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Reading the Fantastic Four comics from the start. In issue #312, the team’s newest member continues to have a tough time with things. This is also part of a crossover that’s not much of crossover that we’re barely crossing over with anyway.

The Fall of the Mutants was an epic X-Men crossover, in which the X-characters didn’t actually cross over with one another. (If I were more cynical, I might almost think that Marvel slapped a crossover logo on covers of a bunch of otherwise unrelated comics to sell more copies. Marvel wouldn’t do that, would they?) In Uncanny X-Men, the X-Men died fighting demons (there are more demons in X-Men lore than you’d think). Except they didn’t really die, and instead got a top-secret new headquarters in Australia. In New Mutants, there was a lot of sitcom-type humor as the teen heroes helped the alien-like Bird Brain explore life on Earth. The real action took place in X-Factor, where the reunited original five X-Men had their first-ever battle against Apocalypse (his first appearance) and then dropped the they’re-pretending-to-be-evil-mutant-hunters-to-secretly-rescue-mutants storyline. After saving New York from Apocalypse, the city gave X-Factor an old-timey ticker tape parade! Along the way, Incredible Hulk, Power Pack, Captain America, Daredevil, and, yes, Fantastic Four had tangential tie-in issues. All you really need to know for this FF issue is that X-Factor is getting a parade, and you’re good.

We begin in Wakanda, where Johnny and Crystal are reunited with Ben and Sharon, learning for the first time that Sharon has been transformed into a Thing. Sharon’s still not taking it well, exclaiming that if Reed could never cure Ben, then there’ll never be a cure for her. Our heroes also catch up with Dr. Doom, who is staying in Wakanda in political asylum after he was overthrown as king of Latveria by Kristoff. The FF don’t like Doom hanging around, but Black Panther assures them that while monarchs share a certain bond, the Panther’s bond with the FF and the Avengers is even stronger.

The Panther and the FF return to New York, and Dr. Doom tags along, claiming to have unrelated business in NYC. Then we check in with Kristoff. Remember that he’s the little kid who’s been brainwashed to think he’s Dr. Doom, and wears an adult-sized suit of armor to fool everyone into thinking he’s Doom. A servant reports that “the imposter” a.k.a. the real Dr. Doom, is on the way to New York.

Our heroes, with Doom still in tow, arrive in New York and attend the X-Factor parade. They just barely are able to remark how the mutants have been accepted as heroes now, when the parade is attacked by soldiers on flying platforms. These are Latverian Stormtroopers, there to destroy Doom on Kristoff’s orders.

The FF, X-Factor, Black Panther, and Dr. Doom all work together to fight the Stormtroopers. During the battle, Sharon hides off to the side, freaking out about how she’s a monster now. The Beast hides out alongside her. His current subplot in X-Factor is how he loses more and more of his intelligence every time he uses his powers, so he too is afraid to fight.

The Stormtroopers retreat, and Doom reveals why he came to New York: He wants to recruit X-Factor to help him reclaim the Latverian throne. X-Factor turns him down immediately (what on Earth made Doom think they’d want to join him?), so Doom retaliates by trapping Sharon and  Beast in an energy field shaped like a big fist (comics!). Doom escapes into the sewers, and the heroes pursue him.

Doom makes his way to a hidden elevator deep underground, which takes him straight to Reed’s sealed up laboratory inside the FF’s headquarters. Doom says he knows the way there because he has hidden cameras everywhere in New York. The heroes pursue, with Black Panther tracking Doom’s path through the sewer, and the mutants clearing debris out of his way.

In Reed’s lab, Doom traps Sharon and Beast inside a “static cage.” Sharon says she doesn’t know how to fight back against Doom. Beast tells her to snap out of it, saying that unlike him, she has both her strength and her mind. Sharon uses her newfound Thing strength to break out of the cage. Doom fights her using a “nega-neutrino displacement diaphragm,” which looks like a big gun. Beast joins the fight, acting animalistic as he uses his powers. The rest of the heroes arrive, and Ben subdues the out-of-control Beast.

Still in the fight, Doom grabs Crystal by the neck, saying it’s her life in exchange for his freedom. Black Panther says Doom may leave the building under his protection, but after this they’re enemies again. Doom departs, and Ben and Sharon have a heart-to-heart. She says that even though her body is horribly mutated, she still has her mind, and her honor. Sharon promises “No more moaning!” (We’ll see about that.) Then she says it’s time to get on with being the Fantastic Four.

Clobberin’ time: In his thoughts, Ben admits feeling the same way about himself that Sharon feels about herself, but that he can’t say it out loud because he’s expected to be the team leader now.

Flame on: Although he’s present throughout the issue, Johnny does very little in this one. He admits he’s learned that not all mutants are bad people.

Fantastic fifth wheel: This debuts Sharon’s new FF uniform, the dark-blue-and-white style, featuring both a “4” and an “M” logo.

Crystal says she didn’t join X-Factor in the fight against Apocalypse, because she felt the mutants had it under control. This kind of makes her look like a jerk, but it’s consistent with her family the Inhumans, as their only desire has been to be left alone.

Here we have Dr. Doom fighting alongside the FF, but his status as an alternate member of the team isn’t mentioned, so I don’t think we can count this one.

Commercial break: This is an ad for The Pitt, the first big crossover for Marvel’s New Universe line. It was at this point that the New U stopped attempting highly realistic superhero comics, and instead became a kinda/sorta post-apocalypse-but-with-superheroes thing:

Trivia time: The Beast started losing his intelligence after a fight with Pestilence, one of Apocalypse’s “four horsemen.” He got smart again much later, after mutating back into his blue-and-furry form.

Fantastic or frightful? What a mess. In the last issue, Sharon cried all issue then said she’s okay. Then in this issue, she cries all issue and says she’s okay at the end. It should be great to have a female superhero with a non-supermodel body type, but Sharon keeps crying about her body, which makes these comics all depressing and uncomfortable. It’s yet another example of “good idea, poor execution” that mars this era of the comic. Also, you’d be right in thinking the X-Factor appearance is little more than an extended cameo. None of this was even mentioned in their own series.

Next week: Way down in the underground.

****

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Reading the Fantastic Four comics from the start. In issue #311, two of our heroes have just gone through a shocking transformation and, if you’ll pardon the expression, it won’t be pretty.

To recap: Ben and Sharon Ventura (the second Ms. Marvel) were exposed to cosmic rays during a space battle. He got transformed from a rocky form into a stronger spikey form, and she got transformed into a female Thing. At this point, the reader is thinking “How are they going to play this?” Then the first page is Sharon yelling “I want to die!” as she jumps off a cliff, and the reader thinks, “Ohh, that’s how they’re going to play this.” After crash-landing their spaceship in a jungle, Sharon spends the first few pages of this issue attempting suicide, only for it not to work because of her new super-strong form. It’s really, really disturbing. Ben tries to console her, saying he’s been through what she’s going through, but she says it’s different because he’s a man and she’s a woman. Along the way, Ben also comments on how much stronger he’s become, and there’s a short flashback retelling of the Fantastic Four’s origin story from Ben’s point of view.

In New York, Crystal is visited by Norman, the man she slept with in the Vision and Scarlet Witch miniseries. She tells him that she and Quicksilver are no longer married, so she and Norman can be a couple now. He rejects her, fearing that she’s back in a relationship with Johnny now. (He drove all the way from Jersey to tell her that?) In the Middle Eastern nation of Aqiria, Johnny investigates Ben and Sharon’s disappearance. The king and the U.S. ambassador, who were secretly working alongside the villain Fasaud, tell Johnny they have no idea where Ben and Sharon are.

Back in the jungle, Sharon has retreated into silence, while Ben tries to cheer her up. They’re abruptly attacked by a big red robot. The robot gets stronger the harder Ben hits it, and Sharon sees this as way to end her life, as the robot could get strong enough to kill her. Ben won’t have that, and gets between her and the robot. He hits it harder and harder, until it starts to leak energy.

The Black Panther leaps out of the jungle, revealing that this is Wakanda. He helps dissipate the robot’s energy. He explains that the robot is a Throb, which stands for “Trans-Human Robot.” With the Panther’s help, Ben contacts Crystal and catches her up to speed. Then, the Panther reveals that Wakanda has another high-profile visitor… Dr. Doom! Doom, who is coincidentally just standing there in the jungle, explains that he built the Throb in exchange for Black Panther’s help, so Doom can eventually take the Latverian throne back from Kristoff. Ben asks why the Black Panther would go along with this, and the Panther says, “Monarchs do share a special bond.”

Doom approaches Sharon, offering to cure her in exchange for her leaving the FF and joining him. She refuses, taking a swing at Doom. She says she made a promise to earn the honor of being a member of the FF, and despite what’s happened, she means to keep that promise. Ben thinks that maybe this means Sharon will be okay after all.

Clobberin’ time: Ben remarks that he’s as strong as the Hulk now, which I guess we’re to take as being official, even though this was not tested in the lab or anything.

Flame on: We’re told that Johnny made a “transatlantic flight” from New York to Aqiria, but we’re not told if it was using his powers or a Fantasticar or what.

Fantastic fifth wheel: Although fans often refer to this version of Sharon as “She-Thing,” this issue makes it a point to say her codename will still be Ms. Marvel. We’ll see whether that changes. This is the final appearance of Crystal’s fling Norman.

Commercial break: Captain Power! I never got a chance to see the TV/toys combo in action, but I’m guessing they didn’t work as well as did in the ads.

Trivia time: Roberta, the FF’s robot receptionist, makes a return in this issue, during the scene between Crystal and Norman. Roberta mentions that Reed rebuilt her after the original Baxter Building blew up. This kind of makes it seem like she remembers getting blown up, which is strange.

The Throb never appeared again, probably because the “leaking deadly energy” thing was a serious design flaw. Also probably because its name is “the Throb.”

Fantastic or frightful? This is some dreary, dismal reading. I get that the creators are trying real hard to be shocking and extreme, but it’s not there on the page. I fear that “interesting idea, poor execution” is going to be the ongoing theme for the rest of this run.

Next week: When mutants fall.

****

Want more? Check out my book, CINE HIGH, now available for the Kindle and the free Kindle app.

Reading the Fantastic Four comics from the start. We’ve only just established a new FF team for a few issues, and the creators are already shaking things up again in issue #310, with more big changes for our heroes.

We begin in the middle of the action where Ben and Sharon (Ms. Marvel) have been taken captive via electrified chains by Fasaud, an evil Arab sheik with television-based superpowers (sigh…) in the country of Aqiria. Aqiria’s king and the US ambassador are also in on Fasaud’s plot, which involves a spaceship. The ambassador monologues the evil plan, which has to do with using the spaceship to secretly deliver military payloads into space (or something). Further, they have Ben and Sharon chained to platform directly beneath the rocket, where they will burn up upon launch. The bad guys then do the Bond villain thing, leaving Ben and Sharon alone in their death trap. Ben struggles against the chains, breaking them with a declaration of “I’m the Thing!” Sharon tries the same, but she’s not as strong as Ben. “There’s only one o’ me,” Ben says, foreshadowingly.

Ben frees Sharon and the two of them fight their way through Aqiria’s defenses, including a guy in a huge mech suit. While fighting, Sharon goes on about how much she hates men (she was once sexually abused by men and now has serious PTSD) and how she doesn’t even want Ben touching her.

Sharon deduces that in order for Fasaud to teleport to New York and back via television signals, he must be using satellites. This leads them back to the Aqirian spaceship. They fight their way on board the ship, where Ben hot-wires it (!) and they take off.

In orbit, Fasaud takes over the satellite, which of course is armed, and there’s a space battle between the ship and the satellite. Fasaud teleports to inside the ship, where he grabs Sharon, electrocuting her. Ben destroys the satellite, which weakens Fasaud long enough for Sharon to punch him out. Fasaud reverts to insubstantiality (which is death, apparently). Ben and Sharon celebrate… with a kiss! “She ain’t pullin’ away,” Ben thinks.

The romance is short-lived, as the ship flies out of control, crashing down toward Earth. Ben attempts to steer the ship to safety, it passes through the cosmic ray belt — the same one that originally gave the FF their powers. The ship crash-lands in a jungle, and Ben emerges from the wreckage. He discovers the cosmic rays have transformed him again. His rocky skin is now spikey skin!

He searches for Sharon, noting that his strength has greatly increased. Ben finds Sharon to see that she has become… another Thing!

To be continued!

Clobberin’ time: How, exactly, is Ben able to “hot-wire” a spaceship? He explains that most spaceships on Earth use tech invented by Reed Richards. As Reed’s number one test pilot, Ben knows his way around the ship.

Flame on: Johnny, Crystal, and Alicia (who is really Lyja the Skrull in disguise) are only in one short scene, in which Johnny once again assures Alicia/Lyja that he and Crystal are just friends now.

Fantastic fifth wheel: You might be thinking that Sharon will revert back to normal once this story arc is over. Oohh, no. Settle in for long, long haul with her as the so-called “She-Thing.”

Commercial break: It’s The Marvel Try-out Book! The book was part of a contest, and the winner was Mark Bagley, who later became a super-popular artist on Ultimate Spider-Man.

Trivia time: Not only did Fasaud never return, but Marvel later published a public apology for its stereotyping of Middle Easterners during this story. So, there’s that.

(Edit: The Marvel Wiki informs me that Fasaud reappeared in Union Jack #2, to which I respond, “Since when did Union Jack have his own series?”)

Fantastic or frightful? I’ll go ahead and table discussion of Ben and Sharon’s transformations until next week. (It’s my blog, my rules.) This is issue is mostly all action, with Ben and Sharon beating up bad guys, and then some space battle stuff straight out of a Star Wars comic. Ben and Sharon’s kiss is a great character moment for them both, except we can’t have a status quo for a single issue before the next big shake-up, it seems.

Next week: It’s not easy being orange.

****

Want more? Check out my book, CINE HIGH, now available for the Kindle and the free Kindle app.

Reading the Fantastic Four comics from the start. In issue #309, the new FF team — Ben, Johnny, Crystal, and the Sharon Ventura Ms. Marvel — continue their struggle against a wacky and rather offensive villain.

To recap: The new FF are pursuing Fasaud, a murderous Arab sheik with television-based superpowers (you read that right) who’s out to kill a TV journalist. Ben and Sharon have left for Fasaud’s home country of Aqiria to investigate, while Johnny and Crystal have stayed behind as bodyguards for the reporter. Ben and Sharon arrive in Aqiria where they are greeted by King Khafir and US Ambassador Windsor Raynes. The king says Fasaud’s actions are an embarrassment to his country and he promises to work with the FF in stopping him. The king then adds that Sharon will have to cover up her legs and face in this Middle Eastern country. Sharon, who still has serious problems with men due to her PTSD, isn’t happy about this, but Ben convinces her to do it.

In New York, Alicia (who is secretly Lyja the Skrull in disguise) prepares a small, intimate dinner for her and Johnny. Then he calls and says he invited Crystal to dinner as well, in the hopes of Crystal and Alicia getting to know each other better. Alicia reluctantly agrees. In Aqiria, there is one fenced-off portion of oil fields where foreigners aren’t allowed to go, and Ben spots trucks of liquid oxygen going in and out of there. As a former pilot, Ben knows liquid oxygen is used for rocket. Ben and Sharon agree something fishy is going on. They investigate, and the comic spends a luxurious page and a half showing us how Ben and Sharon combine his strength and her agility to hop a fence. (I wish today’s comics did here’s-the-characters-using-their-powers-in-cool-ways stuff like this more often):

In New York, Johnny, Alicia, and Crystal sit down for dinner and toast “to friendship.” As they reminisce about old times, when Fasaud shows appears and challenges them to a fight. Outside, so as not to endanger Alicia, Crystal and Johnny try to fight Fasaud, knowing that his touch could electrocute either of them.

Crystal draws moisture from the air around her to temporarily short out Fasaud with water. She then has Johnny fire his explosive nova flame into the air over New York, which she turns into a gigantic summer storm, so powerful is disrupts transmissions all over the city, causing Fasaud’s electric image to dissipate.

In Aqiria, Ben and Sharon discover a space shuttle has been built in secret, and looks ready to launch. Just then, Fasaud reappears behind them and electrocutes them both. The king and Raynes appear alongside Fasaud, with the king saying, “You’ve saved the kingdom once again, my trusted friend.”

To be continued!

Clobberin’ time: Ben states that he’s no scientist and doesn’t know how Fasaud’s powers work, but then his knowledge gained from years as a pilot comes in handy.

Flame on: When Johnny tells Alicia he invited Crystal over for dinner, he adds “We’ll make it a threesome!” We readers aren’t supposed to interpret any double meaning in that, right?

Fantastic fifth wheel: It looks like they’re trying to set up Crystal as the new team’s most powerful member, with her creating a city-wide cataclysm just to defeat Fasaud.

The Alicia problem: Alicia/Lyja says she has been sculpting animals with help from the Bronx Zoo, who sedates the animals so she can study them by touch. (Not cool, Bronx Zoo!) Again, I think we can assume that Lyja’s experience as a shape-shifter can be applied to her recreating Alicia’s sculpting prowess.

Commercial break: Is this how Avengers spend their day off?

Trivia time: After all this time, I’m still perplexed as to what Crystal’s powers are, so I looked her up in the Official Handbook of the Marvel Universe: Deluxe Edition. It states her powers are based on the elements of fire, water, earth, and air. She manipulates the environment around her on a molecular level, creating any fire/water/earth/air-based construct or effect she can imagine. Why isn’t she a god, then? Because her constructs aren’t permanent, and she suffers mental and physical fatigue after using her powers nonstop for about an hour. (This makes her seem like a Green Lantern, actually.) Crystal’s portrait in the Handbook was drawn by John Byrne.

Fantastic or frightful? If Fasaud is after that journalist, why does he attack Johnny and Crystal? Was it too predictable that the king and the ambassador are up to no good? Sure, it’s fun to see Ben playing the part of the team’s leader and doing so in his own style, but beyond that, this issue has problems. And it’s not over yet.

Next week: The things, they are a changin’.

****

Want more? Check out my book, CINE HIGH, now available for the Kindle and the free Kindle app.