Ten cent movies wrap-up: The best and worst

A while back, I bought this 50-movie set, Sci-fi Invasion, for five bucks. That added up to ten cents per movie. I went and watched all of them. Here are the highlights:

Favorite speculative spectacle: Battle Beyond the Sun takes place after World War III, in which the Earth’s two surviving factions, “North Hemis” and “South Hemis,” are in a race to put the first man on Mars. The best part: This takes place in the far-distant future of 1997!

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 Favorite sleaze factor: Prey is actually really good. It’s the most successfully artsy of the bunch. Its erotic, kinky love triangle really draws you in, as does its gothic vampire-movie vibe.

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Favorite quantum quotable: From Star Knight: Harvey Keitel: “Sire, surely thou canst not doubt my forceful courage. A hundred trials I have fought and, forsooth, have triumphed over each one. If I were knighted, and made Sir Klever, the vassals would respect me more, and thus would be eased the rigors of your reign.” Medieval King: “Must you speak like that?”

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Favorite what the felgercarb: 1934’s Life Begins centers its finale on actual footage of veterinarians performing surgery on a dog, successfully reviving it after it had been euthanized. It’s supposed to be all life-affirming, but instead it’s incredibly creepy.

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Favorite trivia time: From the three Rocky Jones films. More than 20 episodes of the Rocky Jones Space Ranger TV show had already been made by the time the first one, Beyond the Moon, aired. Then, the same month as the premiere, actor Scotty Beckett, who plays Rocky’s sidekick Winky, was arrested following an armed robbery in Hollywood. He made bail and fled to Mexico, where he got into a gunfight with local cops before being caught again and incarcerated for four months. Holy crap!

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Hey, I only count 48 movies: I skipped two of them, The Creeping Terror and Fugitive Alien, because they were both featured on well-known episodes of Mystery Science Theater 3000. He tried to kill me with a forklift!

Favorite poster: One of the most fun things about this series has been looking up the original posters and home video cover art for each movie. The one from 1968’s It’s Alive takes the cake:

WORST ten cent movie: Eyes Behind the Stars, simply because of how boring it is. Nothing happens!

BEST ten cent movie: Future Hunters. It’s everything a B-movie should be. Why? The action doesn’t stop. There’s always something exciting happening, as it rockets from one chase or fight to the next. Next time you want to want to watch a “roller coaster ride” movie, make it Future Hunters.

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That’s that. What should I do next with this blog?

****

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Ten cent movies: Abraxas, Guardian of the Universe

A while back, I bought this 50-movie set, Sci-fi Invasion for five bucks. That adds to up to cents per movie. We’re finally at movie number 50, the Jesse Ventura-led space epic Abraxas, Guardian of the Universe.

abraxas1 Here’s what happens: Abraxas (Ventura) is an alien “finder,” which is some sort of space bounty hunter. His former partner, Secundus, has gone rouge. Secundus flees to Earth, where he magically impregnates a young woman. The child, he believes, will grow up to be the “comater,” who can solve something called the anti-life equation and destroy the universe or some crap. Abraxas shows sympathy for the child and his mother, and vows to protect them.

abraxas5 Speculative spectacle: Lots of technobabble. Abraxas undergoes a painful procedure called “volting,” which makes him able to live thousands of years. He has a built-in computer called an “answer box.” He travels through space via wormholes. Unfortunately, all this sci-fi talk is just setup for two guys wandering around some middle-of-nowhere small town looking for each other.

Quantum quotables: Space bureaucrat: “You’ve endangered the lives of millions of people for the sake of one woman and one child?” Abraxas: “I think you’re over dramatizing the situation.”

abraxas3 Sleaze factor: Secundus impregnates a woman by merely placing his hand on her belly. Stupid aliens take the fun out of everything. Later, in an effort to locate a “birthing species,” Secundus randomly starts a fight in a PG-rated strip club.

What the felgercarb? A lot of aspects of the plot are taken straight from Jack Kirby’s Fourth World comics, like how the movie’s “answer box” is kind of like Kirby’s “mother box,” and how the movie’s “anti-life equation,” is almost similar to Kirby’s “anti-life equation.”

abraxas4 Trivia time: James Belushi shows up in an oh-so-wacky cameo as a school principal. He was married to the lead actress at the time. Some have speculated as to whether this principal is the same one he played in the movie The Principal. IMDb tells me that both characters are indeed named “Principal Latimer.”

Worth ten cents? Silly me. I sat down to watch, thinking I was going to get space battles and Brigitte Nielsen and a young Sam Raimi cameo. No, that movie was Galaxis. Instead, Abraxas promises epic outer space action, but all we get is Jesse Ventura wandering around some crappy small town while trying to act like the Terminator. To think I had such high hopes for this one.

That’s the end! Come back tomorrow for a ten cent movie roundup.

****

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Ten cent movies: R.O.T.O.R.

A while back, I bought this 50-movie set, Sci-fi Invasion for five bucks. That adds to up to cents per movie. Today it’s a trip back to 1989 for the Terminator/Robocop ripoff, R.O.T.O.R.

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Here’s what happens: Heroic police captain Barrett Coldyron (sweet name!) is developing a new robotic police officer to clean up crime on the mean streets of Dallas. He wants four years on the project, but the scumbag politicians give him only 60 days, so he quits. Without him, the project goes haywire, and the mustachioed cybernetic cop R.O.T.O.R. is out on the street.

Speculative spectacle: Because he’s still just a prototype, poor R.O.T.O.R. doesn’t quite get the whole “serve and protect” thing, executing people for minor crimes. Now, Coldyron has to take down his own creation.

rotor5 Quantum quotables: Scientist: “What’s your intent in some little-known alloy? Is there some good vibration to its molecular tonality you can utilize?” Coldyron: “Exactly.”

Sleaze factor: A jive-talkin’ Native American tries to use his ethnicity to impress a woman in a come-on that’s awful in numerous ways. He says to her, “I’m either an Indian or a sissy, so I must be an Indian!”

rotor2What the Felgercarb? Coldyron enlists help from Dr. Steele, a female scientist/bodybuilder with a huge white streak in her hair. I’m very tired.

Trivia time: R.O.T.O.R. stands for “Robotic Officer Tactical Operation Research.” Because “research” is something what we want to see in an action movie.

rotor3 Worth ten cents? This movie is filled with whacked-out dialogue, so much so that it has me wondering whether it’s an intentional comedy. It’s right on the line. Unfortunately, it also suffers from long stretches of absolutely nothing happening (there’s a driving montage every single time any character drives from place to place). So spend your dime on other stuff.

****

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Fantastic Friday: Everybody fights everybody

Re-reading the Fantastic Four comics from the start. Issue #42 finds us still in the middle of a multi-part story in which the Frightful Four turn the Thing against the rest of the team. Hope you like fighting.

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Enraged and mind-controlled by the Frightful Four, Ben is about to pummel Reed, who caught in the Trapster’s super-glue. Reed deflects Ben’s blows by stretching himself into a cushion-like state. Elsewhere inside the same house, Johnny has been hooked up to a device that will douse him with water if he tries to use his powers, he deduces that he can heat up fast enough to destroy the machine before it can react, which works. He frees Sue from the plastic bag she’s trapped in, and they join the fight.

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The Frightful Four – Medusa, the Wizard, Sandman, and the Trapster (formerly Paste-Pot Pete) – fight back, and it’s a brawl. Johnny is too fast for Sandman, but not for Trapster, who snags Johnny in a cage made out of paste bars (!). Sue takes on Medusa, but gets tangled up in Medusa’s wily hair. Ben takes a few more swings at Reed, unwittingly breaking Reed free of his trap. They fight for the next three pages, tearing apart the Frightful Four’s mansion. Ben finally knocks Reed unconscious. Reed is apparently in a pliable state while out cold, so Ben stuffs him into a tiny metal container (where’d he get that?) and sealing it so Reed can’t get out.

Meanwhile, Sue successfully fends off attacks from Medusa, Sandman, and the Trapster as Johnny escapes from his cage and rejoins the fight. Ben shows up, just in time to add to the battle. Sue escapes while invisible, but Ben and the Frightful Four capture Johnny and knock him out. The Wizard decides to hook Johnny up to his id machine, just like he did with Ben in the previous issue, making the Frightful Four now a frightful six.

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Sue managed to get a hold of Reed’s canister as she escaped. Now in the woods outside the house, it takes all of her strength to force the lid off, so Reed can escape. They make their way back to the house, where the Wizard has left a lot of his high-tech gear sitting around outside (I thought he was supposed to be the smart one). Reed uses tear gas machine and the Wizard’s anti-gravity discs to get the bad guys out of the house. Reed incapacitates Ben with an anti-grav disc, but Johnny attacks, surrounding his former teammates in a wall of flame. And… to be continued, again!

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Unstable molecule: Does this issue mean that Reed turns into a Play-Doh like state every time he falls asleep, or was this just because Ben beat him up so severely first?

Fade out: This issue is pretty much all about Sue. She takes on the whole Frightful Four by herself, managing to rescue her husband as she does so.

Clobberin’ Time: Ben is reduced to merely a monster in this issue, here to throw punches at our heroes. That’s kind of odd, considering that his feeling like a monster is what kicked off this plotline two issues back.

Flame on: During the fight, Johnny creates a “sunburst” with his flame, temporarily blinding his enemies. This is another example of Stan Lee and Jack Kirby always thinking of new ways for the characters to use their powers.

Trivia time: During a brief moment of downtime, Medusa offers Ben some friendship, which upsets Sandman. This could be read as her making the transition from villain to one of the good guys. (Keep in mind, we’re only a few issues away from her kin the Inhumans… and Galactus.)

Fantastic or Frightful: There’s not much to say about this issue. It’s all fighting, and all setup for the next chapter. Because the action is mostly confined to the inside of one house, Kirby doesn’t really get to cut loose with the big action like he usually does. (Trust me, we’ll get to that big action when we get to Galactus.)

Next week: Lo!

****

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Ten cent movies: Silver Needle in the Sky

A while back, I bought this 50-movie set, Sci-Fi Invasion, for five bucks. That adds up to ten cents per movie. Can you believe I’m almost done with this series? Only a few movies left to go. Here’s our third and final go-around with Rocky Jones, Space Ranger, in Silver Needle in the Sky. Once again, this is a couple of episodes of the 1955 TV show edited into a feature.

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Here’s what happens: Heroic Rocky Jones and his crew – sidekick Winky (ugh), space girl Vena, and precocious little kid Bobby – are escorting a group of ambassadors to a space station, but they’re captured by the sinister Queen Cleolantha. She plans to hold the ambassadors for ransom, and only Rocky and his pals can stop her.

Speculative spectacle: Cleolantha shuts off the oxygen in Rocky’s ship, and Rocky gets it fixed by using, of all things, Vena’s lipstick. (Maybe it’s high-tech space lipstick.)

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Sleaze factor: None, except for Vena’s ever-present short skirt, of course.

Quantum quotables: “Gallopin’ galaxies!” – little Bobby’s favorite expression.

What the felgercarb? One of the ambassadors walks around with this funky-looking headdress on. Is he an ancient Egyptian pharaoh?

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Microcosmic minutiae: Rocky Jones had a short-lived run in the comics, appearing in issues 15-19 of Space Adventures, published by Charlton. In the comics, the space ranger uniforms are blue and white, but in other promotional materials, they’re red and white.

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Worth ten cents? The other Rocky Jones collections on this set were goofball fun, but this one is dull. What it loses in crazy space adventure, it gains a lot of standing around and talking. If you want the Rocky Jones experience, skip this one and watch The Gypsy Moon instead.

****

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Fantastic Friday: Betrayal

Re-reading the Fantastic Four comics from the start. Issue #41 starts right where the last one left off, with the Thing declaring that he’s leaving the team. This is hardly the first time one of the group has been at odds with the others. Remember, Johnny temporarily quit the team way back in issue #3. But this issue promises BETRAYAL in big letters, so let’s see what happens.

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Johnny flies around Ben to keep him from leaving, but the Baxter Building’s automatic sprinklers put his flame (so why doesn’t this happen every time he uses his powers?). Ben departs after smashing up a wall. Outside, Ben hides in the back of some guy’s pickup truck and falls asleep. The truck drives to New Jersey, after which a mysterious force lifts him into the air, and carries him to a mansion outside the city (no one notices this?).

Back at HQ, the landlord complains about all the damage done to the building during the previous issue’s battle (I imagine he does this a lot), and we get the requisite couple of pages where the characters show off their powers as they clean up and make repairs. Alicia arrives, and Reed is forced to break the bad news to her, that Ben has left the team.

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At the mysterious mansion, we learn that Frightful Four – Medusa, the Wizard, Sandman, and Paste-Pot Pete, um, I mean the Trapster – have abducted the still-unconscious Ben. We get a requisite couple of pages of them showing off their powers as they fight among themselves. Medusa appears to have taken the leadership role among the group, bossing them around. They ominously state they’re going to hook Ben up to an “ID machine.”

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Reed, meanwhile, does the guilt trip thing, blaming himself for Ben leaving. “As leader of the F.F., I’m responsible for everything!” he says. Johnny gets a tip that Ben was spotted in Jersey, and Reed and Sue take off in search of him. Five miles away, according to the caption, the Wizard attaches the ID machine to Ben. He says the machine reverts the human mind back to its most evil, primitive instincts. (I’m not sure how primitive instincts are automatically evil, but this is mad science we’re dealing with.) The Trapster discovers Medusa and Sandman having a game of poker (!) and he suggests that there’s something romantic happening between them. Sandman seems to confirm this, saying “I like dames who play rough.” Classy. Jealous, the Trapster starts a fight with the two of them, but it’s broken up by the Thing, who is now under the Wizard’s control. Shockingly, Ben rips out some of Medusa’s hair, which knocks her out. The Wizard declares himself to be leader of the team again.

The FF fire a signal flare nearby, and the Frightful Four see it. Then there’s an odd jump where Reed and Sue are joined by Johnny, right outside the Frightful Four’s mansion. Apparently, they’ve been going door to door, and now they’re conveniently at the right house? Anyway, the bad guys attack, and it’s time for several pages of fighting. The villains are no match for our heroes, until Ben shows up. Sue and Reed pull their punches, but Ben doesn’t, and he knocks them both out. Ben uses the Sandman’s sand to douse Johnny’s flame and then knock Johnny out as well.

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The Trapster devises several traps to keep the FF from fighting back – Johnny is affixed with a sprinkler vest that will douse his flame if he tries to use it, Sue is sealed up in a giant plastic bag that can stretch to any shape, and Reed is glued in place with the Trapster’s famous super-paste. The Wizard, who is worried about Medusa taking leadership away from him again, puts Ben to sleep with his super-hypnotism.

Then we get several pages of the Frightful Four debating what to do with Ben. Sandman wants to kill him, while the Wizard wants to continue using him against their enemies. Medusa has a moment of compassion for Reed, feeling bad for him “I must not become weak and feminine at a time like this!” she thinks. When Ben wakes, the Wizard gives him a big speech about how Ben’s monstrous face is all Reed’s fault. Ben buys it. Reed wakes, still unable to move because of the paste, and tries to talk some sense into Ben, but it’s too late. Ben declares, “I’ll do to you what you did to me!” And… to be continued!

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Unstable molecule: Reed’s need for control and his guilt trip over Ben both speak to his ongoing character development, something we’ll get a bigger dose of as we get closer and closer to the big issues #49-51.

Fade out: Sue shows how tough she really is during the fight, using her force fields to take out three of the Frightful Four before the Wizard unleashes Ben.

Clobberin’ time: Ben spends most of the issue asleep or under the Wizard’s power, but there’s a telling scene at the beginning, where he roams the streets of the city, alone. He ponders Reed and Sue’s engagement, and all of Johnny’s girlfriends and sports cars, and he wallows as to he’ll never have that because he’s just a monster. This is some real human drama amid all the melodrama.

Flame on: Johnny does very little in this issue. Between water and sand, it seems like any time he starts to use his flame, someone’s right there to douse it. His car, however…

Trivia time: One page shows Johnny’s latest hot rod, an “S.S. Excalibur Racer.” This appears to be the 1964 Excalibur S.S., made by Studebaker. They went for $100,000 each, which was insane money in the mid-1960s.

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Fantastic or frightful: Here we begin to see what will later be called “decompressed storytelling.” By stretching this story out over several issues, we get longer fight scenes, and more character interaction. This is a different feel than the packed-with-plot early issues. A lot of it is build-up for the next two chapters – that’s right, two more chapters to go.

Next week: Everybody fight!

****

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Ten cent movies: Death Machines

A while back, I bought this 50-movie set, Sci-Fi Invasion, for five bucks. That adds up to ten cents per movie. Time for some martial arts action with 1976’s Death Machines.

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Here’s what happens: A sinister crimelord has a group of mindless killers at his disposal, which he uses as assassins. For reasons not clear to me, he has them attack a prestigious martial arts school, where they kill all but one person. After recovering, the survivor goes on the hunt for revenge.

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Speculative spectacle: Our hero got his hand cut off during the attack, and has to re-learn how to fight. This also gives him a good reason for the ol’ righteous vengeance. Before that can happen, though, we’ve got a romantic subplot, a subplot with a bunch of cops, a kidnapping subplot – subplots everywhere, basically.

Sleaze factor: The head mobster chats on the phone poolside while surrounded by topless female sunbathers. Classy.

Quantum quotables: Stereotypical angry police captain: “Karate school murders? Karate school murders? Oh, yes, now I remember. I read about them in the newspaper somewhere… BECAUSE I STILL DON’T HAVE YOUR REPORT!”

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What the felgercarb? The movie screeches to a halt halfway through for an extended scene in which the psycho killers beat up some unruly bikers in a diner. Who is the main character in this movie?

Microcosmic minutiae: All twelve discs on this Sci-Fi Invasion set have the same music on the menu screens, this weird, screechy synth tune. Turns out that annoying music is the main theme from Death Machines. Composer Don Hulette, you haunt my nightmares.

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Worth ten cents? There’s a lot of fighting and craziness, but it’s so and overstuffed with needless characters and subplots that it’s just one big mess. Skip it.

****

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Fantastic Friday: Battle!

Reading the Fantastic Four comics from the start. At the end of the last issue, our heroes were in bad shape. They’d lost their super powers, the evil Dr. Doom had taken over their headquarters and used their weapons against them, and now they’re separated and vulnerable out on the streets of New York. Fortunately, fellow crimefighter Daredevil, who is secretly the FF’s lawyer Matt Murdock, is lending a hand, and was on his way to the Baxter Building to duke it out with Doom. That takes us to issue 40, a landmark of awesome Jack Kirby action.

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Doom sends a flying remote control camera, called a “TV eye,” out into the city to find the FF, startling the innocent passersby. It spots Reed and Daredevil. Get this: Daredevil makes some quick adjustments to his billy club, turning it into a miniature sniper rifle and, with the help of his radar sense, takes out the camera in one shot. (So why isn’t Daredevil a sniper all the time? Just imagine how many bad guys he could take out from a distance.)

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Sue and Johnny pull up in a commandeered taxi (do the FF have that authority?) to pick up Reed. The team’s only hope, Reed says, is to get to his “electronic simulator.” They make it to the Baxter Building, which has been barricaded by cops. A line of dialogue states that the police are under orders from the Pentagon not to attack Dr. Doom, but to let the FF have the first crack at him. (The NYPD takes orders directly from the Pentagon?) Inside the building, Doom attacks our heroes with their own security devices, which are lethal, apparently. Daredevil then sneaks into Doom’s lab for a brief fight. Doom manages to stay a few steps ahead of DD, using more of Reed’s inventions as weapons.

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Ben shows up out of nowhere and rejoins his teammates. After some business of them being trapped in an elevator, they make it to the lab, where Doom has gotten a hand on Daredevil and wrestled him to the floor. Reed finds the simulator, and we’re reminded that this is the same device he used to boost the FF’s powers to defeat the Skrulls back in issue 37. While Doom beats the crap out of a still-human Ben, Reed restores the super powers to Sue, Johnny, and himself. This doesn’t faze Doom, as he uses a “refrigeration unit” to freeze everyone solid, except for the helpless Ben.

Reed, with some limited mobility, aims the simulator at Ben. Ben says maybe he wants to stay human, and be normal like everyone else. Reed apologizes, and says turning Ben back into a monster is the only way to stop Doom. In a dramatic three-panel page, Ben transforms back into the Thing.

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The rest of the issue is one huge slugfest between Ben and Doom, with page after page of them wailing on each other. Most Dr. Doom stories are about outsmarting him, with his arrogance being all about his genius. Now, we see a new side to Doom as he faces a purely physical threat. Prepared for any eventuality, Doom has pimped out his armor with all kinds of weapons, not to mention that it enhances his physical strength, so he can give and receive punches just as hard as the Thing. But no matter how hard Doom fights, Ben just keeps coming back for more. Ben finally gets a hold of Doom, smashing his gauntlets and ripping open the computerized doo-hickeys on Doom’s chestplate. A beaten, barely-standing Doom hobbles out of the building, as Reed explains that Doom is truly defeated, by being humiliated. (So are they just letting Doom go, or are we to assume all those cops outside arrested him?)

Finally, another cliffhanger: After being transformed into a monster once more, Ben says he’s had enough, and that he’s quitting the team – this time for good. To be continued!

Unstable molecule: Again, one has to wonder what goes on in Reed’s lab, where are there are all these deadly weapons just lying around.

Fade out: The spotlight is on Ben this issue, so poor Sue spends the whole thing on the sidelines.

Clobberin’ time: For as much as the Fantastic Four’s saga is all about the rivalry between Reed and Dr. Doom, this one establishes a secondary rivalry between Doom and the Thing. In future issues, look for occasional references to Doom’s disdain for Ben.

Flame on: Like Sue, Johnny pretty much sits this issue out, although I love that he shouts “Va-voom!” after getting his powers back.

Trivia time: One of Doom’s weapons he uses against Ben is a gun that takes molecule-sized pebbles (!) and transforms them into giant boulders, firing them at Ben. Doom can be seen using this “boulder gun” in one of the Capcom/Marvel video games.

Fantastic or frightful: Basically, it’s an “all they do is fight” issue, but it’s Jack Kirby just bringing it with the art. Nobody does big action like Kirby, and this issue just proves it.

 Next week: The betrayal!

****

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Ten cent movies: Life Returns

A while back, I bought this 50-movie set, Sci-Fi Invasion, for five bucks. That adds up to ten cents per movie. This movie, Life Returns, was made in 1934. A disclaimer at the beginning of the film states that it contains real footage of a scientific experiment in which a dead animal was, in fact, brought back to life. This should be… interesting.

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Here’s what happens: It’s the story of Dr. John Kendrick, a scientist fresh with a singular goal to prove that bringing the dead back to life is possible. Everyone wants him to use his genius for practical applications, but he just won’t give up on his dream. He’s then separated from his son due to his crazy talk about death, and there’s a ton of father/son melodrama.

Speculative spectacle: Eventually, it all leads to the big scene, incredibly creepy real-life footage in which doctors attempt to bring a dog back from the dead, after it had been gassed at the pound. This is not a scene for animal lovers.

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Sleaze factor: A headline reads, “Well-known scientist to wed socialite.” Tabloid scandal!

Quantum quotables: “I have the formula to get the heart circulating again, and with it breath, and with it life!”

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What the felgercarb? We spend a lot of time with Kendrick’s son, after they’re separated and the kid is put in juvenile hall, which in this movie looks like something out of Oliver Twist. The boys embark on a wacky comedy adventure to free dogs from the pound, at which point I say, “I thought this was a sci-fi movie.”

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Microcosmic minutiae: Kendrick is a fictional character. The real dude was Dr. Robert E. Cornish.  The real-life surgery footage was recorded on May 22, 1934, in Berkeley, Calif. Somehow, the footage got into the hands of these filmmakers, and there we go.

Worth ten cents? Yeah, let’s take some incredibly creepy footage of guys experimenting on a dead dog, and build a heartwarming father/son drama around it. Only in Hollywood, I guess.

****

Want more? Check out my book, CINE HIGH, now available for the Kindle and the free Kindle app.

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Ten cent movies: The Giant of Metropolis

A while back, I bought this 50-movie set, Sci-Fi Invasion, for five bucks. That adds up to ten cents per movie. The Giant of Metropolis is a horribly-dubbed Italian sword and sorcery movie from 1961, lacking in both swords and sorcery.

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Here’s what happens: Back in ancient times, the heroic and muscle-bound Obro travels from a pre-sunken Atlantis to the equally-mythical city of Metropolis, where he hopes to defeat the evil King Yotar before the king can use advanced technology to overthrow nature itself.

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Speculative spectacle: Our beefcake hero gets captured immediately, and then goes through the whole slave-becomes-gladiator/gladiator-becomes-hero thing. There’s a lot more dramatic speechmaking than there is action.

Sleaze factor: The plot (what there is of it) screeches to a halt so the king can be entertained by sexy dancing girls.

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Quantum quotables: Obro: “Why don’t you rebel?” Metropolis citizen: “Because my physical existence is artificial.” (This isn’t followed up on. We’re just supposed to buy this as an explanation and move on.)

What the felgercarb? I guess the filmmakers couldn’t afford a James Bond-style death trap, so they instead have the hero trapped by an inescapable spotlight.

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Microcosmic minutiae: As Obro, bodybuilder Gordon Mitchell didn’t speak any Italian, so his voice was dubbed into Italian, and then dubbed back into English by somebody else. So… much… bad… dubbing!

Worth ten cents? There’s a reason why a lot of fantasy adventure heroes hang out at the tavern. It’s to make them relatable. When we see sword-bearing dragonslayers throw back a pint with their buddies, we get the sense that they’re just like us, deep down inside. The Giant of Metropolis has none of that. It’s so otherworldly and self-important, that I’m left with not caring at all what happens to these people or their enchanted kingdom. Just awful.

****

Want more? Check out my book, CINE HIGH, now available for the Kindle and the free Kindle app.

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