Dracula the Series 1990 – What a Pleasant Surprise

Did you know Dracula had his own TV show in 1990? This is the Halloween season, so let’s watch it!

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In Dracula the Series episode nine, “What a Pleasant Surprise,” we get to know another vampire. Oh, and we’re going to the movies.

Cemetery plot: Lucard (a.k.a. Dracula) is paying a fortune to buy the local movie theater. Suspecting Lucard is up to something, Uncle Gustav investigates. He finds a classic movie actor named Jonas there, now immortal as a vampire. Meanwhile, young Max places an ad in the local paper, inviting anyone who knows about the theater to their home, accidentally giving Lucard an open invite to attack that night.

Movie star.

Movie star.

King of the vampires: Lucard bought the theater knowing that Jonas was about to wake from a decades-long slumber, and would want revenge. In the end, though, Jonas stakes himself, preferring death over living as a vampire.

Blood brothers: Chris and Max’s mother, Eileen, makes a return appearance, following her brief introduction in the pilot. The episode’s B-story has the kids frantically trying to Dracula-proof the house while Mom is unawares.

The new Mina: After establishing in the last episode that Sophie is a music student, this episode shows her practicing the violin while Chris is trying to watch television.

Music of the night.

Music of the night.

Stake master: Uncle Gustav complains about back pain at the start of the episode, only for it to slow him down during the finale. (Now that’s screenwriting!) He claims to have friends in town hall who prevent Lucard from buying the theater, but Lucard of course gets to them first.

Not weird at all.

Not weird at all.

Slayer’s handbook: This episode firmly establishes the “if you invite a vampire into your home, your weapons lose all their power” rule. Note the slight difference between this and the more well-known “a vampire can’t enter unless invited” rule. In other words, the show plays by Lost Boys rules, not Buffy rules.

Killer quotes: Lucard (to Jonas): “Ah, the old ham. Have a nice nap?”

Trivia time: A girl seen in the movie theater at the start of the episode is played by Brigid Tierney, sister of Jacob Tierney, who plays Max.

Drac Noir.

Drac Noir.

Bite me: I really enjoyed this one. It has a great sense of gloomy atmosphere and an over-the-top-but-in-a-good-way performance by Kim Coates, who plays Jonas. The jokes are hokey and the plot doesn’t entirely make sense, but for this series that’s all part of the fun.

Next: Don’t leave me in distress.

****

Want more? Check out my book, CINE HIGH, now available for the Kindle and the free Kindle app.

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Dracula the Series 1990 – A Little Nightmare Music

Did you know Dracula had his own TV show in 1990? This is the Halloween season, so let’s watch it!

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Dracula the Series keeps rockin’ right along, so it’s appropriate that episode eight, “A Little Nightmare Music” is all about music.

Cemetery plot: Sophie befriends a visiting countess, a wealthy patron of the arts. The countess also strikes a business deal with Lucard (a.k.a. Dracula) while in town. Surprise twist: The countess is a fellow vampire. Sophie goes rogue, arming herself and breaking into Lucard’s castle on her own. Chris, Max, and Uncle Gustav go after her. In the ensuing struggle, Lucard defeats the countess but lets her go, while the others manage to rescue Sophie.

Gal pals.

Gal pals.

King of the vampires: Lucard and the countess aren’t aware that each other is a vampire and are surprised to learn it. The countess wants to take over Lucard’s business empire, not knowing Lucard is the one and only Drac.

Blood brothers: In this week’s B-story, we learn teenage Chris plays rock music as well as always talking about it. He gets a gig at a local dive, and then must overcome his stage fright. (This is amusing because the actor who plays Chris, Joe Roncetti, went on to become a successful musician.)

Take those old records off the shelf...

Take those old records off the shelf…

The new Mina: We learn that Sophie is a music student, although she prefers classical to rock and roll. She’s carrying what looks to me like a violin case, but we don’t see her play. She says she hopes to travel the world someday, playing with all the world’s greatest orchestras.

The stake master: Uncle Gustav kept the polaroid photos that Max took of Lucard a few episodes back, in case he needs “evidence” that Lucard is a vampire.

Tanz der Vampire.

Tanz der Vampire.

Slayer’s handbook: The countess has lightning powers, which seems to physically hurt Lucard. We’re not told what these powers are or whether all vampires have them, she just flinging lightning bolts out her hands. Not to be outdone, Lucard demonstrates teleportation-like powers, disappearing in a cloud of smoke and then instantly reappearing on the other side of the room.

"Hey, that hurt!"

“Hey, that hurt!”

Killer quotes: Sophie: “You’ll never guess who came to my rehearsal.” Max: “The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles?”

Trivia time: Dracula the Series was co-created by Glenn Davis and William Laurin. These two have co-created a whole assortment of forgotten-but-interesting TV series over the years, including the John Woo-inspired Once a Thief, the sci-fi actioner Mann and Machine, the FBI drama 1-800-Missing, the Miami-based crime drama South Beach, and sports agent comedy Power Play. They’re still at it, currently co-producing Aftermath on SyFy.

I got my eye on you.

I got my eye on you.

Bite me: Aside from a neat vampire vs. vampire fight, not a lot happens in this episode. We get a little character development for Chris and Sophie, but mostly it’s like they said, “do a music episode” and then were done.

Next: Didn’t see that coming.

****

Want more? Check out my book, CINE HIGH, now available for the Kindle and the free Kindle app.

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Fantastic Friday: Space bummer

Re-reading the Fantastic Four comics from the start. The Thing has officially rejoined the team, but the issues that originally drove him away are still there in issue #297.

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We begin on an alien planet, where the ruthless warlord Umbra is plotting to defeat a rival army, run by his brother Jaagur. Umbra has a high-tech weapon called the syphon built into his armor. With him properly introduced with catch up with the FF and Alicia, who are staying at a military base in the South Pacific following the fight with the Mole Man in the previous issue. She-Hulk, Wyatt, and Franklin arrive to be reunited with the team. Ben is there, but he’s keeping his face covered. Reed explains that recent events have made him more upset about his appearance than he’s ever been. He dons a new uniform with a big metal helmet covering his whole head.

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Reed further explains that he’s working with the government, investigating a mysterious syphon out in space, causing mass disruptions in a sun. She-Hulk says she’s more concerned about Ben, but she’ll go along with whatever Reed needs her to do. Reed is inventing a counter-phase beam which can disrupt the syphon. They need to hurry, he says, because if the syphon enters Earth’s atmosphere, it could mean the end to life on Earth.

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Johnny meets Alicia (who is secretly Lyja the Skrull in disguise) at a nearby beach. He says the mission is being rushed, with equipment and a whole spaceship thrown together at the last minute. He says they might not make it back. But, if they do… he asks her to marry him! And she says yes! It should be the big happy moment, but then we see Ben is hiding behind a nearby rock, eavesdropping and feeling miserable about himself.

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The ship takes off and reaches outer space. Ben, Johnny, and She-Hulk don space suits and float outside the ship to construct the phase cannon. Reed says the alien sun’s power is depleting more rapidly. We cut to Umbra’s planet, where Jaagur’s forces have launched their attack. Jaguar, wearing high-tech battle armor, fights his way through Umrba’s soldiers and confronts Umbra. Jaguar says it’s time for their final battle, but we don’t see that, instead cutting back to the FF.

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Ben sees how well She-Hulk works alongside Reed and Johnny, and he’s decided he’s had enough. He fires his spacesuit’s rocket jet and floats off into the vacuum of space, saying he doesn’t want to be rescued. Johnny tries to talk sense into him, burning his rocket so he can’t go father. Johnny’s flame then starts to burn out, so Reed and Sue rescue them. Reed fires the phase cannon. On the alien world, the phase cannon causes the syphon to go haywire, sucking Umbra and Jaguar into an infinity vortex (science!).

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Back aboard the ship, a still-depressed Ben takes the controls, saying the ship is damaged and they might not make it back to Earth. Then we see a creature appear. Umbra and Jaguar have fused into a single being (Just like Stevonnie!) and is headed toward Earth, furiously angry.

To be continued!

Unstable molecule: We’re told that the new supersonic jet Reed invented can fly from New York to the South Pacific in mere minutes. You can bet I’ll be reading future issues carefully, looking for an explanation why this hasn’t changed the entire aviation industry.

Fade out: It seems as if not much time has passed between the last issue and this one, but Sue’s long hair is back. I guess somebody at Marvel editorial didn’t like the bowl cut.

Clobberin’ time: Ben’s face is either hidden or partially obscured throughout this entire issue, which I believe is to represent his suicidal state of mind.

Flame on: While in space, Johnny wears an “atmo-web suit” which allows his flames to burn in the vacuum of space. This is limiting, though, as he’s powers short out quicker than normal in space.

Fantastic fifth wheel: She-Hulk refers to one of the military men as “Steve Canyon” referencing a long-running newspaper comic strip about a heroic Air Force pilot.

Four and a half: Franklin is frightened by Ben’s appearance, after having not seen Ben in so long. This only heightens Ben’s depression.

The Alicia problem: Lyja is quick to accept Johnny’s marriage proposal. She’s gotten to know Johnny well enough to know when he’s about to talk seriously.

Commercial break: One of my greatest regrets in life is that I never got around to trying chocolate-flavored Bonkers. Do I dare hope that Nabisco will bring them back someday?

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Trivia time: Ben’s new outfit is based on the one he wore briefly way, way back in issue #3. Similarly, Johnny’s atmo-web suit is based on one he wore in way back in issue #13.

Fantastic or frightful? Here we find Ben at his lowest point — or, at least, one of his lowest points. That makes this issue a bummer, but knowing where the series is heading, with him about to become the new team leader, it tracks for his overall character progression. So, I suppose this issue only works when viewed as part of a larger whole.

Next week: Blood brothers.

****

Want more? Check out my book, CINE HIGH, now available for the Kindle and the free Kindle app.

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Dracula the Series 1990 – Black Sheep

Did you know Dracula had his own TV show in 1990? This is the Halloween season, so let’s watch it!

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In the previous episode of Dracula the Series, we met Klaus, Dracula’s right-hand-man. In episode seven, “Black Sheep,” we learn why Klaus is a big deal.

Cemetery plot: A man named Yeager comes to Gustav for help, saying his wife Emilia was turned into a vampire by Klaus. He wants Klaus dead. Klaus has been running around at night killing folks, threatening to reveal Lucard’s (a.k.a. Dracula’s) secrets. Gustav won’t help him, saying it’s too dangerous, but later meets Klaus in secret, revealing that Gustav and Klaus are working together!  Later, Gustav traps Klaus inside Klaus’ tomb, and it’s here that we learn Klaus is really Gustav’s long-lost son. (Shocking reveal!) Gustav seals Klaus inside the tomb in the hopes that he can someday save his son.

I wear my sunglasses at night.

I wear my sunglasses at night.

King of the vampires: Lucard is all about shutting down an anti-pollution bill that might harm his business interests. Also because he’s evil.

Blood brothers: The episode’s B-story is Chris and Max fixing up an old radio in the hopes of listening to American baseball. The radio is then used to listen in on some of Lucard’s private conversations.

Ham radio.

Ham radio.

The new Mina: Sophie says she would rather listen to the New York Metropolitan Opera than the baseball game. She and Chris leave to go play tennis at the end of one scene, so I guess their romance is still going strong.

Stake master: We’re not told how, exactly, Klaus became a vampire, except that Lucard did it just to spite Gustav. Gustav keeps this a secret from Chris, Max, and Sophie.

Role reversal.

Role reversal.

Slayer’s handbook: The episode takes place on St. George’s Eve on a full moon, which is the one time that a vampire must return to his or her original grave to sleep. This is what enables Gustav to catch Klaus. Lucard departs to his original tomb, but we don’t learn where that is.

Killer quotes: Klaus: “You’re always telling me about the good old days, when you used to terrorize the countryside.” Lucard: “Klaus, I know what it is to be young and enthusiastic, but we must have discipline.”

Does that map of the eastern hemisphere in background look off-model to anyone else?

Does that map of the eastern hemisphere in background look off-model to anyone else?

Behind the screams: Younger brother Max was played by Jacob Tierney, who went on to be a regular on Are You Afraid of the Dark? He stuck with acting into adulthood with a number of film and TV roles. He’s also broken out into making his own films, having written and directed The Trotsky in 2009, among others.

"Look how shiny my cape is."

“Look how shiny my cape is.”

Bite me: The show (mostly) drops the comedy shtick in favor of an attempt at horror and even drama in this episode. It doesn’t quite succeed, because this is Dracula the Series after all, but the fact that they tried to make the series more than just a hokey kids’ show should be applauded.

Next: Salieri does not approve.

****

Want more? Check out my book, CINE HIGH, now available for the Kindle and the free Kindle app.

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Dracula the Series 1990 – The Vampire Solution

Did you know Dracula had his own TV show in 1990? This is the Halloween season, so let’s watch it!

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Dracula the Series is a weird and wacky show, and it just gets weirder and wackier in episode five, “The Vampire Solution.”

Cemetery plot: Arthur, one of Uncle Gustav’s former students, is in town, having acquired a rare plant that could be the cure for vampirism. Arthur is abducted, and Gustav breaks into Lucard’s (a.k.a. Dracula’s) office to investigate. Lucard captures Gustav and bites him. The kids — Chris, Max, and Sophie — mount a rescue that night. Turns out the vampire cure got switched with one of Max’s energy drinks, giving Max temporary anti-vampire lightning powers (!). They cure Gustav, but Arthur decides to remain a vampire.

Every episode has a gratuitous fang shot, in case you forgot.

Every episode has a gratuitous fang shot, in case you forgot.

King of the vampires: A running joke in this episode is Lucard quoting Shakespeare before chowing down on his victims. This is doubly funny now that we know the actor playing him went on to do tons of Shakespeare on stage.

Blood brothers: Younger brother Max has decided he’s into fitness this week, constantly working out and chugging energy drinks. Because a vampire hunter must stay in shape and all that.

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“Unlimited pow-WAH!!!”

The new Mina: Sophie teaches Max some Tai Chi moves to help with his fitness regimen. Later, she translates the recipe for anti-vampire cure from ancient Latin. Who is this girl?

And you thought Jet Li was the Tai Chi master.

And you thought Jet Li was the Tai Chi master.

Stake master: We learn Gustav has a brother, Wilhelm, who apparently lives in town. They haven’t spoken in years, however. Also, Gustav and Lucard’s henchman Klaus clearly have a history.

Slayer’s handbook: Remember the all-powerful Cross of the Magus from the second episode? It returns in this one, where its incredible magic power is used to defeat Arthur after he goes full vamp.

Hey there.

Hey there.

Killer quotes: Lucard: “Gentlemen, gentlemen! Conflict makes me thirsty.”

Behind the screams: In this episode, we meet Klaus, Lucard’s right hand man, who will be a recurring character throughout the series. Klaus was played by Geraint Wyn Davies, whose list of TV acting credits is a mile long. He’s arguably most well known for another vampire show, Forever Knight, where he played vampire detective Nicholas “Nick” Knight.

Strike a pose.

Strike a pose.

Bite me: This one packs a ton of crazy ideas into one episode, rocketing along from one big twist or set piece to the next, with no chance for the audience to catch its breath. It’s all action and chases, which is good, but hardly any character development, which isn’t as good.

Next: Wake up, sheeple!

****

Want more? Check out my book, CINE HIGH, now available for the Kindle and the free Kindle app.

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Dracula the Series 1990 – The Boffin

Did you know Dracula had his own TV show in 1990? This is the Halloween season, so let’s watch it!

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When you’ve got Dracula set in modern times, you’ve got to deal with modern technology. That’s what Dracula the Series attempts in episode four, “The Boffin.”

Cemetery plot: Max befriends a bumbling yet brilliant scientist, Dr. Smith, who has invented the world’s only anti-vampire gun, capable of firing concentrated sunlight. It turns out Smith’s financier is Lucard (a.k.a. Dracula) who wants the gun for himself. During the final confrontation, the gun fails to kill one of Lucard’s vamp henchmen. Our heroes escape, thinking they’ve won. Later, the henchman burns up, and Lucard boasts that he owns the world’s only delayed-action anti-vampire gun.

Not creepy at all.

Not creepy at all.

King of the vampires: Showing how he’s kept up with science, Lucard boasts about his organization has produced powerful sunblock and synthetic reflective surfaces.

Blood brothers: The episode’s B-story is Chris and Sophie discussing dating and what dating is like. In a roundabout way, they end up going to the same restaurant at the same time, all the while not certain whether it counts as an actual, honest-to-gosh date.

Love is in the air.

Love is in the air.

The new Mina: Sophie asks Chris how she compares to American girls he knows. So, where is she from? Her accent sounds American to me.

Stake master: We’re meant to believe that Uncle Gustav’s old fashioned vampire hunting is nothing compared to Smith’s high-tech approach. Then it’s revealed that Gustav was working undercover in Smith’s lab the whole time, secretly staying one step ahead of everyone.

Science bros.

Science bros.

Slayer’s handbook: Smith tests the weapon against wood made from a vampire’s coffin, suggesting that such wood has special properties.

Killer quotes: Smith: “Garlic, an aromatic little herb, which has outlived its usefulness.”

Behind the screams: Good ol’ Drac is played by Geordie Johnson. While he’s been in a number of TV shows and movies, including a role in The English Patient, most of his career has been acting for the stage, including tons of Shakespeare. He’s performed live theater all over North America. Prior to Dracula the Series, he once played Dracula on stage.

Ta-DAH!

Ta-DAH!

Bite me: Another episode that packs a ton of plot into 30 minutes. Maybe it’s nostalgia, but I liked the old-school special effects, and the fact that the show is willing to go sci-fi for one episode.

Next: What’s the solution?

****

Want more? Check out my book, CINE HIGH, now available for the Kindle and the free Kindle app.

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Dracula the Series 1990 – Get a Job

Did you know Dracula had his own TV show in 1990? This is the Halloween season, so let’s watch it!

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In Dracula the Series, an old man and three kids are humanity’s first, last, and only defense against the vampire menace. Episode three, “Get a Job,” attempts to explain why the four of them don’t just call the police (or the army, for that matter).

Cemetery plot: Chris gets a job as a bike courier for a local art shop, and is enamored with Julia, his lovely boss. Lucard (a.k.a. Dracula) shows up to purchase a rare painting, and to put the moves on Julia. Uncle Gustav and the kids investigate, discovering that Julia is secretly running an illegal art forgery scheme. They manage to keep Lucard away from Julia long enough for the cops to show and arrest her, thus saving her from Lucard. But there’s a twist: the police chief is also a vampire, and Lucard turns Julia into a vamp after all.

Art nouveau.

Art nouveau.

King of the vampires: It’s suggested that Lucard was once friends with Michelangelo (the painter, not the turtle), which means he’s been around since at least the late 15th century.

Blood brothers: The B-plot has younger brother Max trying and failing to convince the local police that Lucard is really a vampire. This includes humorous shtick of him staking out (get it?) Lucard’s day-to-day activities.

Inconspicuous.

Inconspicuous.

The new Mina: Sophie acts awfully jealous when she sees Chris’s attraction to an older woman. It’s her idea to investigate Julia’s criminal activities.

Who could say no to that smile?

Who could say no to that smile?

Stake master: The episode begins with Gustav making the kids read through financial records, hoping they’ll find some way to defeat Lucard through his shady business dealings. (Kinda like how they got Al Capone, I guess.) This is the third episode in a row where Gustav jokes about eating schnitzel, so we can go ahead and call that a running gag.

Slayer’s handbook: Lucard is able to walk around in the sun with no problem. Lucard is unable to be photographed (because cameras use mirrors to capture images, maybe?), so let’s assume he is a reclusive billionaire. He transforms into a large dog to escape Gustav, and crosses seemingly have no effect on him when in dog form.

Gotcha!

Gotcha!

Killer quotes: Julia: “Monsieur Lucard has a real eye.” Chris: “Yeah, not to mention teeth!”

Behind the screams: Chris was played actor-turned-musician Joe Roncetti. Roncetti went on to appear in movies including To Die For, The Virgin Suicides, and Gacy. In the mid-2000s, he retired from acting to pursue music full time. He’s released both solo albums and albums with the band Ash and the Lonely Hearts. His website doesn’t mention Dracula the Series in his bio, sadly.

The future's so bright, I gotta wear shades.

The future’s so bright, I gotta wear shades.

Bite me: This episode is dumb, but fun. This is the “live-action Scooby Doo” stuff that the series is famous for. I especially like how the villain flat-out wins in the end, with the heroes not even knowing he’s won.

Next: It’s boffo!

****

Want more? Check out my book, CINE HIGH, now available for the Kindle and the free Kindle app.

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Dracula the Series 1990 – Double Cross

Did you know Dracula had his own TV show in 1990? This is the Halloween season, so let’s watch it!

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Dracula the Series episode two, “Double Cross,” explains why Dracula can’t just kill Max, Chris, Sophie, and Uncle Gustav in their sleep and be done with the whole thing.

Cemetery plot: Young Max has been having nightmares, but Uncle Gustav explains that their house is protected by the Cross of the Magus, a super-powerful talisman that prevents Lucard (a.k.a. Dracula) from entering their home. Max reads in one of Gustav’s books that a talisman needs to be re-blessed regularly, so he takes it out of the house to get that done. What’s more, he leaves the cross at a local church and doesn’t get it back before sunset. Bad move, kid.

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This is why you always leave a note.

Lucard learns the house is unprotected, and he attacks that night. The kids and Gustav try to put up a fight, with Lucard merely toying with them. Just when it looks like Lucard has won, the guy from the church shows up with the newly-blessed cross. The cross shoots lightning at Lucard (!!!) blasting him out of the house. Then, I guess Max learns a lesson about responsibility or something.

King of the vampires: While working out on an exercise bike (do vampires need to work out?) Lucard is in evil rich businessman mode, gleefully ordering to shut down a factory, knowing full well that doing so will ruin an entire town.

Dracu-fit.

Dracu-fit.

Blood brothers: This time, Max is the one who’s into music, until Gustav convinces him to read a book, arguing that reading is just as cool as rock and roll. Chris spends the episode grousing about all the stuff he’s missing back home.

The new Mina: Gustav introduces Sophie as “the girl I’ve told you so much about,” which again has me wondering just what their relationship is. Later, Sophie says she would rather stay home and play cribbage rather than go to a shopping mall. Is she an old lady trapped in a young woman’s body?

Teenagers!

Teenagers!

Stake master: The B-plot in this episode has Gustav visiting an old flame, Anna, and her new husband. There are a lot of jokes about Gustav’s misspent youth. He was once in a band… where he played tuba! Isn’t it whimsical? Unfortunately, the surprise twist is that Anna is the one who betrayed them, secretly working for Lucard. Along the way, this episode confirms that Gustav’s last name is Helsing.

Does Zack Morris know Dracula stole his cell phone?

Does Zack Morris know Dracula stole his cell phone?

Slayer’s Handbook: There’s a lot of tension in Lucard waiting until after sunset to attack, but we’re not told what effect, if any, sunlight has on him. Prior to his attack, Lucard somehow makes the lights in the house flicker, and causes gusts of wind to blow everyone around. We’re told that Lucard can control the mind of someone he bites, but that person won’t become a full-on vampire unless Lucard kills them. To make his escape, Lucard doesn’t turn into a bat, but a whole swarm of bats.

Killer quotes: Max: “You can’t scare Dracula with noises, you dimwits!”

Zap! Ka-pow!

Zap! Ka-pow!

Behind the screams: Uncle Gustav was played by Bernard Behrens, who spent most of his career, from the ‘60s to the 2000s, guest starring on numerous TV shows, in both England and US. He also had a successful stage career in England, the US, and Canada. Most interesting (to me at least) is that he was the voice of Obi-Wan Kenobi in the infamous NPR radio dramatizations of the Star Wars trilogy. He died in 2012.

Bite me: The haunted house-type stuff that happens before Lucard’s attack is awesome, filmed with a real kinetic energy like an Evil Dead-lite. The rest of the episode is hokey and cheesy, though. I get that hokey and cheesy is part of this show’s mission statement, but geez.

Next: Job market vs. meat market.

****

Want more? Check out my book, CINE HIGH, now available for the Kindle and the free Kindle app.

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Dracula the Series 1990 – Children of the Night

Did you know Dracula had his own TV show in 1990? This is the Halloween season, so let’s watch it!

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Dracula the Series ran for 22 episodes in syndication and was a combined Canadian-French-German production, filmed in Germany. Each episode is only a half-hour, and it was marketed as a family-friendly Dracula show. The pilot episode, “Children of the Night,” packs in a ton of info as we meet new characters and a brand new Drac.

Cemetery plot: Our story begins when brothers Max (Jacob Tierney) and Chris (Joe Roncetti) move from Philadelphia to Romania, to live with their Uncle Gustav (Bernard Behrens). A student their age, Sophie (Mia Kirshner), also lives with Gustav. This quaint, tiny village is somehow the home of Lucard Industries, a worldwide business empire run by mega-billionaire Alexander Lucard (Geordie Johnson).

Not the Goonies.

Not the Goonies.

The superstitious young Max fears Gustav might be a vampire, so he goes to Lucard for help. Only then it’s revealed that Lucard is the one and only Dracula, and Gustav is from a long line of vampire hunters. Now that they know Lucard’s secret, Gustav and the three kids hope to find some way to stop the vampire’s evil schemes.

King of the vampires: Get used to the name Lucard, because that’s how this show almost always refers to Dracula. Oh, and “A. Lucard” is “Dracula” spelled backwards, in case you’re from another planet and haven’t gotten it yet.

This is the big reveal. Are you scared yet?

This is the big reveal. Are you scared yet?

Blood brothers: Younger brother Max is a monster fan, obsessed with all things vampires. He’s actually enjoying being menaced by Dracula. Older brother Chris’s thing is music. He’s constantly talking about how much he loves music, and he especially loves MTV. In one scene, his favorite style is rap, but in another his favorite band is Metallica. It has the stink of a clueless adult trying to write a teenager.

You'll stake your eye out, kid.

You’ll stake your eye out, kid.

The new Mina: We’re told that Sophie is living with Gustav while she “takes classes.” This is only backstory she’s given. Is it weird that the young girl just happens to live with an old man like this? Yeah, it’s kind of weird.

Stake master: We see very little of Gustav in this pilot. He pretty much up and disappears for most of it so the three kids can have their Lost Boys-style adventure.

Fearless vampire hunters.

Fearless vampire hunters.

Killer quotes: Sophie: “You’re Dracula.” Lucard: “No, I’m Milli Vanilli. Of course I’m Dracula!”

Slayer’s Handbook: Stakes and crosses are the two main weapons used against Lucard. Holy water doesn’t seem to work at first, but Lucard acts like he doesn’t want to touch the stuff a second time. People bitten by Lucard become zombie-like servants/henchpeople in his castle. When of them is staked, she explodes in blue and red lights. Also Lucard is hundreds of years old, and has super strength. Most interesting, though, is they actually do the rare “spill some seeds and vampires have to stop and count them” rule.

Behind the screams: Of everyone on the show, the most well-known is probably Mia Kirshner, who went on to have recurring or regular roles on 24, The L Word, The Vampire Diaries, and Defiance. She also starred in several movies, including Exotica, The Crow: City of Angels, and Black Dahlia. In 2008, she published her memoir, titled I Live Here.

NOW are you scared?

NOW are you scared?

Bite me: This is a 90-minute movie crammed into 30 minutes, just barely enough time to introduce the characters and have them fight Dracula. The pilot moves so fast that there’s no breathing room in any of these scenes. Now that the status quo has been set, hopefully we can have some real fun in episodes to come.

Next: Don’t cross me!

****

Want more? Check out my book, CINE HIGH, now available for the Kindle and the free Kindle app.

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Fantastic Friday: Getting the band back together

Re-reading the Fantastic Four comics from the start. Issue #296 was the big Marvel 25th anniversary issue. They pulled out all the stops for this one, with artwork from Barry Windsor-Smith, Ron Frenz, Marc Silvestri, John Buscema, and a bunch of others. Even better, the one and only Stan Lee came back to the series, co-writing this issue with then-EIC Jim Shooter. It’s also the issue that brings back the Thing as a main character.

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We begin with Ben, still a fugitive, which is where we last left him in The Thing and West Coast Avengers. He’s returned to the crash site where the FF first discovered their superpowers, so we can have a flashback to the team’s origin. He says it’s just as he remembered it. Cut to later, where an old pilot friend, Hertnecky, is flying Ben over the South Pacific. Ben finds just the spot he’s looking for, jumps out of the plans, and swims to an ominous-looking island with an even more ominous-looking cave.

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The Fantastic Four are visiting Los Angeles, where Reed fires their emergency signal flare over the sky. It’s an old fashioned excuse-for-the-characters-to-use-their-powers-for-a-few-pages thing as they make their way to the city back to Reed. Reed has arranged a meeting with Hertnecky in the hopes of finding Ben. Hertnecky says Ben has returned to Monster Island, home of giant monsters, and the original entryway to the Mole Man’s kingdom in Fantastic Four #1. Ben has decided he’s going to be one of the monsters, and he wants to be left alone.

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Everyone returns to New York, where we get our first look at the FF’s still-unnamed new headquarters. It’s a huge skyscraper with big number fours on top, which, if I’m being honest, looks really cheesy. There, She-Hulk and Wyatt talk about how much they love the FF, but they just don’t have familial bond the original four have.

Reed frets about Ben, saying that although Ben asked to be left alone, Reed must nonetheless confront him, and settle things once and for all. It’s decided that Sue and Johnny will accompany him, with the others staying behind. Alicia — who is really Lyja the Skrull in disguise — insists on coming along to square things off with Ben, but She-Hulk holds her back.

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The FF arrive at Monster Island, and there’s several pages of them fighting giant monsters, before they escape into the underground, complete with the giant cavern full of diamonds from the first issue. They’re attacked by even more monsters and are finally defeated. They are brought before Ben, who is dressed like the Mole Man.

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Ben says he holds no ill will towards Reed or Johnny. He says he’s accepted that he is a freak, so he’s made the underground kingdom his new home, a place where freaks and monsters can live in peace. Ben is now friends with the Mole Man, and we learn M.M. is sick and dying, spending time in a “special chamber” for his health. Ben takes them on a tour of the subterranean kingdom, where the world’s ugliest people have not just found a new home, but have built a high tech utopia for themselves. This includes a massive and incredibly powerful earth-shifting machine.

Mole Man insists that the FF should leave, and they can’t be trusted. Ben knows the FF mean no harm. Before they can continue this debate, there’s word of an intruder. It’s Alicia (Lyja) who convinced Hertnecky to fly her there, only for her to abducted by the monsters. She and Ben have a heart-to-heart, where she says she gave him all the love she had, but it still wasn’t enough for him. Ben leaves Alicia, walking right into a fight between Reed and Sue versus the Mole Man’s Moloid servants. Ben takes the side of the Moloids for a few more pages of fighting. We eventually learn they were fighting because the Mole Man abducted Johnny. The Mole Man returns and reveals he’s altered Johnny’s face, making him horribly ugly.

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Ben has the FF and Alicia/Lyja banished to surface, to return to Hertnecky. Reed doesn’t want to leave the island, fearing the earth-shifter is too powerful, and can be used as a weapon against the surface world. Elsewhere, Ben wants to confront the Mole Man about what he did to Johnny, so he breaks into the Mole Man’s special chamber. It’s a Holodeck-like room, where Mole Man has created a fantasy of himself at a posh party surrounded by beautiful people. He’s so mesmerized by the holograms he doesn’t know Ben is there.

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The FF attack, and Reed tries to convince Ben that the earth-shifter is secretly a weapon. His loyalties divided, Ben sides with Reed, and fights the Moloids with a classic “It’s clobberin’ time.” Then there’s even more fighting as the reunited FF fights the Moloids and all the giant monsters, eventually making their way to the earth-shifter. The FF use their combined might to destroy it, but it starts destroying the entire subterranean kingdom in the process. The human inhabitants manage to evacuate, but the monsters and Moloids succumb to cave-ins. The Mole Man also suffers a cave in, still deluded in his hologram fantasy.

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Reed and Sue escape to the surface, but Ben stays behind to heal Johnny’s face, holding up the ceiling from falling as he does so. They then reunite with Reed, Sue, Alicia, and Hertnecky. There’s some bickering before Ben comes around and admits that he loves his family. The four original FFers clasp hands, finally reunited.

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Unstable molecule: Reed convinces Ben to return with the “I’ve never lied to you” argument. But, didn’t Reed lie about Ben’s cures, that it was really a mental block preventing him from becoming human? Reed came clean on that, though, so maybe it still counts.

Fade out: Sue begins the issue as a keynote speaker at a charity fundraiser. We don’t learn what charity, though.

Clobberin’ time: When we last saw Ben, he had mutated into a new, even more monstrous form. This isn’t mentioned in this issue and won’t be addressed until the next one.

Flame on: Johnny is considerably depowered in this issue, so that his flame keeps burning out and needing to “recharge.” Maybe this is the effects of being deep underground.

Fantastic fifth wheel: She-Hulk doesn’t accompany the FF to Monster Island, saying that this is something the original four need to work out among themselves.

Four and a half: Franklin appears in one panel, to let us know he’s still staying at Avengers Mansion. This frees him up to keep superheroing with the Power Pack kids.

The Alicia problem: Lyja talks and even thinks a lot about her feelings for Ben, making it hard to figure out how she could possibly be Skrull in disguise. The only argument seems to be that she’s really, really into character.

Commercial break: This is another deluxe-size 64-page issue, with no ads. There is this nifty back cover illustration of our heroes, though:

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Trivia time: All of the Marvel 25th anniversary covers had the matching frame, with character head shots in the center. Marvel’s licensed comics like GI Joe, Transformers, Conan, and even freakin’ Heathcliff had the matching covers. This gimmick was disliked by many at the time, but we’ll get to real gimmick covers soon enough.

Fantastic or frightful? A sloppy mess of an issue, but it does the job of both paying homage to FF #1 and making Ben a member of the team again. It’s kinda/sorta a slap in the face to John Byrne by undoing so much of what he’d done, but that was Marvel at the time. It could have been a better anniversary issue, but it does the job.

Next week: Things in space.

****

Want more? Check out my book, CINE HIGH, now available for the Kindle and the free Kindle app.

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