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Hey, this blog is back! We had some technical difficulties for a while there, which have hopefully been worked out by now. To celebrate the return of Fantastic Friday, we’re going back to 1982 for Fred Hembeck and The Fantastic Four Roast!

The Fantastic Four Roast is the brainchild of Marvel’s then-EIC Jim Shooter and fan cartoonist Fred Hembeck. Fred Hembeck rose to fame by self-publishing his own superhero parody comics, which became so popular Marvel went ahead and hired him to draw his parodies for them. Hembeck remains beloved to comic fans to this day, evidenced by a recently-published Fred Hembeck Omnibus hardcover. So when he shows up as “host” of the roast, ‘80s readers knew what they were in for.

On the comic’s inside front cover, Hembeck introduces readers to the concept of a roast, a half-party, half-standup comedy show, where a celebrity guest of honor receives playful jibes from his fellow celebrity friends. Yes, Hembeck references the classic-and-possibly-dated Dean Martin roasts that were this comic’s inspiration.

The story begins, and rather than full-on parody from the start, we’re squarely in the Marvel Universe continuity of 1982, with FF in the Baxter Building and in their uniforms/hairstyles at that time. Reed, Sue, Ben and Johnny are getting ready for a party, which they believe will be a “Fantastic Four Toast.” Ben and Johnny start bickering, leading to a classic excuse-for-the-characters-to-use-their-powers-for-a-few-pages intro. As this happens, a mysterious figure watches our heroes from the shadows, plotting their doom.

Cut to the Plaza Hotel, where J. Jonah Jameson is now a TV newsman, introducing the night’s festivities, where the Avengers, the Defenders, the X-Men, the Inhumans, and even the Legion of Monsters show up to pay tribute to the Fantastic Four. The FF enter the hotel to learn that this is a roast, not a toast. All the Marvel heroes are sitting around dinner tables inside. Fred Hembeck himself plays MC, and the FF take the seats of honor.

We get the first round of superheroes doing standup, which is what this comic is known for. First up is Spider-Man, who drops down from the and ceiling exchanges banter with Johnny. He’s replaced by Sandman, who introduces the fact that all the villains are present as well as the heroes. Sandman jokes about his time with the Frightful Four, pointing out that Medusa left their team, only for Medusa to drag him off the stage with her super-hair.

Then we get back to the plot. As everyone is served the first of their four-course meal, the mystery villain places an object in a bowl of soup. Johnny gets the bowl and finds a tiny bomb in it. With Reed’s suggestion, Johnny flames on and harmlessly burns up the bomb inside his mouth.

Then more standup as Captain America and Reed remind everyone that they’re both World War II vets, despite not having aged all that much. Next is Iron Man, who flirts with Sue, and then Namor the Sub-Mariner, who REALLY flirts with Sue. Then what might be the best bit in the comic, the Hulk takes the stage and tells some pathetic “puny human” jokes, threatening to smash everyone if they don’t laugh.

The salad course is served, so it’s time to catch up with the plot. The mystery villain has placed a “hypno-disc” inside Sue’s salad, and uses it to mesmerize her. She renders the disc harmless by turning it invisible. Then Ben snatches her salad from her and eats it, disc and all.

More standup acts. Power Man and Iron Fist argue with each other rather than crack wise. Sixteen Avengers take the stage for a humorous retelling of the FF’s origins. Thor is next, making Ben the butt of a bunch of bald jokes. After that is the Watcher and the Silver Surfer, who riff about alternate reality versions of the FF, only for the Watcher to nauseous after the Surfer flies circles around him. Daredevil shows up, complete with shadowy Frank Miller-like art, to talk about how much insurance companies hate the FF. The X-Men flat-out attack the FF, only to claim they’re being mind-controlled by Magneto (who doesn’t have mind control powers). Dr. Strange is next, and his speech is so boring and long-winded that Eternity itself shows up to drag him off the stage.

Time for the main course, Cornish game hens. Except the mystery villain has snuck a tiny machine gun into Reed’s hen. His elasticity absorbs the tiny bullets, and he spits them out like watermelon seeds. Ghost Rider enters, using his hellfire to roast not the FF, but their dinners. Black Bolt, with Medusa’s help, says he can sense someone is trying to destroy the FF. Several of the heroes pledge to help if needed.

Dessert is served, and Ben’s ice cream grows into a giant ice cream monster. His punches pass right through the monster, so Reed hands Ben a spoon. With an “It’s slobberin’ time!” Ben eats the entire monster. He then deduces that only Dr. Doom could be behind the attacks. Doom shows up in person, exclaiming “Wrong, camel breath!” Doom explains that he might have been a fun guy if he’d never meet Reed Richards.

Reed then sees a mysterious figure throw a switch backstage, and there’s a two-page spread of all the heroes leaping into action. (This is actually a collage of promotional images of the Marvel characters, but whatever.) The mystery villain is… Willie Lumpkin, the FF’s mailman. He explains that he found an undelivered package with the FF’s address in the post office basement. He tripped and accidentally opened it, revealing a device called the Brain-Skull. It turned Willie into a genius, but also evil. Reed says this was a backup invention of his to fall back on in case the FF’s origin spaceflight didn’t pan out. Reed safely dismantles the Brain-Skull and says the real enemy here is the U.S. Postal Service.

We follow this up with quick one-panel-each rapid fire jokes from Wyatt Wingfoot, Agatha Harkness, Crystal, Quicksilver, Moon Knight, She-Hulk, Spider-Woman, Ant-Man, Howard the Duck, Man-Thing, Thundra, Tigra, Dazzler, Brother Voodoo, Impossible Man, the original Guardians of the Galaxy, and, strangest of all, Spider-Man’s Aunt May with the cosmic power of Captain Universe.

Then comes the time in the evening where the guest of honor gets to turn the tables and roast the roasters. Johnny threatens to give everyone a hotfoot and Reed says he doesn’t mind the jokes because he’s… willing to be flexible. Sue announces that after this night, she should have her own battle cry like “Flame on” or “It’s clobberin’ time,” so she turns invisible with a cry of “Fade out!” Ben gets the final word with a bunch of puns ending with “Things for the memories.”

Out in the audience, Black Bolt loses it and laughs out loud upon hearing “Things for the memories.” His earth-shattering voice destroys the entire room. Amid the rubble, the heroes all leave while Hembeck keeps making jokes. Ben gets the final word again, saying “At least the food was good.”

The inside back cover features Hembeck sharing some of his favorite funny FF moments, and dedicating the issue to FF creators Stan Lee and Jack Kirby.

Unstable molecule: Reed says his rubbery powers are what keeps him young-looking, despite he and Captain America being two of the oldest superheroes.

Fade out: Yes, this is where I get the “Fade out” quote from Sue for this blog. It never took off as a catch phrase for her, though. Maybe someday.

Clobberin’ time: Upon arriving at the Plaza Hotel, Ben gives a lousy tip to a taxi driver, which was a running gag in the FF’s regular comic, again making this parody feel like we’re still in the Marvel Universe.

Flame on: This is the only time I know of that Johnny burns something inside his mouth. The great fan question of whether he breathe fire like a dragon continues to go unanswered.

Fantastic fifth wheel: The comic is quick to point out that Crystal, Medusa, Power Man, and even Tigra and Impossible Man were all former members of the FF. Frankie Raye is also mentioned at one point, and she appears on the cover.

Four and a half: Franklin doesn’t attend the roast because he’s at home with a cold, where Alicia is babysitting. He says he’d rather watch the Three Stooges than his parents on TV.

Commercial break: This wacky parody comic got the deluxe treatment — 30 pages with no ads!

Trivia time: Is this canon or isn’t it? The Marvel Wiki states that Fantastic Four Roast takes place in an alternate universe dubbed the “Hembeck-verse,” where all Marvel characters are aware they are comic book characters and can break the fourth wall. The wiki states that The Fantastic Four Roast is the only appearance of the Hembeck-verse. But then you click on the entries for Fred Hembeck Destroys the Marvel Universe and Fred Hembeck Sells the Marvel Universe, and those also list the Hembeck-verse as a location. The wiki editors need to sort out this complex Hembeck continuity, it seems.

Trivia time: The Fantastic Four Roast is a must-read for FF fans. The actual jokes might be embarrassingly bad, but what makes it work is how everyone is written in character. The creators sat down and worked out how each Marvel hero would actually do standup comedy. Also, there’s an actual plot with actual life-or-death stakes, something often skipped in superhero parodies. It’s silly and stupid, but also an important piece of Marvel history if there ever was one.

Next: Galactic town.

****

Want more? Check out my book, CINE HIGH, now available for the Kindle and the free Kindle app.

Reading the Fantastic Four comics from the start. This is issue #5 of Heroes Reborn: Fantastic Four (a.k.a. volume 2, issue 5), courtesy of superstar artist Jim Lee. We can’t reboot the Fantastic Four without also rebooting Dr. Doom, right?

Recap: Reed and Sue traveled to Wakanda to investigate the space anomaly that gave the FF their powers, only to be abducted by Dr. Doom. We begin with the previous issue’s other cliffhanger, where a mysterious man snuck into the Baxter Building. Ben and Johnny confront him, only to reveal that it’s… Wyatt Wingfoot! Ben and Johnny are ready for a fight, but Wyatt insists that the “Wyatt Wingfoot” who sabotaged the FF back in issue #1 was an imposter.

Wyatt explains that he was on assignment for S.H.I.E.L.D. in Eastern Europe investigation some hacking into the FF’s original spaceflight. He was betrayed by his own people and locked up, only to escape and make it to New York as a fugitive, seeking Reed’s help. Ben tries to contact Wakanda only to get a message that Reed and Sue are unavailable. Wyatt assumes the worst and says it’s up to the three of them to save Reed and Sue.

Cut to Latveria, where Dr. Doom introduces himself to captives, Reed, Sue, and Black Panther. “After all these years, we finally meet,” Doom says. Reed says he knows who Doom used to be, back when he was grad school student Victor Von Doom. In grad school, Reed and Doom ran in the same circle of genius friends, which also included Tony Stark, Bruce Banner, and Henry Pym. In grad school, Doom tested his design for a new mech suit in hopes of conquering Latveria. The suit blew up in his face, horribly scarring him. After leaving school and hiding out in Tibet to heal, Doom eventually take over Latveria, ruling it as a feared dictator.

Doom says both he and the FF are seeking the same mysterious object that emerged from the space anomaly in issue #1. He reveals that he has it — and it’s the Silver Surfer. Well, he’s not called that yet in this continuity. In this introduction scene, he’s just “humanoid.” Doom is attempting to syphon cosmic energy from the Surfer. When a scientist says they’ve hit a delay in the process, Doom kills the man right then and there. Doom then says that Reed will analyze the Surfer’s the powers. If Reed won’t comply, Doom will kill Sue.

Sue won’t have this, using her force fields to fight back. She, Reed, and Black Panther fight Doom’s robot guards, but they’re no match for Doom, who knocks Reed and Sue unconscious with energy blasts. Black Panther, however, escapes into Castle Doom’s ventilation system. Doom orders Wyatt Wingfoot to search for him. One of Wyatt’s cronies refers to him as “Kl’rt,” suggesting that this is the imposter. Later, Reed awakens to find Doom has rigged a still-unconscious Sue to a deathtrap-like device. Defeated, Reed says he’ll help Doom.

Johnny, Ben and the real Wyatt enter Latverian airspace flying an ECM (short for “electronic counter measure,” which I’m not sure is a type of aircraft), following Reed and Sue’s trail. They encounter a hologram of Dr. Doom, telling them “resistance is futile,” and then more robots attack. Wyatt says these are Doom’s “war-bots” and they are programmed with advanced combat skills. They’re no match for Ben and Johnny’s powers. Wyatt leads the two heroes into a nearby sewer drain.

More war-bots attack, and the heroes this time are rescued at the last minute by Black Panther. Once they escape, the imposter Kl’rt shows up and destroys the war-bots, saying the Fantastic Four’s survival is essential to his plan. He says he’s also planning on deactivating all of Dr. Doom’s defenses, leaving him vulnerable to attack.

In Castle Doom, Reed has invented a “flux inhibitor” that Doom can use to absorb the Surfer’s cosmic power. Before he and Doom can properly test the device, Reed, Johnny and Black Panther smash into the room. Everyone fights, while Reed frees Sue from the deathtrap. Then the imposter Kl’rt grabs hold of the flux inhibitor, absorbing the powers in place of Doom. Then he reveals to everyone that he’s not Wyatt Wingfoot, but Kl,rt, warrior of the Galactic Skrull Empire. Doom is ready for a fight, but Kl,rt says he’s already evolved from a Skrull into a Super-Skrull.

To be continued!

Unstable molecule: Dr. Doom initially offers Reed the first chance to absorb the Silver Surfer’s power. When Reed accepts, Doom stops him, saying this was only a test of Reed’s faith. What is this scene even about?

Fade out: Sue wears a white lab coat throughout the issue, perhaps to emphasize her a science-adventure and not just a damsel in distress (which she pretty much is in this one).

Clobberin’ time: I know it’s a cliché to point out stuff like this, but what are those tiny pouches on Ben’s belt? How can he even open them with his giant rock-monster hands?

Flame on: Johnny using his flame to burn off Wyatt’s homeless man beard is an intentional shout-out to the original Fantastic Four #4, when Johnny did that when he met Namor the Sub-Mariner. Also, Wyatt naps on the flight to Latveria, a shout-out to Wyatt napping in the Fantasticar in issue #52.

Commercial break: I love that the release date is “ahead.”

Trivia time: The other guy in the flashback alongside Reed, Doom, Tony Stark, Bruce Banner, and Hank Pym is Rebel O’Reilly. Rebel is a new character created for Heroes Reborn: Iron Man who became a villain. He wore the Promethean armor, but was never called “The Promethean” as his villain name. When Tony Stark returns to the regular Marvel Universe, Rebel became a good guy and took over as Iron Man in the Heroes Reborn universe.

Fantastic or frightful? Once again, this is almost too much plot for one comic book. We’re retelling Dr. Doom’s origin, we’re paying off plotlines set up in the first issue, it’s a Black Panther team-up, and we’re introducing yet another new villain. None of these important events are given any breathing room, and it all still feels like a straightforward remake rather than any sort of creative reimagining.

Next: Galactic town.

****

Want more? Check out my book, CINE HIGH, now available for the Kindle and the free Kindle app.

Reading the Fantastic Four comics from the start. In Heroes Reborn: Fantastic Four #4 (a.k.a. vol. 2 #4), in which superstar artist Jim Lee continues to recreate the Marvel Universe by making it just like the regular Marvel Universe.

Gimmie a gimmick: This issue had a variant Christmas-themed cover, drawn by Whilce Portacio.

We begin in the African nation of Wakanda where a Wakandan soldier is killed after investigating a strange object that fell from the sky. Then we cut to the “concrete jungle” of New York, where Johnny is being chased Beatles-style by all his female fans. He sees the FF’s signal flare in the sky, and he flies off. Ben is also out in the city. He sees a woman he thinks is Alicia, but is mistaken. He too sees the signal flare.

Johnny arrives at the Baxter Building, where Sue announces that she was just testing the signal flare. Inside the building, Reed continues to investigate the mysterious space anomaly from vol. 2 issue #1. He says an object from the anomaly has crash-landed within Wakanda. Reed and Sue fly the team’s brand-new Fantasticar to Wakanda. They’re met by two Wakandan stealth ships. The pilots escort them to the city, where they are to have audience with the king. Back in New York, Ben says Alicia called, and then he and Johnny discover a homeless man has snuck inside the building. The man pulls out a gun and shoots at them, but then says he needs Reed’s help.

Reed and Sue meet with King T’Challa of Wakanda, who says he too is investigating the anomaly. He dons the garb of the Black Panther, saying he is not just king but “warrior avatar” of the Wakandans. The heroes investigate the jungle along with a bunch of Wakandan warriors. They are attacked by a mysterious lizard creature, who leaves behind an explosive device. Sue protects her and Reed with a force field.

Reed, Sue, and Black Panther continue to investigate, discovering a strange aircraft landing in the jungle, piloted by Wyatt Wingfoot, who in the Heroes Reborn continuity is a corrupt S.H.I.E.L.D. agent who betrayed the FF in the first issue. The three heroes sneak aboard the aircraft, only to be knocked out by a neural disrupter. Taking them prisoner, Wyatt flies off.

Reed, Sue, and Black Panther wake up in a strange place. Black Panther says he heightened senses tell him they are no longer in Wakanda, or in Africa. They turn to face Dr. Doom, who welcomes them to Latveria. It’s revealed that Reed and Doom know each other. Doom says he will prove himself to be Reed’s intellectual superior, and that none of them will leave Latveria alive.

Unstable molecule: Reed and Sue already know the Black Panther, having met at a “pan-African economic summit” one year earlier.

Fade out: This is the first time Sue uses her force field powers in Heroes Reborn continuity. A caption tells us she’s been working on developing this power between last issue and this one.

Clobberin’ time: Ben has a friend named Richie, whom he’s hired to drive him around New York. Ben destroys Richie’s car by jumping out of it when he thinks he sees Alicia, and then tells Richie he’ll invest in a convertible. The Marvel Wiki has no entry for Richie, while the Marvel Appendix fan site has an entry on a Ritchie character who appeared in Thor #332, who kinda/sorta looks like this character. (My theory: Could Richie be Franklin Richards, subconsciously checking in on this pocket universe he’s created?)

Flame on: Johnny dons a red FF uniform in this issue, similar to the one he wore for a while in the ‘70s. He says this is to help sell Fantastic Four toys, so he’s back to being a money/marketing guy in this continuity.

Commercial break: Bone claws!

Trivia time: Johnny says Toy Biz is making the FF toys. Toy Biz was a real company who produced Marvel action figures in the ‘90s. Marvel eventually bought Toy Biz, renaming it Marvel Toys, only for it to then go out of business when Marvel hit some financial woes.

Fantastic or frightful? After three issues with too much plot, here’s one with very little plot. Jim Lee’s versions of Black Panther and Dr. Doom look pretty cool.

Next: Latveria is lovely in the springtime.

****

Want more? Check out my book, CINE HIGH, now available for the Kindle and the free Kindle app.

Reading the Fantastic Four comics from the start. We’re on the third issue of Heroes Reborn: Fantastic Four (a.k.a. volume 2 issue 3) and it’s already a crossover. Marvel’s just gotta Marvel.

In this new continuity, the FF have just barely gotten their powers, only for them to team up with S.H.I.E.L.D. as Atlantis is (of course) attacking the surface world. This issue begins not with the FF, but with the Avengers, who also got the Heroes Reborn reboot. For this week’s blog, I tracked down and read Rob Liefeld’s Heroes Reborn: Avengers. I know I’ve defended Liefeld in the past, but not this time. His Avengers is completely unreadable, making Youngblood look like freakin’ Watchmen.

Anyway, Captain America and Thor fly in with a bunch of S.H.I.E.L.D. agents along for the ride. The fight the giant whale monster Giganto, who can now shoot energy beams out of his mouth. Nearby, in the center of the conflict, Sue uses her invisibility to get to Namor, arguing for a peaceful solution. Namor actually starts to listen, only for Red and Johnny to attack him. Ben is there as well, but he’s distracted by New Yorkers who think he’s one of the monsters. Namor awesome strength makes short work of Reed, Johnny, and Ben.

Just when it looks like Namor has won, he gets struck from by Thor’s hammer. Both being immortal (or at least long-lived), the two of them have some familiarity with each other. Captain America joins them, pulling off his mask. Namor is shocked, as the two of them knew each back in World War II.

From there, we cut to “Elsewhen,” which is not Huntara’s home dimension but a flashback to Sue asking Ben to pilot the FF’s initial space mission. Sue reminds Ben (and the reader) that there is a mysterious anomaly out in space, and she adds that someone in Eastern Europe has attempted to hack the spaceship’s data files. Ben says he’s done with fighting and action, and wants a quiet life, but Sue disagrees, saying Ben has always wanted to be an astronaut. This is all a dream, though, as we cut back to Ben waking up in the present, having crashed into the home of a woman named Alicia. She is a blind sculptress, who has been working with the city to temporarily convert her art gallery into a makeshift hospital during the attack. Ben says he admires her guts.

Reed, Sue, and Johnny catch up with Namor and the two Avengers. Namor collapses, overcome by surface world pollution. Atlantean warrior Krang, protected from the pollution thanks to his armor, sees this as his opportunity to seize power. The FFers and the Avengers fight him. Lady Dorma is also there, and she asks for Reed’s help to save Namor.

Elsewhere in NYC, Nick Fury flies down in a S.H.I.E.L.D. quinjet to pick up Ben. Only Ben throws Fury out, essentially hijacking the quinjet. He flies to battle Giganto, to fight the big monster. To add insult to injury, Ben even lights up one of Fury’s cigars along the way. (Remember, though, that this is not the real Nick Fury, but a life-model decoy secretly working undercover for the Sons of the Serpent, which will later be revealed in Heroes Reborn: Captain America.)

Reed deduces that Namor has not collapsed because of pollution, but that he’s been poisoned by a rare “sea wasp.” Dorma says Krang has deceived Namor, and Namor regains consciousness to swear revenge. Nearby, Ben sets the quinjet to self-destruct and flies it right into Giganto’s mouth. Giganto dies in a fiery explosion. It looks like a kamikaze flight, until Johnny swoops down from the sky and saves Ben from the blast.

Namor has recovered thanks to Reed’s help, and he orders the Atlantean army to stand down, telling his troops that Krang has deceived them all. Namor and Captain America share a salute, with Namor saying Atlantis will fight pollution through “more appropriate channels.” Then a paparazzi snaps a photo of the FF, with Johnny proudly telling reporters their name is the Fantastic Four.

Cut to one week later, where the FF have moved into their new headquarters in the Baxter Building, courtesy of wealthy philanthropist Saul Baxter. Nick Fury tells the team that the White House has given the FF special license to be “officially sanctioned troubleshooters.” Sue says that she and Johnny have severed their ties with the family business, making the FF its own organization. Then Fury ends the issue on an ominous note, saying that S.H.I.E.L.D. agent Wyatt Wingfoot, who tried to sabotage the FF’s original spaceflight, is still missing.

Unstable molecule: In addition to being an astrophysicist, Reed is also a medical doctor. It’s the classic comic book trope of “genius” being an expert in multiple sciences.

Fade out: Namor is once again attracted to Sue, but not just for her beauty but also her intelligence and willingness to fight to do the right thing.

Clobberin’ time: Ben’s whole story arc in this issue is regaining his confidence by reclaiming his fighter pilot skills. His meeting Alicia, who is not horrified by his appearance, no doubt helps as well.

Flame on: We don’t know strong or weak the characters’ powers are in this continuity, but I find it unlikely that Johnny can carry Ben while flying. Let’s just assume Johnny created a cushion of hot air under Ben to carry them both.

Four and a half: Remembering that Heroes Reborn is taking place inside a pocket universe created by Franklin Richard’s reality-bending powers, this Thor is not the same Thor who disappeared at the end of Onslaught, but a Thor construct of Franklin’s creation. The “real” Thor shows up near the end of Heroes Reborn: Avengers to set the stage for Heroes Return.

Commercial break: I don’t know that I’d want to play a game called Three Dirty Dwarves.

Trivia time: Heroes Reborn: Avengers was a pretty crowded comic, with a membership of Captain America, Thor, Scarlet Witch, Vision, Tigra, Hawkeye, and Swordsman, with Hank Pym and Janet Van Dyne, who became Ant-Man and Wasp, and a comic relief robot who would eventually become Ultron. Also among the supporting cast was the FF’s own Agatha Harkness, serving as Scarlet Witch’s mentor.

In Heroes Reborn: Avengers #1, it’s said that the Fantastic Four cannot help the Avengers fight Kang because they’re in the midst of some other conflict. But in this issue, they meet the FF for the first time. And this can’t take place before Liefeld’s Avengers #1 because that’s when Thor joined the team. The Marvel Wiki just throws up its hands and says, “This is a chronological error.”

And never forget that Liefeld’s work on Heroes Reborn gave the world this image:

Fantastic or frightful? Jim Lee and company are packing a lot of plot into one comic, almost to its detriment. There is so much ground to cover that we never really get the sense of New York being invaded by Atlantis. And, again, what is supposed to be an updated, modern take on the characters feels more like the same old Marvel we’ve always known.

Next: Wakandarama.

****

Want more? Check out my book, CINE HIGH, now available for the Kindle and the free Kindle app.

Reading the Fantastic Four comics from the start. We’re continuing the Heroes Reborn event with celebrity artist Jim Lee. In Vol. 2 Issue #2, we’re not just establishing a brand-new Fantastic Four, but the entire Marvel Universe apparently.

In this newly-rebooted timeline, the FF made their fateful spaceflight to stop S.H.I.E.L.D. from destroying a space anomaly that might contain alien intelligence. Our four heroes were irradiated in the fight and gained their powers, only to crash land on a mysterious island and be taken prisoner underground by the Mole Man. As this issue begins, we see the Mole Man has the ship’s damaged quantum drive, and is threatening to use it to destroy the surface world’s greatest cities as a sacrifice to the “great one.” Reed and Ben agree that the damaged drive could explode, vaporizing the entire island.

Johnny attacks, but is no match for the Mole Man’s energy staff, which he uses to control not just the animals on the island, but the plants and the ground as well. He buries Johnny in mud and sends some of his strange monsters after the other three. Ben and Reed work together to stop the monsters, only for the Mole Man to say they can’t defeat all his minions. Sue and Ben then quickly work out a plan to shine light off a giant diamond (this cave is filled with diamonds) right into the Mole Man’s sensitive eyes.

The FF recover the quantum drive and escape to the surface of the island. A bright light shines in their faces, telling them their problems are solved. We then abruptly cut to the undersea kingdom of Atlantis. Lady Dorma meets with Lord Krang. Krang wants to meet with the prince to discuss revealing themselves to the surface world and conquering the Earth, but Dorma says the prince is still in mourning. Then another Atlantean swims up, saying his sister is near death, having been infected with “dark waters.” Krang has heard enough, and breaks in to meet the prince, Namor.

Namor gets a splash page (heh) introduction, explaining his half-human heritage and his recent ascension as the new ruler of Atlantis. The caption states, “He is perhaps the most powerful man on the planet.” Namor is moved by Krang’s description of the “black poison” from the surface world, and he says the time has come for humans to feel the wrath of Atlantis.

Elsewhere, the FF wake up, having been knocked out by a “synaptic scrambler.” They’re trapped in a plain white room, now wearing matching white suits. They figure out how to escape by using their powers in tandem. They’re attacked by gun-wielding guards, so Ben punches a hole to the outside, only to discover they are on board a giant floating platform. (You and I know this is a S.H.I.E.L.D. Heli-carrier, but the comic frustratingly never tells us that this is S.H.I.E.L.D. So much for attracting new readers.) The FF are captured again and taken before Director Nick Fury.

Fury believes that Reed went to space to destroy the anomaly, and Reed says he thought S.H.I.E.L.D. was going to destroy it. Before they can further compare notes, there’s an alert that Namor and the Atlantis army has attacked New York, converging on the UN Building. Reed says the FF’s new powers can be used to help. Fury agrees, adding that he had nothing to do with Wyatt Wingfoot betraying the team last issue. The heroes prepare for battle in some modified S.H.I.E.L.D. suits. (And here’s where the issue finally uses the name “S.H.I.E.L.D.”) Sue borrows some tape from a S.H.I.E.L.D. agent (convenient!) and tapes a “4” logo onto the team’s suits, so show they are not S.H.I.E.L.D. agents, but a team of their own.

In NYC, Namor is out just randomly trashing cars when Ben and Johnny drop down from above. Namor easily punches out Ben, but decides his army isn’t enough. He uses his trumpet horn (which he just had on him, I guess) and he summons the giant monster Giganto, saying his vengeance will not be denied.

To be continued!

Unstable molecule: By stretching part of his arm over the wall of their cell, Reed can tell what the wall is made of and how breakable and/or flammable it is.

Fade out: Sue turns part of the Mole Man’s cave wall invisible, just enough for light from outside to steam in. This again begs the question of how do her powers work around light again?

Clobberin’ time: Ben says he knows Nick Fury, that Fury saved his life once during the Gulf War. But then Fury suggests he’s a lot older, saying he hasn’t seen Namor since “the big one.”

Flame on: We’re continuing the running gag of Johnny being a money/merchandizing guy when he says the Fantastic Four name could be a great marketing gimmick.

Commercial break: Marvel spent five pages of house ads in this issue promoting Deadpool #1, in case you’re wondering how Deadpool ever got popular:

Trivia time: Surprise! This isn’t really Nick Fury in these issues. Captain America Vol. 2 #11 will reveal that all of Fury’s appearances in Heroes Reborn are really a Fury life model decoy working deep undercover to secretly sabotage S.H.I.E.L.D.

Fantastic or frightful? Instead of a hard reboot, this feels more like the same old Marvel Universe we all know. It’s also a case of too much content, as the Mole Man and his ARMY OF MONSTERS is completely forgotten about after a few pages just so this can be a Namor/S.H.I.E.L.D. issue. Jim Lee continues to bring the ‘90s “Image house style” to this, and unfortunately that’s the best thing about the issue.

Next: The outfit’s a bit much.

****

Want more? Check out my book, CINE HIGH, now available for the Kindle and the free Kindle app.

Reading the Fantastic Four comics from the start. Here’s Heroes Reborn, where comics superstar Jim Lee took over the series. This is vol. 2 #1, a whole new beginning… or is it?

After experiencing unprecedented success and popularity in the early 90s, the comic book industry faced an equal and opposite reaction with a crash of dismally poor sales around 1996-7. Marvel attempted to bounce back with Heroes Reborn, bringing back a bunch of the Image creators, who first rose to fame at Marvel, to breathe new life into long-running properties. Jim Lee’s Wildstorm Studios rebooted Fantastic Four and Iron Man, and the notorious Rob Liefeld and his Extreme Studios rebooted Captain America and The Avengers.

While this appears to be a hard reboot, we are technically still in Marvel continuity. When the FF and the Avengers appeared to die stopping the evil Onslaught, they were really sent to a pocket universe, starting their lives anew with no memory of what came before. More to the point, while their story starts over in Fantastic Four, it also continues in the regular Marvel Universe. The fight over the now-abandoned Four Freedoms Plaza continued in a lot of comics, most prominently Thunderbolts, and the still-alive Franklin Richards took on a supporting role in Cable, in an attempt to make him more of an X-Men character rather than an FF one. Despite Jim Lee’s involvement, these pocket universe issues are often dismissed as inconsequential, but I say let’s dig into them and see what we can see.

Gimmie a gimmick: This issue had a variant cover. The regular cover showed our heroes charging into action, while the variant showed them facing off against the Mole Man. (Whoa, spoiler!)

The issue begins with a familiar retelling of the FF’s origin, specifically the original four flying their spaceship through the cosmic ray belt. But there’s a twist — this is a dream that astronaut Ben Grimm is having while inside a space simulator. The simulation is overseen by scientist Reed Richards and his assistant, Isaac. Reed explains that Ben should be piloting a real spacecraft, if not for an injury he received fighting in the Gulf War. Reed and Isaac are busy preparing their new experimental aircraft, the Excelsior (get it?) capable of traveling outside Earth’s solar system. Ben gets a call from Sue Storm, who is asking for Reed. Sue is head of the Storm Foundation, who is funding the launch. She mentions her brother Johnny, head of Storm Casinos in Vegas. She adds that the Excelsior is being built in secret, and everyone has high hopes for when it goes public.

Sue is interrupted by Uncle Matthew, who shows up with US Secret Agent Wyatt Wingfoot. Matthew says Sue is off the project, and Wyatt is now in charge of the Excelsior, by orders of the president. A strange energy fluctuation has been discovered in nearby space, and the Excelsior is being commandeered by the government to investigate.

Cut to a TV reporter to “American Tabloid” doing a news report of possible alien sightings out in the desert. Reed and Isaac watch the report, dismissing it as hogwash. Reed, however, is study the same space anomaly as Wyatt. Reed suspects it’s fallout from a wormhole to another universe, and that this could result in mankind’s first contact with aliens.

Out in the desert, Ben is on a ride in his jeep, where he nearly crashes into a speeding sports car. The cool car is driven by Johnny, with his girlfriend Tiffany beside him. Johnny and Ben play chicken with their cars, driving right at each other while Tiffany panics. Tiffany goads Johnny into turning the wheel at the last second, losing the game. Ben drives off laughing, while Tiffany says she’s walking back to town.

Sue arrives, and is greeted by the airport by Ben. They joke around a bit before Ben notices Wyatt and a bunch of other secret agents with him. At the base, Reed is furious that government is taking over the launch. Wyatt introduces himself as an agent of S.H.I.E.L.D., which is defined as a “deep cover black ops agency.” When Ben threatens to start a fight, Wyatt has both he and Reed locked up. He asks Sue and Johnny for the launch codes (it’s not made clear why casino-owning Johnny has launch codes). Johnny says he’ll sue Wyatt, so Wyatt punches him out. Then Wyatt uses a small electric weapon to murder Isaac (!). Wyatt says the energy in space is a “harbinger” which must be destroyed at any cost. They haul Sue away and Wyatt contacts his boss, a mysterious masked man named Victor Von Doom. Doom asks for a report, while letting the reader know that Wyatt’s S.H.I.E.L.D. credentials were faked. Wyatt says the Excelsior is being loaded with missiles and that “phase one” is complete.

Reed and Ben are locked up in a cell, which conveniently overlooks the launch site. Ben spots Wyatt’s men loading a nuke onto the ship. Reed fears they are helpless to stop Wyatt, but Ben says he has an idea. Nearby, Sue and Johnny are being taken away by Wyatt’s men, only to fight back with some sweet martial arts skills. They fight their way to Reed and Ben’s cell, freeing them. Reed and Sue share a kiss, revealing they’ve been in a relationship this whole time.

The Excelsior launches, so the four heroes make a plan to pursue it in the prototype, which is what Ben was using to run his simulation at the beginning. The prototype launches and pursues the Excelsior into space, with both ships reaching the space anomaly, depicted a green nebula-looking thing. Reed and Ben pickup an increase in subspace from the anomaly. Reed recognizes it as a pattern, confirming an intelligence coming from within the wormhole. They see what appears to be a humanoid shape come from inside the anomaly, and Reed mentions tachyon emissions directed at two specific points on Earth.

The Excelsior then fires the nuke. The anomaly explodes, and the prototype is bombarded with radiation. Reed, Sue, and Johnny hurry to the escape pods as the prototype falls apart around them. Ben stays behind in the cockpit in a last-ditch attempt to steer the ship back to Earth.

The prototype crashes on an island in the Bermuda Triangle. Johnny is the first to emerge from the wreckage, covered in flame. Despite being on fire, he manages to say, “I’m lit up like some kind of human torch!” The fire makes him lighter than air, so he’s able to fly to the nearest body of water. He then finds what looks like some sort of snake at first, only to discover it’s a human arm. It belongs to Reed, who can stretch his body to incredible lengths. Reed deduces that the radiation has mutated their bodies an given them fantastic powers.

Ben is next, also having survived, only for one hand to be mutated into a rocklike form. Then we catch up with Sue, who survived the crash alongside the prototype’s reactor core. Except the core is damaged and is threatening to explode, taking the entire island with it. Sue runs into Ben, now fully transformed into a huge rock monster. He says it best, “I’ve turned into a monster! Some kind of thing!”

Reed and Johnny hear a mysterious roaring sound, and they investigate. The ground falls out from under them, stranding them in an underground cavern surrounded by strange subterranean creatures. They surrender, not knowing the creatures intentions. Reed also spots cave marking similar to the signals he received from the anomaly, making this one of the two Earth locations mentioned in the alien signal. The subterraneans take them to where Sue and Ben have been chained to a stone pillar, about to be… Fed? Sacrificed? … to a giant monster. Sue turns invisible, distracting the monster long enough for Ben to get free and punch out the monster. Reed and Johnny join the fight, temporarily driving back the subterraneans.

The four heroes compare notes, and Sue insists they get back to the reactor core before it blows. Then they are approached by the leader of this underground world. It’s the Mole Man. He says he has recently acquired the power to bring mankind to its knees.

Unstable molecule: Reed wears glasses at the start of this issue, something I don’t recall him doing before. The glasses vanish mid-scene on page 4 and never return, though.

Fade out: One big change in this version is making Sue a high-up corporate type, except there’s very little information about what the Storm Foundation is, or its role in funding the space launch.

Clobberin’ time: Ben being a Gulf War vet instead of a World War II vet is one of the examples everyone always cites of how Heroes Reborn was an attempt to “modernize” the classic heroes.

Flame on: The other big change is making Johnny a casino owner, who’s shtick throughout this issue is making things marketable and making a quick buck whenever he can. Let’s keep an eye on how (or if) his character evolves during Heroes Reborn.

Commercial break: Beware the Kromaggs!

Trivia time: According to the Marvel Wiki, this is the only appearance of Reed’s friend Isaac. We hardly knew him. Johnny’s girlfriend Tiffany gets no entry in the Wiki, so let’s assume this is also her only appearance.

The Dr. Doom/Wyatt plotline will get an explanation in issue #5.

Fantastic or frightful? I’m fine with Jim Lee’s art. I’m fine with all the early Image guys, if we’re being totally honest. You can see in this issue the start of what would become the “widescreen comics” trend of the late ‘90s/early 2000s comics with an attempt to make comics more like blockbuster films. That’s the attitude here, as Lee and co-writer Brandon Choi make their own Star Trek movie for most of the issue. Lee’s depiction of Ben is especially eye-popping. So, it’s all good, and it makes me excited to read the next 12 issues.

Next: Titanic.

****

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Reading the Fantastic Four comics from the start. Before we get to the big Heroes Reborn reboot, first we’ve got to talk about Challengers of the Fantastic #1!

Onslaught and Heroes Reborn weren’t the only big events of 1996/1997, because we also had the inter-company action of DC vs. Marvel (or Marvel vs. DC, as it was known for two issues). The plot concerned two cosmic brothers, one representing the Marvel Universe and one representing the DC Universe, learn of each other’s existence and decide that only one should survive. They force the heroes to fight each other in one-on-one slugfests. The universes were briefly combined into one, called the Amalgam Universe. But then everyone going back to their own universes thanks to Captain America and Batman teaming up to save the day.

The Amalgam Universe only existed for a few pages in DC vs. Marvel before being undone, but we can thank a new character named Access — co-owned by both companies — who used his new reality-bending powers to keep Amalgam going. As such Marvel and DC co-published a whole bunch of Amalgam one-shots, with Challengers of the Fantastic being part of the second wave of Amalgams.

In Challengers of the Fantastic, the FF get combined with DC’s Challengers of the Unknown, four adventurers who survived a near-death experience and decide to help others while they are “on borrowed time.” (If you ever read Challengers of the Unknown, you’ll read the words “on borrowed time” a LOT.) The first page gives us the lowdown on our new heroes:

• Sue “Ace” Storm, secret agent — an amalgam of Sue and jet pilot Ace Morgan.
• Reed “Prof” Richards, science genius — an amalgam of Reed and deep sea diver Prof Haley.
• Johnny “Red” Storm, a thrill-seeking teen — an amalgam of Johnny and circus daredevil Red Ryan.
• Ben “Rocky” Grimm, a brawling US senator (?!?) — an amalgam of Ben and Olympic wrestler Rocky Davis.

There’s a short version of the group’s origin. They take off on a dangerous space mission, only for it to be sabotaged by their former friend Victor Von Doom. The four survive, and decide to use their second chance on life to better mankind. They are (say it with me) on borrowed time.

In Washington DC, Rocky is negotiating a conflict between Wakanda and Gorilla City when he gets a message from the team. He travels to a mountain north of New York which is the Challengers’ headquarters, and also the HQ of scientist group Cadmus. There, Prof is investigating the existence of Universe-Two, and Red is pining away for his missing girlfriend, Dream Crystal. Note that Red has a miniature clone of himself for some reason, which will come into play later. (The Wiki says the clone’s name is “Johnny Stormtrooper.”) Ace summons them all to the briefing room, where they are met by Uatu the Guardian, a cosmic being who warns them, “Galatiac is coming!”

Uatu says Galactiac is the ultimate combination of mind and machine, draining the lifeblood of planets to recharge his energy cells. Because robots are involved, Rocky suggests calling the Challengers’ resident robotics expert, June Masters. June, who is blind, performs a calculation to determine that Galactiac will be defeated only if a Challenger dies.

The Challengers take their flying car, the FantastiWagon, to the Baxter Building, headquarters of Spider-Boy, only to find the place trashed. The attack was done by an Asgodian alien, the Silver Racer, in self-defense. The Racer tells them he has come with a dire warning. Galactiac has arrived, and is constructing his planet-eating machine on the roof of the building.

Prof tries and fails to reason with Galactiac, and Galactiac prevents Ace from calling in a S.H.I.E.L.D. airstrike. Uatu reappears and sends Red on a mission. Inside the building, June talks to the Silver Racer, asking for his help and reminding him of his long-repressed humanity. When Rocky tries destroying part of Galactiac’s machine, Galactiac responds by transforming him into a four-armed orange rock monster… a Thing!

Red travels through space on Uatu’s mission, to destroy a piece of space machinery. Back on Earth, Ace and fight the now-monstrous Rocky. Ace uses a force field belt, and Prof helps himself to some Dr. Octopus arms from inside the Baxter Building. The damage from the fight draws the attention of Galactiac, just in time for Red to return from space, and for the Silver Racer to join the fight.

There’s an explosion, following which Rocky is turned back into a human and Galactiac flies off into space, swearing to return someday. Red is found still alive. It appears that June’s calculation was incorrect, but Red reveals that it was his tiny clone who died. That when Red was in space, it was really the clone shrunk down to microscopic space, and the alien device was part of Galactiac’s brain.

Elsewhere, the Silver Surfer is attacked and left for dead. The culprit is the Challengers’ old friend Victor Von Doom, now transformed into the monster known as Dr. Doomsday.

Yeah, this story is nonsense. The comic only exists to show off and/or reference as many Amalgam characters and concepts as possible:

• June Masters is an amalgam of Marvel’s Alicia Masters and DC’s June Robbins (from Challengers of the Unknown).
• Galactiac is an amalgam of Marvel’s Galactus and DC’s Brainiac.
• Uatu the Guardian is an amalgam of Marvel’s Watcher and DC’s Ganthet (from Green Lantern).
• The Silver Racer is an amalgam of Marvel’s Silver Surfer and DC’s Black Racer.
• Dr. Doomsday is an amalgam of Marvel’s Dr. Doom and DC’s Doomsday.
• Dream Crystal is an amalgam of Marvel’s Crystal and DC’s Beautiful Dreamer.
• The Bronze Panther is an amalgam of Marvel’s Black Panther and DC’s Bronze Tiger.
• Congo Red is an amalgam of Marvel’s Red Ghost and DC’s Congorilla.
• Spider-Boy is an amalgam of Marvel’s Spider-Man and DC’s Superboy.
• The Un-People are an amalgam of Marvel’s Inhumans and DC’s Forever People. Their members are:
• Vykin the Black Bolt, an amalgam of Marvel’s Black Bolt and DC’s Vikyn the Black
• Triserinak, an amalgam of both Marvel’s Karnak and Triton with DC’s Serifan.
• Medusa Moonrider, an amalgam of Marvel’s Medusa and DC’s Mark Moonrider.
• Big Gorgon, an amalgam of Marvel’s Gorgon and DC’s Big Bear.

Wait, there’s more! In addition to characters appearing, there are also references to others:

• Universe-Two is an amalgam of Marvel’s New Universe and DC’s Earth Two.
• Spitfire and the Blackhawks is an amalgam of Marvel’s Spitfire and the Troubleshooters and the Blackhawks.
• Infinite Kickers Inc. is an amalgam of Marvel’s Kickers Inc. and DC’s Infinity Inc.
• The Mother Cube is an amalgam of Marvel’s Cosmic Cube and DC’s Mother Box.
• Diablo the Volcano Man is an amalgam of Marvel’s Diablo and DC’s Volcano Man.
• The Multi-Master is an amalgam of Marvel’s Puppet Master and DC’s Multi-Man.
• Ultivac the Multi-Robot is an amalgam of Marvel’s Destroyer and DC’s Ultivac.
• Cosbie is an amalgam of Marvel’s H.E.R.B.I.E. the robot with DC’s Cosmo. (Freakin’ H.E.R.B.I.E. the robot.)

It’s not made clear which DC character has been amalgamated with Dr. Octopus. All we get is that his arms are called “anima-tentacles.” Additionally, Moon Boy from Marvel’s Moon Boy and Devil Dinosaur can be seen in the Washington DC scenes, except he hasn’t been amalgamated with anyone. Why’s he the one who gets a pass?

Trivia time: The main DC vs. Marvel miniseries has a few additional mashups for Fantastic Four characters. Ben fought the Martian Manhunter, and Johnny fought Firestorm. The outcomes of these fights remains unknown. She-Hulk is matched up against Supergirl, but they don’t fight each other. Instead, they immediately team up to stop some criminals.

The Marvel Wiki alleges that Dr. Doomsday’s storyline was resolved in Secret Crisis of the Infinity Hour, but I suspect this is an inside joke and not an actual published comic.

The Marvel Wiki further alleges that the entire DC vs. Marvel event place in an alternate timeline, entirely outside of continuity. This includes that Access guy and all the Amalgam characters.

Fantastic or frightful? Challengers of the Fantastic is kind of a disappointment, as the story and characters are secondary to the huge list of references. As an event overall, DC vs. Marvel isn’t without its charms, but this type of thing would be done much more successful a few years later in the awesome JLA/Avengers.

Next: Getting the reboot.

****

Want more? Check out my book, CINE HIGH, now available for the Kindle and the free Kindle app.