Here’s what I posted on Twitter as I made my way through the madness known as TRANSFORMERS: DARK OF THE MOON:
* OK, Michael Bay, try to impress me.
* I love that Hasbro is the first name in the credits. That tells you just what kind of movie this is going to be.
* We get a glimpse of Cybertron and… it looks like Zion from the Matrix sequels. Shaking my head.
* Alterna-NASA sci-fi stories have never excited me. Real NASA is already cool enough.
* Hot girlfriend, hangs out at the White House… Sam isn’t exactly the “guy next door” anymore, is he?
* Great, more Michael Bay “comedy.” Just because you can have wacky sidekicks doesn’t mean you should.
* This was originally released in 3-D, right? That’s why a lot of these scenes are all grey and colorless?
* Shockwave was the first Transformer I ever owned. That thing with the tentacles is NOT Shockwave.
* It’s a BURN AFTER READING reunion.
* Too… many… silly… accents…
* Subplot about Sam, his girlfriend, and his girlfriend’s boss seems pointless. It better be going somewhere.
* On the positive side, Megatron’s finally showing a little bit of personality for once in these movies.
* Michael Bay, even with Ken Jeong in your movie, you still can’t do comedy. Just STOP.
* The movie is spinning its wheels, so to speak. A lot of talk, exposition, forced conflict, forced comedy. I’m bored.
* Suddenly, it’s a gangster flick. Why aren’t the transformers in this Transformers movie?
* It’s Spider-Man’s landlord!
* Robot fightin’! But the robots all look alike, so I can’t tell which is which. I should be pumped, but I’m confused.
* What? Optimus just stands there and lets the villain walk away? And now we’re at a fancy dinner party? Ugh.
* What should be a suspenseful twist is instead an excuse for Sam to do slapstick shtick. Ugh again.
* Didn’t the second movie also do the “Oh, no, Optimus is dead for real” fake-out? Why do it again?
* What’s with all the cuts to a black screen, and then back to the action? It’s like they’re still editing the trailer.
* Suddenly I’m watching BATTLE: L.A. Why can’t this movie make up its mind what it wants to be?
* The Decepticons don’t have phones? They communicate only by yelling at each other?
* “Boomsticks?” Seriously? Now I’m wishing I was watching ARMY OF DARKNESS instead.
* Now someone just yelled, “Shoot the glass,” and suddenly I wish I was watching DIE HARD.
* “The needs of the many…” OK, that one HAD to be on purpose.
* Nothing says “Hollywood blockbuster” like the single-tear-falls-down-the-hero’s-face shot.
* Sam has parkour moves now? Since when?
* “You’ll have to go through me.” That’s it, keep the action cliches coming, movie.
* The final confrontation started with, “Holy crap!” but quickly sank back down to “Oh, brother.”
* Movie’s over and… it’s almost 2 a.m.? I have to go to work tomorrow!