A while back, I bought this 50-movie set, Sci-fi Invasion for five bucks. That adds to up to cents per movie. We’re finally at movie number 50, the Jesse Ventura-led space epic Abraxas, Guardian of the Universe.

Here’s what happens: Abraxas (Ventura) is an alien “finder,” which is some sort of space bounty hunter. His former partner, Secundus, has gone rouge. Secundus flees to Earth, where he magically impregnates a young woman. The child, he believes, will grow up to be the “comater,” who can solve something called the anti-life equation and destroy the universe or some crap. Abraxas shows sympathy for the child and his mother, and vows to protect them.

Speculative spectacle: Lots of technobabble. Abraxas undergoes a painful procedure called “volting,” which makes him able to live thousands of years. He has a built-in computer called an “answer box.” He travels through space via wormholes. Unfortunately, all this sci-fi talk is just setup for two guys wandering around some middle-of-nowhere small town looking for each other.

Quantum quotables: Space bureaucrat: “You’ve endangered the lives of millions of people for the sake of one woman and one child?” Abraxas: “I think you’re over dramatizing the situation.”

Sleaze factor: Secundus impregnates a woman by merely placing his hand on her belly. Stupid aliens take the fun out of everything. Later, in an effort to locate a “birthing species,” Secundus randomly starts a fight in a PG-rated strip club.

What the felgercarb? A lot of aspects of the plot are taken straight from Jack Kirby’s Fourth World comics, like how the movie’s “answer box” is kind of like Kirby’s “mother box,” and how the movie’s “anti-life equation,” is almost similar to Kirby’s “anti-life equation.”

Trivia time: James Belushi shows up in an oh-so-wacky cameo as a school principal. He was married to the lead actress at the time. Some have speculated as to whether this principal is the same one he played in the movie The Principal. IMDb tells me that both characters are indeed named “Principal Latimer.”

Worth ten cents? Silly me. I sat down to watch, thinking I was going to get space battles and Brigitte Nielsen and a young Sam Raimi cameo. No, that movie was Galaxis. Instead, Abraxas promises epic outer space action, but all we get is Jesse Ventura wandering around some crappy small town while trying to act like the Terminator. To think I had such high hopes for this one.

That’s the end! Come back tomorrow for a ten cent movie roundup.

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