Ten cent movies: Robo Vampire

A while back, I bought this 50-movie set, Sci-Fi Invasion, for five bucks. That adds up to ten cents per movie. The packaging for 1988’s Robo Vampire promises a cyborg battling vampires. Oh, how I wish it was that.

robo1

Here’s what happens: A drug kingpin has a bunch of vampires under his control, and he’s using them to get the cops off his tail. One cop is injured and brought back to life as a Robocop rip-off. There’s a subplot about a female ghost in love with a gorilla monster, and an additional subplot about a bunch of tough guys out to rescue a kidnapped woman.

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Speculative spectacle: I don’t even know. Our cyber-hero looks like an ordinary guy wrapped up in tinfoil. At one point, his enemies blow him up in a massive explosion, only he’s fine the next time we see him. The vampires, meanwhile, get around by hopping instead of walking. They look like little kids playing Easter Bunny.

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Sleaze factor: The lady ghost cavorts in a see-through top, the female kidnapping victim is used and abused by her captors, and some random skeezy guy spies on a girl while she’s skinny-dipping.

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Quantum quotables: “We’re changing the drug smuggling business to a variation on the body-smuggling business.” – a sinister crimelord, who clearly knows what he’s doing.

What the felgercarb? Where to begin?!? There’s one woman’s obvious male stunt double, our hero digging a path under a small fire instead of just walking around it, the fact that the gorilla monster also has teleportation powers, a parasol thrown like a boomerang, one guy’s fried chicken lunch magically flying around the room… there’s no end to the random nonsense.

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Microcosmic minutiae: Producers had the rights to some other low-budget Asian action movie, so they spliced huge chunks of it into this movie, accounting for about half of the running time. This would be the kidnapping plot. I spent a couple of hours trying to find out what movie that originally was, but no luck.

Worth ten cents? Robo Vampire isn’t a movie. It’s just footage. Stringing a bunch of unrelated scenes together does not automatically make a narrative. We’ll all just have to wait until someone makes a real cyborg versus vampires movie.

****

Want more? Check out my book, CINE HIGH, now available for the Kindle and the free Kindle app.

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About Mac McEntire

Author of CINE HIGH. amazon.com/dp/B00859NDJ8
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