinger’s lines for efficiency:

“Not just guns. I got two dozen of these hidden treasures. Always knew the enemy was coming. Had to be prepared.”

The characters next contemplate Taylor’s future:

“Come to your senses” is a cliché, but I kept it in this case, because we need some kind of explanation for why Taylor hasn’t run off yet. Just a short edit then:

“You come to your senses about finding a place to hide?”

In the second panel, it’s confusing when Gunslinger says “they” because it seems he’s talking about Taylor’s family at first. I’ve also deleted what look to me like redundancies. My edit:

“It can’t be near your kin. The enemy will look there first. Your dad and his family’s been a part of their scheming for centuries.”

Gunslinger gives Taylor some gold from his stash, and now it’s time to say goodbye:

The caption could be shorter, as we’ve seen Gunslinger’s seriousness all issue long:

“The two men finalize their plan.”

We learn Gunslinger’s real name.

This dialogue must be shorter, to give this moment some real emotional punch.

“If it matters, call me Javi.”

Next, I suggest splitting Taylor’s next word balloon into two smaller ones, to further that emotional punch. “How you’re going do,” is strange phrasing. My suggestion:

“I guess this is it, Javi.”

“How are you going to get by if you can’t read or write?”

Gunslinger says he’ll be fine, and they part ways. Unless I missed something, I believe this is the last time we see Taylor in the vol. 1 trade. Except we can’t be done with the character, right? Because the angels had his picture?

Next there’s a sequence of events where Gunslinger sleeps in “the prairies” (where is this?) and then rides his bike to a field where he waits an entire day for his enemies to arrive. Why not skip a step and have him leave Taylor, drive to the field, and then wait? The idea is to build suspense by showing a passage of time, but even that can be done more efficiently.

Speaking of efficiency, here’s my suggestion for this panel:

“He’s met enemies on this field before.”

Is the “isolated from prying eyes” detail needed, or does the artwork convey that? It’s debatable.

Next:

Just a small edit:

“A day passes before he sees their dust trail.”

I recommend cutting the second caption, as the “dust trail” line says it all.

Dakota and her goons confront Gunslinger.

Remove the caption, as Dakota’s body language already gets that across. Separate Dakota’s big word balloon into two for the two panels. Dakota’s “straight to the point” line is a cliché. The word “very” can almost always be cut. My suggestions:

“We’re making plans, and you could be useful.”

Then:

“Problem is, I’ve seen plenty of ‘heroes’ that didn’t live up to their hype. You the real deal?”

The “real deal” line could be a cliché, but I kept it to go with the comic’s Western vibe.

 This is Gunslinger’s response:

The “doesn’t utter a syllable” line is awkward. My edit:

“Gunslinger holsters his weapons.”

Dakota’s “strong silent type” line is a cliché. I’m thinking we can delete her line from this panel and let Gunslinger’s actions build suspense by themselves. It works, because he’s about to fistfight the goons when we turn the page. But we’ll get to that… next time.

* * * *

Want more? Check out my new ongoing serial, THE SUBTERKNIGHTS, on Kindle Vella. A man searches for his missing sister in a sprawling city full of far-out tech and secret magic. It’s a sci-fi/fantasy hybrid full of action, romance, mystery, and laughs. The first three chapters are FREE! Click here for a list of all my books and serials.

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Fantastic Friday: Hammer and eggs

Reading the Fantastic Four comics from the start. Issue #537 brings us one step closer to Marvel’s Civil War mega-event.

Recap: Thor died heroically in the big Ragnarok story that ended his comic. Now, his hammer has come crashing down to Earth (Oklahoma, to be exact). The Army set up a dome around the hammer, only for a small army of Doombots to attack it. The Fantastic Four arrived on scene to battle the Doombots, only to find a back-from-the-dead Dr. Doom also at the scene.

This issue begins with a caption telling us that no one has tried to lift the hammer yet. Then Reed speaks on behalf of the audience, asking how Doom is still alive. We flash back to Doom in Hell, where we last saw him. We see him weakened, yet still strong enough to fight off all the demons intent on tearing him apart. Then he has a vision of Ragnarok and the Asgardians dying. The battle is so great, Doom says, that rends the fabric of reality itself, causing a tear in Hell’s dimensional plane. He sees the hammer fly through the tear and he follows it back to Earth.

The flashback continues in Latveria, where the acting prime minister of the provisional government speculates that Doom will never return, and that he could make good use of all the leftover Doombots. Doom then returns, strangling the prime minister. He orders the other government goons to find where Thor’s hammer landed.

Cut back to the present. Instead of telling all this to Reed, Doom merely says, “It matters not.” He has the Doombots attack the FF while he strides toward the hammer, which is at the center of the crater left behind from last issue’s big explosion. Reed picks up Ben and throws him into the crater with orders to stop. Ben fights Doom, temporarily switching his catch phrase to, “It’s hammer time!”

Doom stops Ben by blinding him with a bright light. Doom reaches for the hammer, and an even more spectacular white light fills the entire sky. When it fades, we see that Doom has failed to lift the hammer. Doom says he felt the power of Asgard when he witnessed Ragnarok, and he thought that would be enough to give him control of the hammer. “I was wrong,” he says.

Doom summons a jet and flies off, telling the FF to let the hammer serve as Thor’s gravestone. Once he’s gone, Reed speculates that if Doom did have a piece of Asgard’s power in him, maybe that somehow woke up the hammer for a minute. He further speculates that the giant blast might have been a signal to someone, but he can’t say who. Then Ben tries and fails to lift the hammer. “Wouldn’t you give it a shot?” he says. “Just in case?”

Then we go to elsewhere in Oklahoma, where the hammer’s blast has knocked out the power. A man buys a ticket at a bus station. A news report says this was one of many incidents throughout the state, concluding that, “Something major is coming to Oklahoma.”

To be continued!

Unstable molecule: Reed throwing Ben through the air seems to be a variation of all the times he’s stretched into a slingshot to do it. He wraps himself around Ben and then flings Ben a huge distance.

Fade out: Sue’s job is to keep the Doombots at bay while Ben and Reed deal with Dr. Doom. We never see what becomes of the Doombots, so I guess she succeeded.

Clobberin’ time: This isn’t the first time an enemy has slowed Ben down by blinding him. In The Thing #17 he spent an entire issue sightless after getting blasted in the eyes by a villain called the Reckoner. But this took place on Battleworld, meaning the Reckoner was therefore only one part of Ben’s fractured subconscious.

Flame on: Johnny says he’s too weak to pursue Doom’s jet because the blast from the hammer was so powerful it weakened his flame.

Trivia time: This issue and #536 were featured in a Road to Civil War trade paperback. The trade also featured the New Avengers: Illuminati one-shot in which the Illuminati launch the Hulk into space and then disband (or do they?) after debating superhero registration. The other issues in the trade are Amazing Spider-Man #529-530, in which Tony Stark hired Peter Parker as his assistant full-time, which Peter half-jokingly calls “a blood pact.” This was the first appearance of the red and gold Iron Spider armor, and Tony and Peter’s visit to Washington DC to argue in favor of superhero registration.

Yes, the man buying the bus ticket will turn out to be someone important. We’ll follow his story in issues to come, just as we’ll continue to follow the situation in Oklahoma.

Dr. Doom is back in his classic armor in this issue. What happened to his newfangled magic armor, that was grossly made from the remains of lost love Valeria? He states that it’s damaged, but he does show up in Latveria still wearing it. Therefore, he likely still has it in a closet somewhere.

Not long before this issue, Castle Doom was destroyed in the 2005 Secret Wars miniseries. The Marvel Wiki confirms that the one in this issue is a newly rebuilt Castle Doom.

Fantastic or frightful? This issue does a better job of justifying Doom’s return than the previous one. But really, both Dr. Doom and Thor’s hammer in this storyline are all about setting things up for the near future. I suppose that’s what the “Road to Civil War” branding was about, but it feels anticlimactic for Doom to fail to lift the hammer and then just leave.

Next: Just another family get together.

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Want more? Check out my new ongoing serial, THE SUBTERKNIGHTS, on Kindle Vella. A man searches for his missing sister in a sprawling city full of far-out tech and secret magic. It’s a sci-fi/fantasy hybrid full of action, romance, mystery, and laughs. The first three chapters are FREE! Click here for a list of all my books and serials.

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Gunslinger Spawn copyedited, part 6

Todd McFarlane is a mega-millionaire with success undreamt of. I’m just some guy. But as I’ve been buying and reading – and enjoying! – Gunslinger Spawn, I’m struck with how the dialogue and captions are something of a mess. Hence, here’s my attempt to copyedit Gunslinger Spawn.

In issue #3, after the opening scene with the villains, we catch up with Gunslinger and Taylor. It’s the next morning, and they’re still at Taylor’s house.

Taylor’s dialogue could use a little tightening up. Omit needless words and rearrange the last two sentences for better flow:

“You expect me to pack up and leave because you said so? My dad’s dead and you still haven’t told me why. What was all that crazy s*** last night?”

While Gunslinger has been the most well-written character so far, his next dialogue balloon is a real mouthful:

I’m not sure about the “brain-dead” line, because Gunslinger himself has hung out in Taylor’s house all night, playing with the indoor plumbing. Why does Gunslinger have a sense of urgency now, when he didn’t the night before? Issue #2 stated that Gunslinger and Taylor were up all night talking, so let’s conclude that this is the tail end of a long conversation with Gunslinger trying to convince Taylor to leave. That might also explain why they were friendly at the end of the last issue and antagonistic toward each other now. My edit:

“Your dad and them angels wanted to kill you. The ones that sent them angels will send more to hunt you down!”

I changed “us” to “you” in the final sentence to add a sense of danger for Taylor.

If Todd McFarlane were here (and not punching me in face for writing these blogs), I’d suggest an additional line for Gunslinger. Something like, “We’ve got to move, now!” or “We can’t sit around any longer!” for consistency and to maintain a sense of urgency.

Taylor’s next line features some awkward wording:

The phrase “someone that was scared of things” doesn’t sound natural. I gave it a rewrite:

“That’s strange. I didn’t figure you for someone easily frightened.”

You could also delete “That’s strange” as unnecessary, but I kept it to give Taylor some sarcastic edge.

Next, Gunslinger’s had enough.

Other than deleting the word “just” from the second word balloon, I don’t have many suggestions here. But, I wonder why these guys are being so antagonistic with each other. I thought they were friends. Is Gunslinger Taylor’s protector or not? Does he truly not care about Taylor’s fate?

The banter continues:

Edits here for efficiency:

“I need a few things first… a map and provisions. Here’s a bag. Pack it or not.”

The next captions depict Gunslinger as being single-minded in his drive:

Keep it short and to the point:

“Disinterested in Taylor’s opinions, Gunslinger’s more concerned about hunting every enemy from his past. He’s going to kill them either here and now, or back home in 1864.”

Our heroes return to the gas station from issue #1. They grab some junk food, and then there’s this panel, where Gunslinger finally gets his map:

This could be simplified:

“Gunslinger studies the map, looking for familiar places from his past.”

Is the “Ding” sound effect enough for the reader to know the silence is broken? Make it larger, perhaps?

Taylor’s line in this panel is full of redundancies:

My edit:

“The microwave… my burrito is done.”

Many will add “um” or “uh” to dialogue in the hopes of creating realism, but in truth these tics are never needed. They end up being distracting. I kept the ellipses to show Taylor is startled by Gunslinger.

Gunslinger removes his mask, and we see his face.

We can delete the first caption, as the art shows us the classic Spawn living mask thing. From there, again we tighten sentences for efficiency:

“For the first time, Taylor sees the man is Hispanic. The only thing on Gunslinger’s mind is, ‘How can something be this hot without fire?’”

There’s a joke about Gunslinger not knowing what sunglasses are. Then Taylor gives him more instructions.

I rearranged parts of this for better clarity:

“I’ll show you how to use binoculars and the cigarette lighter. You can figure out the rope and shovel.”

There’s a two-panel scene where our heroes find the first spot on the map:

Never EVER use the word “literally,” not even in a comedic or satiric context. Other than that, I question why this scene is even here. The next page is Gunslinger digging up another of his buried stashes, so why not cut straight to that instead? If the intent is to show Gunslinger befuddled about present-day life, then this scene is redundant after doing that for the last few pages. Perhaps Gunslinger will return to this locale in a future storyline. If not, these two panels could be cut and the page reworked.

Come back next week for more of issue #3, including a farewell (or is it?) and some action.

* * * *

Want more? Check out my new ongoing serial, THE SUBTERKNIGHTS, on Kindle Vella. A man searches for his missing sister in a sprawling city full of far-out tech and secret magic. It’s a sci-fi/fantasy hybrid full of action, romance, mystery, and laughs. The first three chapters are FREE! Click here for a list of all my books and serials.

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Fantastic Friday: Oh what a beautiful Doombot

Reading the Fantastic Four comics from the start. It had to happen eventually – we’ve reached Civil War, the mega-event that tore the Marvel Universe apart. Although issue #536 is merely labeled “The Road to Civil War,” it’s here all right.

We begin in space, with a tiny object flying toward Earth. Even though it doesn’t burn up in the atmosphere, astronomers assume it’s too small to do any damage. The object passes by an airplane, and then lands with a massive explosion in a field in Oklahoma.

Cut to six months later. It’s the middle of the night at the new Baxter Building. Reed is staying up late watching the news. Sue asks him “How did it go?” and Reed is hesitant to answer. Then there’s a flashback to Reed meeting with the Illuminati, the top-secret group of influential super-geniuses hoping to make a real difference beyond just fighting crime. In this issue, the group is Iron Man, Reed, Dr. Strange, Namor, and Black Bolt. Iron Man shows the group an early draft of a bill about to hit Congress – the Superhero Registration Act.

Iron Man explains the bill. Anyone with superpowers, any mutant, and anyone deemed a masked crimefighter must register with the government, after which they’ll be given jobs putting their powers to use for S.H.I.E.L.D. Further, the government has special plans to hunt down and detain anyone not registered. Dr. Strange says, “That’s disgusting,” but Iron Man says the Illuminati members should come out in favor of the bill. “We should cooperate now, before it gets ugly,” he says.

Back in the present, Reed and Sue watch the news, where Tony Stark and his new assistant Peter Parker arrive in Washington DC. Tony tells reporters that he’s only there discuss options with the committee on superhero registration. Sue doubts whether superhero registration will actually happen, speculating that it’s just election-year posturing. Reed responds, “It’s not that simple.”

Reed then gets an emergency message from General William Ray, saying there is an emergency in Oklahoma. While Reed rousts his teammates out of bed, soldiers in Oklahoma are under attack. They’ve set up a dome around the object from the start of the issue, and now someone has opened fire to get at it. Turns out the attackers are Doombots!

The FF arrive on the scene, speculating whether the Latverian provisional government is behind the attack. Reed says that if they’re using Doombots, they must be desperate to get whatever’s in the dome. The FF jump into action, and artist Mike McKone gives us this terrific two-page spread of Ben duking it out with a Doombot.

There’s several pages of fighting and banter, as all the Doombots act just like they’re the real Dr. Doom, and the FF not having it. Reed notices that the Doombots are only attacking the perimeter of the dome, spreading the soldiers out around its edge. The soldiers tell Reed that the first wave of the attack knocked out all their radar and imaging. Reed deduces almost too late that a missile has been launched at the dome.

The FF evacuate all the soldiers while Sue does her best to contain the missile’s blast. It leaves a crater in the space where the dome just was. Then the real Dr. Doom emerges, somehow back to life again. He says the object in the crater cannot be moved, and yet it is destined to belong to him. Turn the page and the mysterious object is… the hammer of Thor!

To be continued!

Unstable molecule: Why does the Reed/Sue conversation have to take place at 4 a.m.? He’s wearing his lab coat, suggesting that he was working late in the lab, but then he’s quick to admit to Sue that he was at an Illuminati meeting.

Fade out: Sue makes a joke about Reed going “bowling with the boys.” I assume this is her code word for Reed’s Illuminati gathering.

Clobberin’ time: We get a glimpse of Ben’s bedroom in the new Baxter Building, which is sparsely decorated except for some books scattered around. What happened to his ritzy new apartment from the recent Thing miniseries?

Flame on: Ben shouts “Flame off!” at Johnny during the fight, so Johnny won’t burn out his flame. Johnny scoffs at him, saying it won’t work.

Fantastic fifth wheel: This issue’s letters page has results of a reader poll asking for favorite FF alternate member. We don’t see the numbers, but the editor states She-Hulk is the winner, with Crystal and Luke Cage as the runners-up.

Trivia time: Dr. Doom hasn’t been seen since issue #507, when he dragged into Hell itself.

Where’s Thor at? He’s dead, as far as anyone knows in the Marvel Universe at this time. In Thor #85, we had the epic Ragnarok storyline, also part of Avengers: Disassembled, which saw the downfall of both Asgard and Yggrasil. This kicked off several years when there was no Thor in Marvel Comics (but if you know what’s coming in Civil War, you know there’s a bit of a loophole to that).

What’s the deal with the writing on Thor’s hammer? That’s been there ever since his first appearance, but seen since then only on rare occasions. The official explanation is that the writing is always there, but hard to see unless you look closely.  

According to the Marvel Wiki, the Illuminati has been operating since just after the first Kree-Skrull War, which was in the 70s in our time. In addition to a lot of Kree/Skrull action, the Illuminati were secretly involved in Infinity Gauntlet with Thanos and his gems, and they revealed the real origin of the Beyonder. And yes, they were the ones who really launched the Hulk into space. They’ll continue to be major players in upcoming crossovers Planet Hulk, Secret Invasion, Dark Reign and beyond.

Fantastic or frightful? After everything that went down in the Latveria incident, it’s a letdown for Dr. Doom not just be alive again, but to have him walking up to Reed in the middle of Oklahoma and them having a polite conversation. Fortunately, the big fight was filled with great classic FF-isms. The issue promises big things to come, even without the editorially mandated Civil War tie-in stuff.

Next: Hammer don’t hurt ‘em.

* * * *

Want more? Check out my new ongoing serial, THE SUBTERKNIGHTS, on Kindle Vella. A man searches for his missing sister in a sprawling city full of far-out tech and secret magic. It’s a sci-fi/fantasy hybrid full of action, romance, mystery, and laughs. The first three chapters are FREE! Click here for a list of all my books and serials.

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Gunslinger Spawn copyedited, part 5

Todd McFarlane is a mega-millionaire with success undreamt of. I’m just some guy. But as I’ve been buying and reading – and enjoying! – Gunslinger Spawn, I’m struck with how the dialogue and captions are something of a mess. Hence, here’s my attempt to copyedit Gunslinger Spawn.

Issue #3 begins back with the villainous angels in their hideout, an old dinosaur museum. The leader Theon speaks, and it’s understood he’s talking to the same group from issue #1.

All I’ve done here is tighten things up a little. I’ve removed the word “obviously,” which is best avoided unless you’re using it in a humorous context. My edit:

“We hoped to get to gunslinger before Cogliostro. That didn’t happen.”

Then another wordy piece of dialogue:

I shortened this and kept it present tense. The phrase “direct presence” is awkward, and the same point can be made without that entire sentence. My edit:

“We’re shifting plans. Instead, you’re assigned to oversee the whereabouts of the other Hellspawn that came through the void the same time as the Gunslinger.”

A lot to go over in the next panel:

The next word balloon could be:

“We must know if they have made contact with each other.”

Shorter and to the point again. Also, “it is imperative” could be considered a cliché, especially with a villain saying it.

Then the final two word balloons. Naming the other Spawn characters and then saying it’s not them but “others” they’re going after? It’s confusing. I know McFarlane is building an interconnected narrative with all the Spawn spinoffs, but it’s best to focus on Gunslinger in his own series. My suggestion:

“We’re focused strictly on those spawns who came through the void with Gunslinger. Your job is to report on their activities. Gunslinger is ours.”

Turn the page and the villain Dakota is sitting at the table with all the angels. Rival angel Cyrus doesn’t like it.

“Out of your mind” could be considered a cliché. My suggestion:

“We didn’t come here to sidelined, Theus! Not by you, and especially not by her!”

He continues:

This is a bunch of sentence fragments connected with commas. It’s another case of “writing for the actor,” by showing the reader where the writer wants pauses. You can instead trust the reader to get it on their own. My edit:

“Cogliostro screwed things up. We get that. We’ll deal with him… and Gunslinger.”

Dakota takes the stage:

It’s not hard to get the same point across with more efficiency:

“That’s not going to change no matter how much you beat your chest and tell us how wonderful you are, Cyrus. Your group had your chance and you blew it.”

The dialogue continues:

In the top word bubble, Dakota’s retort to Cyrus is confusing. Who’s “we” in this sense? Who is the “current boss?” Until we know more about this group dynamic, I’m thinking we can delete Dakota’s line entirely and just have Theon’s response:

“Do yourself a favor, Cyrus. Stay out of our way, just for a while, and you’ll be rewarded.”

“Do yourself a favor” could be a cliché, but I kept it in this case because it shows Theon is playing the good cop.  

On the next page is Theon’s sarcastic remark:

Go ahead and shorten that to:

“That went well.”

One final piece of exposition from Theon:  

It’s simple enough to clean up these sentences. Plus, what’s on the photo is the weakness, not the photo itself.

“I’ll let that comment go. We must exploit any weakness the Gunslinger might have. What’s on that photo could be one. He’s from the Bartlett bloodline.”

The last sentence could be just, “He’s a Bartlett.” But I kept it the way Todd wrote it for some extra drama at the end of the scene. The final panel is wordless, revealing that it’s a photo of Taylor.

It’s fun to see the villains interact and get to know them a little more. Come back next week for more of issue #3!

* * * *

Want more? Check out my new ongoing serial, THE SUBTERKNIGHTS, on Kindle Vella. A man searches for his missing sister in a sprawling city full of far-out tech and secret magic. It’s a sci-fi/fantasy hybrid full of action, romance, mystery, and laughs. The first three chapters are FREE! Click here for a list of all my books and serials.

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