Fantastic Friday: Powerless

Reading the Fantastic Four comics from the start. With issue #39, we’re in the middle of a run of issues that are serialized, so prepare for cliffhangers and recaps. At the end of the last issue, after their fight with the Frightful Four, our heroes were caught in a mysterious “Q-bomb” explosion, which seems to have had strange effects on them.

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The issue begins out at sea, with a submarine crew rescuing a still-unconscious Fantastic Four, noting that the Thing has become an ordinary human. Aboard the sub, Reed stirs, flashing back to the end of last issue. As the four are revived, what the readers have already figured out becomes evident to our heroes – they’ve lost their powers.

Back at home, Reed dives into research, although finding a way to restore everyone’s powers seems fruitless. Days later, Reed has come up with an alternate solution. He’s invented suits for Sue and Johnny that mimic their powers. He then creates a Thing lookalike robot that Ben can operate with remote control. This leads to some slapstick, as the robot isn’t so easy to manage, and it knocks down a few walls. Reed says all this work is to prevent the FF’s enemies from learning they are powerless.

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On cue, we cut to Latveria, where Dr. Doom is sitting on his throne being entertained by a hypnotist. Sure, why not? This guy is so good, he can tell that Doom’s mind has been messed with, and that he still believes he defeated the FF back in annual #2. The hypnotist undoes the mental block. Doom remembers what happens, and he is pissed off. He takes off in a goofy-looking “gyroscopic flying machine of his own design,” in search of revenge.

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Back in New York, blind attorney Matt Murdock shows up at the Baxter Building, wondering why the FF called him there. Reed, who has built an exoskeleton to stimulate his stretching, says he wants Murdock to have power of attorney in case something happens to them. Murdock can sense something is wrong with the team, but he’s not sure what. Before he can ponder this further, the building is rocked with an explosion. The FF uses their faux powers to escape the wreckage, with mixed results. Murdock, meanwhile, ducks around a corner and dons his red costume, changing into Daredevil, the man without fear!

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The lights are knocked out, but this is of course no problem for DD, who leads the Fantastic Four to safety through the dark. Sure enough, Dr. Doom is behind the attack. Daredevil quickly deduces that the FF has no powers, and he agrees to keep helping them. Things get worse as Doom takes over the Baxter Building, with our heroes on the outside. Doom hijacks the FantastiCar and sends it after our heroes by remote control. Daredevil helps them out with his sharp reflexes and quick thinking. Doom then pulls out a vortex machine, using it to destroy buildings all over the city. Daredevil and the FF are on the run, being pursued by the vortex. Reed and Daredevil use some convenient gas canisters to destroy the vortex.

Doom is next to figure out his enemies have no powers. He sends more high-tech weapons after them. Daredevil helps save everyone, but they’re separated, and spread out among the city. The issue ends with our four heroes on their own and under fire in the streets of New York, while Daredevil heads straight toward Doom to confront him. To be continued!

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Unstable molecule: Even without his powers, Reed manages to help out with his brains, outsmarting Doom as best he can.

Fade out: Sue’s invisibility suit doesn’t work very well, as everyone can still sort-of see her, and trying to generate a force field shorts it out.

Clobberin’ time: Ben hardly reacts to being human again, desperately wanting his powers back. The issue tells us that this is because the FF are now vulnerable to attack, but this also speaks to how accustomed he has gotten to the new him.

Flame on: Johnny’s flame suit works best out of all the power replacements, but it doesn’t last long in the rubble after the big explosion.

Trivia time: This is actually not the first time the FF have met Daredevil. In Daredevil #2, Matt Murdock became the team’s personal attorney after Daredevil helped them in a fight against the evil Electro.

Fantastic or frightful: I’m a sucker for “superheroes temporarily lose their powers” stories, because they’re usually character-driven, as the heroes are forced to deal with change and think on their feet. Having Daredevil here cheapens that somewhat, as he does the team’s fighting for them, but this is still a great, suspenseful, “how will they get out of this one?” issue.

Next week: Slugfest!

****

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Ten cent movies: Evil Brain From Outer Space

A while back, I bought this 50-movie set, Sci-Fi Invasion, for five bucks. That adds up to ten cents per movie. A while back, I wrote about Invaders from Space, which was really two chapters of the Japanese matinee serial Super Giant poorly reedited into a stand-alone movie. Now I’ve come to Evil Brain from Outer Space, another two chapters.

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Here’s what happens: Let’s see if I’ve got this straight. Evil alien warlord Balazar was killed a while ago, but his brain survived as part of a supercomputer. Now, the brain is on Earth, along with Balazar’s followers. Chubby ballet-dancing space hero Starman has been sent to Earth to save the day.

Speculative spectacle: Balazar’s plan involves spreading deadly mutants throughout the world, including an unfortunate fellow with a giant eyeball on its stomach.

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Sleaze factor: Nope. This one was made for the kiddies.

Quantum quotables: “Be wary, one slash of the mutant’s cobalt nails could destroy.” – the narrator decides to speak directly to the hero, for some friendly advice.

What the felgercarb? Starman and his alien foes disappear for huge chunks of the running time, where we instead follow a detective pursuing a bunch of thieves. The narrator tells us the burglars are aliens in disguise, but I don’t know. Was this part of some other movie edited into this one to pad out the runtime?

Microcosmic minutiae: Wikipedia has an entire paragraph devoted to the crotch-stuffing in actor Ken Utsui’s Starman costume. Thanks, internet!

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Worth ten cents? It’s pretty hilarious to see Starman fighting mutants, but the rest of this thing is just dreadfully boring when it could be/should be dreadfully insane.

****

Want more? Check out my book, CINE HIGH, now available for the Kindle and the free Kindle app.

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Ten cent movies: The Bat

A while back, I bought this 50-movie set, Sci-Fi Invasion, for five bucks. That adds up to ten cents per movie. Who doesn’t love Vincent Price? His 1959 film The Bat is considered a classic by many, and it’s next on the list. Let’s watch it!

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Here’s what happens: A mystery writer and her friend are worrying about rumors of a ghostlike, faceless figure called “the Bat,” running around killing people. Meanwhile, a doctor, played by Vincent Price, gets into a criminal scheme involving a million bucks hidden inside a dead man’s grave.

Speculative spectacle: While there’s some talk about the Bat being a ghost, it’s evident early on that it’s a man in a mask, and we’re in the midst of a crime story, not a haunted house story. thebat3

Sleaze factor: None, other than everybody’s criminal scheming.

Quantum quotables: Crook: “What would you do for half a million dollars?” Vincent Price: “Anything… short of murder.”

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What the felgercarb? The writer’s friend is named Liz Allen. Peter Parker had such a crush on her before he started dating Betty Brant.

Microcosmic minutiae: It’s a remake! The Bat began life as a play in 1920, with the first film version in 1926, a second in 1930, and then this one.

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Worth ten cents? The movie can’t really hide its based-on-a-play roots, as it’s mostly talky and stagey. The creepy atmosphere it’s famous for doesn’t really come up until the end.

****

Want more? Check out my book, CINE HIGH, now available for the Kindle and the free Kindle app.

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Fantastic Friday: Ban the bomb

Re-reading the Fantastic Four comics from the start. We just met the Frightful Four two issues ago, and now they’re back for more in #38.

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This one begins on an odd note, in which our heroes are standing atop a bunch of giant photographs Reed took during their trip to the Skrull homeworld last issue. This is quickly forgotten about in favor of some wacky slapstick in the customary “the characters show off their powers for a few pages at the beginning” thing, including a weird bit where Ben catches Sue and threatens to spank her! He’s just kidding, right?

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The fun and games end as we’re reunited with the Frightful Four. There’s the Wizard with his gravity-manipulation powers, Medusa with her super hair, and Spider-Man’s old foe the Sandman. The fourth member, Paste Pot Pete, announces that he’s officially changed his codename to the Trapster. “It’s a name with dignity!” he says. He’s also gotten rid of his glue gun in favor of a bunch of high-tech gadgets he calls his traps. The Frightful Four fight among themselves for a bit, including an eye-popping full-page spread in which the Wizard knocks his teammates around. It’s a fun contrast – the FF’s bickering is playful, while their enemies bickering is more mean-spirited.

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The Frightful Four’s first move is (sigh) to kidnap Sue while Sue is out shopping. (Sigh, again) Reed, Johnny and Ben learn of this and investigate, but with no luck. The villains are hiding out on a pacific atoll that was recently the site of nuclear testing. There, the Wizard explains that the plan is merely to destroy the FF. To do this, he has constructed a deadly “Q-bomb.”

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The Wizard’s ship, a little sphere-shaped thing, appears in the sky over New York, and we get several pages of Reed, Ben and Johnny chasing it around. It eventually captures Johnny and cutting off his powers by wrapping him up in “asbestos tape.” Sure, why not? Reed and Ben pursue. At the atoll, the Frightful Four emerge from hiding, Johnny and Sue both escape, and everybody fights. The frightful four escape while the FF are momentarily distracted as they locate Sue underground. There, Ben recognizes the Q-bomb (how is it that he’s the one who recognizes it? From his days as a test pilot?) and he knows it’s about to go off.

From a distance, the Frightful Four watch (and gloat) as the Q-bomb explodes, with our heroes still on the island. Unbeknownst to the bad guys, Sue managed to save everyone in a force field, only to have the blast knock all four of them unconscious. As they’re knocked out, Ben turns back into a human and… cliffhanger!

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Unstable molecule: Reed at one point stretches into a giant spring to launch Ben into the air, which is good. Later, he lets himself get punched in the face by the Trapster, which isn’t as good.

Fade out: Sue gets taken captive again, but does manage to rescue everyone at the end.

Clobberin’ time: The Wizard’s spherical ship is almost like a fifth member of the Frightful Four, so it’s gratifying when Ben finally gets ahold of it and smashes it real good.

Flame on: The Trapster tries to take out Johnny with some “suction blasts.” It doesn’t work, though, as Johnny later chases him off with his flame.

Trivia time: This is the issue that attempts to make Paste Pot Pete cooler by renaming him “the Trapster,” but it never really sticks, and he’s gone on to become something of a joke character.

Fantastic or frightful: I never like it when the villain’s only motivation is to destroy the hero, and that’s the case here, making the Frightful Four somewhat uninteresting. Nonetheless, here’s a rare case of the bad guys flat-out winning at the end of the story. The cliffhanger promises to stir up big things in the next issue.

Next week: Meet Mr. Billy Club!

****

Want more? Check out my book, CINE HIGH, now available for the Kindle and the free Kindle app.

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Ten cent movies: The Manster

A while back, I bought this 50-movie set, Sci-Fi Invasion, for five bucks. That adds up to ten cents per movie. The starched-shirt conservatism of the 1950s comes to an end with all the sex and violence in 1959’s The Manster.

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 Here’s what happens: Larry, an American journalist in Japan, makes friends with a local doctor, not aware that the doc is up to some mad science, with a basement full of half-human monsters. The doctor drugs then experiments on the unsuspecting American, transforming him into a half-man, half-monster… a manster!

Speculative spectacle: At first, Larry seems to be experiencing the ol’ Jekyll and Hyde thing, with the experiments affecting his personality. Then, an eyeball sprouts on shoulder, growing into a second head, and finally into a separate, evil Larry.

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Sleaze factor: The first shot of the movie is two women skinny-dipping, followed immediately, by a bloody monster attack. Later, our American hero has no problem romantically pursuing every Japanese lady he meets, even though he has a wife waiting for him back him back home.

Quantum quotables: Larry: “I don’t know what I like better, Japanese Sake, or Japanese geishas.” Doctor: “We have plenty of both here.”

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What the felgercarb? The mad doctor’s secret lab is located inside an active volcano. How does that work, exactly?

Microcosmic minutiae: This movie is allegedly a favorite of director Sam Raimi, which seems proven by how the good-Ash-versus-evil-Ash scene from Army of Darkness is lifted (ripped off?) from this one.

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 Worth ten cents? This one’s a lot of fun, actually, thanks entirely to a crazed, over-the-top performance by actor Peter Dyneley as Larry. He was doing “Nicholas Cage crazy” before that was a thing.

****

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Ten cent movies: Galaxina

A while back, I bought this 50-movie set, Sci-Fi Invasion, for five bucks. That adds up to ten cents per movie. Next up is the 1980 space romp Galaxina.

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Here’s what happens: It’s the distant future. The crew of the starship Infinity travels the spaceways. We’ve got the boisterous Captain Cornelius, the cigar-chomping Sgt. Thor, and the Cowboy-wannabe Pvt. McHenry. Also along for the ride is girl robot Galaxina. Thor decides he’s fallen for Galaxina, so she is reprogrammed to love. Hilariousness ensues.

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Speculative spectacle: This is intentionally a comedy, right? If so, it’s a droll one, so droll that I’m more bored than amused. Definitely of its era, the movie contains references (rip-offs?) of Star Wars, Star Trek, Alien, and more. It’s a hodgepodge of cheesy post-Star Wars sci-fi.

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Sleaze factor: Galaxina was played by the late Dorothy Stratton, who had been in Playboy. Her sex appeal, and her various slutty outfits, was/is the movie’s big selling point.

Quantum quotables: Villain: “The Blue Star… is mine!” Galaxina: “Get stuffed.”

 

What the felgercarb? The Alien spoof scenes give birth to a rather adorable alien monster puppet.

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 Microcosmic minutiae: Want more? In 1992, twelve years after the movie was made, Aireel Comics produced a four-issue Galaxina comic book, which continued the adventures of the Infinity crew. In the comic, Galaxina was a redhead.

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Epic crossover: Galaxina has been reviewed twice at DVD Verdict, by Judge David Johnson and Judge Mike Pinsky. Enjoy!

Worth ten cents? It’s not funny enough to be comedy, it’s not sexy enough to be erotica, and it’s way too dumb to be sci-fi. This one should be schlocky fun, but I was just bored the whole time. Spend your ten cents elsewhere.

****

Want more? Check out my book, CINE HIGH, now available for the Kindle and the free Kindle app.

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Fantastic Friday: The final frontier

Re-reading the Fantastic Four comics from the start. Time to blast off into outer space, for issue #37. With a title like “Behold a Distant Star,” you know we’re in for some serious Silver Age goodness.

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The fun begins as Ben and Johnny are trying on their outfits for Reed and Sue’s wedding rehearsal, when Johnny’s powers go haywire and burn up the clothes. This is due to Reed’s latest doo-hickey, a “power ray.” He explains it increases the FF’s powers by drawing energy from, “an unknown source from somewhere beyond the confines of our solar system.”

Reed turns off the device and has a chat with Sue, who’s feeling down. She’s upset because the alien Skrulls responsible for her father’s death have gone unpunished. Reed says there’s nothing he can do, since the Skrull homeworld is countless lightyears away. That nicely segues into the next scene, aboard a Skrull cruiser in a distant galaxy, where we meet Lord Morrat and Princess Anelle. Morrat is apparently the one who planted the bomb on Sue’s father back in issue #34, killing him. (I went back to that issue, and the Skrull leader in that one isn’t named and has his back the reader the whole time, so, sure, why not this guy?) Morrat fancies himself a hunter, and is full of bravado over all of his conquests. Anelle frets, saying, “Why do I love you so?”

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Back on Earth, Reed has caved to Sue, and announces that the FF will go into space, all the way to the Skrull homeworld, so the Skrulls can face justice for the murder. The next couple of pages are sci-fi technobabble as Reed’s spaceship is able to travel vast distances thanks to a space-time warp. They head to a planet (how they decide on this planet, I’m not clear) where they are ambushed and captured by Skrull soldiers. The soldiers have devices that sap our heroes of their powers. The baddies take the Fantastic Four to Morrat. Morrat frets over what to do with the FF. Anelle says he must turn them over to her father, the Skrull king. He agrees, although Anelle says she has trouble believing him. Turns out she was right, because once she’s gone, Morrat announces he plans to kill the FF, which will set him up as the biggest hero in the galaxy.

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The FF, still powerless, are brought before a Skrull firing squad. Reed pleads for his teammates’ lives, offering all his scientific knowledge in exchange for their lives. With Reed’s smarts, Morrat believes the Earth is his. Elsewhere, Anelle goes to see the Skrull King, who, oddly, is watching a bunch of acrobats perform. He doesn’t trust Morrat, either, fearing Morrat wants nothing but the crown. Anelle mentions the Fantastic Four, only to learn that Morrat didn’t give the FF to the king as promised. The king calls Morrat a traitor and rallies his troops.

Back with Morrat, Reed has built another power ray. He turns it on his teammates, acting as if he’s betraying them to the Srkulls. But, no. Remember the start of the issue? The ray boosts the FF’s powers so they’re back to full strength. Time for fighting! Although outnumbered and outgunned, our four heroes plow through the troops.

The king shows up, surrounding Morrat. He demands Morrat be arrested, but Morrat calls for the king’s death. The king’s men prepare to fire, as Anelle jumps between them and Morrat. Sue protects Anelle with an invisible force field, but not Morrat, who gets gunned down. Rescuing Anelle softens the heart of the king. Without the power-hungry Morrat, the king says the Skrulls are no longer enemies of Earth, and will leave Earth alone. The FF head back home, just in time for the wedding rehearsal.

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Unstable molecule: During the space flight, Reed takes a moment to draw out a diagram on a chalkboard to explain the time warp. Sheesh, scientists…

Fade out: In addition to rescuing the princess, Sue kicks (kicks!) a gun out of a Skrull soldier’s hand during the fight.

Clobberin’ time: Once Ben gets his strength back, he benefits from some brilliant Jack Kirby action, ripping apart a giant missile and tossing a whole bunch of Skrulls into the air at once. His past as a test pilot also comes in handy in space.

Flame on: Johnny doesn’t do much in this one, but he does cause one Skrull to cry, “Flee! Nothing can withstand the fury of his flames!”

Trivia time: This is the first Skrull story that doesn’t use, or even mention, their shape-changing powers.

Fantastic or frightful? What a fun issue. The space setting brings out the best in Jack Kirby’s art, and the story is just plain fun from beginning to end. Loved it.

Next week: Ban the bomb!

****

Want more? Check out my book, CINE HIGH, now available for the Kindle and the free Kindle app.

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Ten cent movies: Horror High

A while back, I bought this 50-movie set, Sci-Fi Invasion, for five bucks. That adds up to ten cents per movie. Horror High had the slasher movie formula down pat, which is impressive because it was made in 1974, the same year as Black Christmas and Texas Chainsaw Massacre, and a whopping four years before Halloween. So why isn’t it considered a genre landmark?

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Here’s what happens: Vernon is a typical high school nerd, more interested in his science experiments then in gym. He’s mercilessly bullied by both his peers and his teachers. Too bad for them that Vernon is murderous evil, and he’s got some mad science brewing.

Speculative spectacle: Vernon’s experiment is a variation on the ol’ Jekyll and Hyde formula, bringing out monstrous tendencies – mental and physical – in his test subjects. This includes his pet guinea pig, and then himself.

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Sleaze factor: Don’t like violence against animals? Too bad, because one of the first things Vernon does in the movie is dump the school janitor’s cat into a vat of sulfuric acid! (Now I’m imagining Harry Potter doing this to Mrs. Norris.)

Quantum quotables: Vernon: “Human became the only animal with the ability to choose between good and evil, yet he deliberately picks evil.” Clueless girl: “Not everyone’s like that, Vernon. You’re certainly not like that.”

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What the felgercarb? The cops use a department store mannequin in their crime scene reenactment. I don’t think Dexter Morgan would approve.

Microcosmic minutiae: The internet is trying real hard to convince me that the 1987 meta-horror spoof Return to Horror High is, in fact, a sequel to this one. I don’t buy it. Aside from the high school setting and, obviously, the title, the two films have zero in common.

Epic crossover: Judge Tom Becker reviewed this movie for DVD Verdict. Read it here.

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Worth ten cents? This isn’t that great of a movie, but it’s among the very first of the slasher subgenre, using a lot of the tropes that later films get credit for inventing. For that reason, it deserves “undiscovered gem” status. Fright movie fans should definitely give it a look.

****

Want more? Check out my book, CINE HIGH, now available for the Kindle and the free Kindle app.

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Fantastic Friday: Party crashers

Re-reading the Fantastic Four comics from the start. When you have a superhero or group of superheroes who’ve had a lot of successes, it becomes a challenge to come up with new threats for them to face. Hence this issue, which attempts to have the FF meet their match once and for all.

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It begins with a press conference, as Reed and Sue announce their engagement to a bunch of reporters. It’s all very lovey-dovey, but there’s some laughs to be had as the Yancy Street Gang sends a flower-bomb (!) to surprise our heroes.

Time to meet our villains. First is Paste Pot Pete, who commits crimes with his high-tech glue gun (I swear I’m not making this up). He’s joined by Spider-Man villain Sandman, who can turn into powerful waves of sand, and the Wizard, who can manipulate gravity. A flashback ties together continuity, showing how the Wizard survived his apparent death after his last appearance in Strange Tales #118. Basically, Sandman and Pete were in the midst of a jail escape when the rescued the Wizard, and the three decided to team up. The Wizard then reveals there’s a fourth member of their team, Madame Medusa. She’s an amnesiac he rescued from a plane crash on a small Mediterranean island. He power, the Wizard says, is her “unconquerable hair!”

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There’s more comedy antics at headquarters as Sue has a crowd of followers fussing over her hair, dress, and engagement gifts, while Johnny prepares fireworks for the wedding. Elsewhere, the newly-formed Frightful Four meets, as the Wizard proudly proclaims he’s renaming himself the “Wingless Wizard.” (He’s been hanging out with Paste Pot Pete too long.)

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At the engagement party, it’s a Marvel continuity-a-thon, as the X-Men and Avengers are all present. A gloved hand is seen swiping a piece of cake – this is supposed to be Spidey, right? Later that night, the Frightful Four lands their flying saucer (where’d they get that?) on the Baxter Building roof and they sneak inside surprisingly easy. They take out the Thing first, gluing his hands together and knocking him out with the Wizard’s “sleep spray.” Reed and Sue fight back, but Reed ends up glued to the floor, and Sue gets tied up in Medusa’s hair. Elsewhere, Alicia is hiding out inside the FF’s kitchen (wait, isn’t the middle of the night? What’s she doing there?). She gets a hold of one of FF’s flare guns and fires it into the sky.

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Across the city, Johnny is working on a sweet hot rod when his buddies tell him about the flare. As he flies into action, the Wizard attaches anti-grav discs to Reed, Sue, Ben, and Alicia, so they’ll float upward into space, killing them. (Dang!) Johnny forces the Wizard into the flying saucer and threatens to burn the Wizard if he doesn’t rescue Johnny’s teammates. (Harsh, Johnny.) They’re saved, but the other three Frightful-ers pursue, having stolen the FF’s pogo plane. The two ships chase each other around, and Sandman jumps outside the plane to attack the saucer… in space. With him out of the picture, the two ships crash in a forested area.

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While invisible, Sue steals Paste Pot Pete’s gun, and without it, he’s defeated. (Pete you’re pathetic.) She then uses the glue gun to incapacitate Medusa’s hair. While this is happening, the Wizard rigs his ship to explode, and he and Sandman escape in the blast. Our heroes are left to wonder if they’ll ever encounter their four counterparts again.

Unstable molecule: In space, Reed is able to stretch into a balloon-like shape around his teammates, trapping air inside himself so they can breathe. Nice trick.

Fade out: Sue uses her force fields offensively during the fight, basically creating two invisible cannonballs to knock out Pete and Sandman.

Clobberin’ time: Ben sleeps through most of the issue, but has a great line after the FF has captured the Wizard, “Step lively there, cuddles, this is the end of the line!”

Flame on: This issue is a showcase for Johnny, as he fights the entire Frightful Four on his own, and then rescues his teammates from certain death.

Trivia time: The Wizard, the Sandman, and Paste Pot Pete had previously fought the Human Torch in his solo adventures in Strange Tales, which explains why they hate the FF so much in this issue. Pete will get a cooler name the next time we see him, but it won’t help. His status as “lame joke hero” will last forever.

More notably, this is the first appearance of Medusa, who’ll go on to have all kinds of adventures in the Marvel Universe, becoming a queen of the Inhumans, and even a member of… the Fantastic Four.

Fantastic or Frightful: I love the idea of an alternate foursome to square off with our heroes, but these four goofballs just don’t cut it. The Frightful Four is often thought of as joke villains, and won’t really become an equal/alternate to the FF until their reimagined during Mark Waid and Mike Wieringo’s landmark run on the title years later.

Next week: The final frontier…

****

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Ten cent movies: Robo Vampire

A while back, I bought this 50-movie set, Sci-Fi Invasion, for five bucks. That adds up to ten cents per movie. The packaging for 1988’s Robo Vampire promises a cyborg battling vampires. Oh, how I wish it was that.

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Here’s what happens: A drug kingpin has a bunch of vampires under his control, and he’s using them to get the cops off his tail. One cop is injured and brought back to life as a Robocop rip-off. There’s a subplot about a female ghost in love with a gorilla monster, and an additional subplot about a bunch of tough guys out to rescue a kidnapped woman.

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Speculative spectacle: I don’t even know. Our cyber-hero looks like an ordinary guy wrapped up in tinfoil. At one point, his enemies blow him up in a massive explosion, only he’s fine the next time we see him. The vampires, meanwhile, get around by hopping instead of walking. They look like little kids playing Easter Bunny.

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Sleaze factor: The lady ghost cavorts in a see-through top, the female kidnapping victim is used and abused by her captors, and some random skeezy guy spies on a girl while she’s skinny-dipping.

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Quantum quotables: “We’re changing the drug smuggling business to a variation on the body-smuggling business.” – a sinister crimelord, who clearly knows what he’s doing.

What the felgercarb? Where to begin?!? There’s one woman’s obvious male stunt double, our hero digging a path under a small fire instead of just walking around it, the fact that the gorilla monster also has teleportation powers, a parasol thrown like a boomerang, one guy’s fried chicken lunch magically flying around the room… there’s no end to the random nonsense.

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Microcosmic minutiae: Producers had the rights to some other low-budget Asian action movie, so they spliced huge chunks of it into this movie, accounting for about half of the running time. This would be the kidnapping plot. I spent a couple of hours trying to find out what movie that originally was, but no luck.

Worth ten cents? Robo Vampire isn’t a movie. It’s just footage. Stringing a bunch of unrelated scenes together does not automatically make a narrative. We’ll all just have to wait until someone makes a real cyborg versus vampires movie.

****

Want more? Check out my book, CINE HIGH, now available for the Kindle and the free Kindle app.

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